Live-Blogging the State of the Union

Oh, by the way, this is Wonkette, back for a special live guest-blog appearance....

9:05 Ladies and Gentlemen: that guy.... did that guy just try to kiss him? I know I would.

9:06 Frist has dead cat under arm. No, wait, has dead cat as tie.

9:06 Laura claps like she's beating eggs.

9:06 Purple fingers okay. I wonder about the members with purple thumbs.

9:09 You think in Iraq they're practicing this? They're practicing symbolic acts, maybe. Symbolic acts alone in their rooms.

9:11 Cheney and Hastert, the heart attack twins

9:11 The state of our childrens' union will be traditional, that's what. None of that gayness.

9:12 Mccain looking... not happy

9:13 Hillary... not happy. Hillary..... on luudes.

9:16 Denny Hastert, made completely of clay

9:16 NO MORE ASBESTOS CLAIMS.... what a rallying cry

9:17 Could have used some of that improved medical technology to improve going-to-war-for-weapons-that-weren't-there kind of errors.

9:17 Cheney claps when it comes to healthcare. Or he claps when someone presses the button to make him do so

9:18 Ethanol!!!!! "BETTER FUEL EFFICIENCY" Doesn't have quite the ring of "axis of evil"

9:19 Hastert wants cheeseburger now.... good thing he has one in his pocket.

9:19 Taxes incoherent! Taxes totally drunk.

9:20 OOhhhh. Changing system top to bottom... he's talking my language!

9:20 Btw, whoever was the first goon to stand up and clap at every instance of "in the 1960s...." or whenever, they should be shot.

9:22 Operative translates: "I have a message for you that are 25: for you, you're getting a royal reaming. Also, Social Security was created decades ago.... as a dance troupe." Says another: "In those days, we gave a shit what happened to old folks."

9:24 NUMBERS? He's talking numbers? No wonder people are groaning. I thought we elected this president in order to avoid thinking about math!

9:25 Cheney: Groan all you want, weenies, we control all branches of government.

9:25 I like how he broght up "if you have kids in their 20s".... "Then can you tell me how to get them to stop drinking?"'

9:26 Love how he's warning us that all those options he read are painful. Didn't bother with that about Iraq. So, to summarize. Social Security reform: painful. Iraq: They will greet us with flowers. So imagine JUST HOW BAD SOCIAL SECURITY REFORM WILL BE.

9:31 After a long journey: i was a big boozer.

9:32 This is the Pander section

9:33 Clearly, the only good gay is an unborn gay.

9:33 Because society is measured by how it treats weak and vulnerable, we should make gays second class citizens.

9:34 For those of you wonder what Cheney was winking at? Bush can talk about stopping the sale of human life all he wants, but Cheney will continue to get the shipments of virgin blood.

9:35 Operative: "Oh, great: An ideal of manhood that respects women and rejects violence, brought to you by the president who wants to ban abortion and starts wars for no reason."

9:37 Cue Harold Ford: the whitest black man in room.

9:41 Technical assistance?Is that like plugs and an IT guy?

9:42 "In the next four years, my Administration will continue to build the coalitions that will defeat the dangers of our time." Just tell me it includes Poland...

9:43 Shit, have you been drinking when he says "freedom"? I am soooo drunk....

9:45 "The United States has no right, no desire, and no intention to impose our form of government on anyone else." Others have "a tiny group of brutal, self-appointed rulers control every aspect of every life." Well, I guess now that Ashcroft's not around....

945 When Cheney and Hastert get up the whole stage moves. Cheny coughed and paramedics jumped out of set.

9:46 Writes a concerned operative: "Did you see Cheny cough? His face turned the color of laura bush's dress. Now sucking on lozenge. Or nitroglycerin tablet."

9:48 Hey, we're invadeing Iran!!!

9:51 Democracy rocks.

9:51 All this getting up and sitting down is the most exercise Cheney's gotten in years. Tho he did get some exercise last week when he got a pice of grissle in his steak and he had to saw through it.

9:52 A LADY VOTER. We love them. Just don't get pregnant. Or be gay. Just go and vote. In another country. For the right person.... Wait....

9:56 OMG. Cheney CRYING. He must really love liberty. Or actually, really loves Bush. Really loves him. Kind of heartbroken about the gay marriage thing.

9:58 Bush will cry here. Perhaps out of relief.

10:02 Mother of dead soldier and Iraqi voter got tangled up.... sort of perfect metaphor for the war, except that it wasn't fatal.

10:05 Did Bush just kiss Lieberman? Wow. Cheney's soooo jealous....

Donate with CC

We know, the thing we said in our headline is a thing you can say every day, but it's really intense today, maybe because Donald Trump is now filled with fear of the inescapable reality that millions of Americans who have not read the Mueller Report are going to see Robert Mueller testify on live TV on July 17, and Donald Trump will be exposed. Maybe the Big Mac vending machine next to his golden toilet is on the fritz and he hasn't had gotten to eat a Big Mac on the poop chair since last night. Maybe he's just a weak and sad person, a collection of shithole cells God meant to throw in the garbage, but accidentally implanted in Mary Trump's turkey incubator. We imagine that'd lead to a pretty constant state of anxiety and ennui.

Whatever it is, he's totally fucked right now. We were going to write a nice post about Trump's batshit interview on Fox Business with Maria Bartiromo, but we were busy, and by the time we got to it, he had performed so many batshit feats that we're just going to stick them all in this one post.

Let's start with the fight he's trying to wage with US soccer star Megan Rapinoe, who in a now-viral video stated that she has no fuckin' interest in going to the White House to meet that idiot. He got into a quarrel with her on Twitter ... or at least with a Twitter account that didn't belong to her. It's now been replaced, in order that the adult president may shit-tweet at the soccer superstar who hurt his feelings, but Splinter grabbed the original:

The rant continued:

Right. And Megan Rapinoe just said win or lose, she has no interest in meeting your crusty ass, because no decent American would consider that an honor.

Besides, she has already been to the White House to meet a legitimately elected president:

By the by, the owner of the incorrect Megan Rapinoe account saw Trump's whining and told him to grow a dick and set it on fire:

Ya burnt!

But as we said, it was a whole day of batshit from Trump, so let's continue.

Keep reading... Show less
Donate with CC
Screenshot NRATV

DING DONG THE WITCH IS ... quite likely to land on her feet. But for today, the New York Times reports Dana Loesch is out of a job, the latest casualty in the war between the NRA and its longtime advertising company Ackerman McQueen. But every cloud has a silver bullet lining, since Dana will have more free time now to spend on her favorite hobby. We can't wait to see which cartoon character she photoshops Klan hoods onto next. Maybe she'll branch out and start putting Nazi armbands onto Buzz Lightyear. Oh, we would be so triggered!

As one of the most visible characters on NRATV with literal hundreds of viewers for each of her fascist rants, Dana Loesch was a tireless advocate for the gunhumpers lobby, always ready to call out "tragedy dry-humping whores," threatening to "fist" or perhaps "fisk" the New York Times, and expressing her hope that the Mueller Report would die in an "AIDS fire."

Keep reading... Show less
Donate with CC

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)


©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc