Liveblogging Barack Obama And John McCain's 9/11 Forum Makeup Sex

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All of the week's partisan bickering and lipstick-related nastiness can't change the fact that both Barack Obama and John McCain want what's best for this country, except for Barack Obama. Now we will liveblog the endless string of platitudes and remonstrances to "never forget" that are required of any politician commemorating the day when Rudy Giuliani failed to protect his city from two commercial airliners. CNN informs us that the candidates will not speak together at tonight's special 9/11 Commemorative Service Forum, which we guess means that one of them will be held in a Silence Cone with a crying bald eagle until the other one is done delivering his canned answers to Judy Woodruff. Let's roll!


8:00 PM -- It's on, bitches! Service Nation is some bunch of worthless "community organizers," who have no responsibilities for anything, unlike small-town mayors. Richard Stengel is a comical puppet made out of beige felt.

8:04 PM -- And John McCain limps out of his sensory deprivation chamber to an applauding crowd. He visited the 9/11 hole today with Barack Obama! Judy asks him, how can we keep America from forgetting?

8:05 PM -- The best way to commemorate service is to serve, or something. This will keep terrorist attacks from happening. Actually, this is sort of true! If you're a liberal.

8:07 PM -- Stengel: Would you have made Americans shop, after 9/11? McCain: I hate shopping. EXPAND EVERYTHING, LIKE THE MILITARY. And neighborhood watches!

8:09 PM -- Good God, he just broke out the old "blood relatives and paid staffers" joke AGAIN, and people actually LAUGHED. John McCain will win this election in a landslide.

8:10 PM -- "We're doing well with recruitment." Really? McCain's big foreign policy priorities appear to be Afghanistan, and Georgia. Super.

8:11 PM -- Remember that time Democrats and Republicans "worked together" after 9/11, when both sides passed such wonderful legislation as the Patriot Act?

8:12 PM -- Hell of a softball, Judy. "Do you think your 30 years in Washington give you special insight into what's wrong with it?" Blowjob will commence with commercial break.

8:14 PM -- Ugh, this is so dull. Here, look at this painful YouTube where Sarah Palin makes it abundantly clear she has no fucking idea what the Bush Doctrine is.

8:16 PM -- Back to our regularly scheduled snoozefest. How will John McCain make sure America NEVER FORGETS Hurricane Katrina either? Service, of course!

8:18 PM -- How do you make sure poor college graduates can go into public service instead of looking for better-paying jobs to help them pay off their debt? He has no answer to this question. Basically, people who want to volunteer will find a way. God, that is an awful response.

8:21 PM -- John McCain is part of a Naval dynasty, the likes of which almost no other American family has ever seen. So basically he had to go to Annapolis. John McCain does not care about individuals, only Causes.

8:22 PM -- Woodruff: The military is full of poor uneducated minorities, while "children of privilege" summer in the Hamptons. Anything strike you as odd about that? McCain: Well, the draft is worse. He thinks the military is too small, and the way to fix that is by making it larger. Jesus. Whoops let's fixed that open italics tag!

8:28 PM -- Gaah we need beers beers beers over here, and a whiskey, up. THESE BEERS IS MINE! John McCain goes blah blah blah about Americorps. City Year kids are in it for the jackets, not the money!

8:30 PM -- Would you spend $3 billion on a national service initiative? McCain: Hmm, how many houses is that? Can we just make the churches take care of that stuff? Yeah, let the churches do it.

8:32 PM -- McCain tells the puppet that yes, he would have a cabinet-level position for service.

8:33 PM -- Woodruff asks the "community organizer" question. McCain blames Obama for lowering the tone of the debate by refusing to do town halls, and says Sarah Palin was just responding to attacks on her noble mayoral record when she shat all over community organizers in her VP acceptance speech. And then he concludes by suggesting Judy Woodruff is being terribly partisan for even asking the question. What a shitsack this man is.

8:41 PM -- What should OLD PEOPLES do to contribute to America? McCain proposes, basically, taking many deposed Fortune 500 crook/CEOs and make them .... then he pretends to fall asleep, and everybody laughs nervously.

8:42 PM -- So, asks Judy, how do you compel people to participate in community service when they have zero time or money to spare because they are all foreclosed overworked drones, or even worse unemployed? McCain says, Restore people's faith in government. Somehow this will magically give them more time and money to volunteer.

8:44 PM -- Juan McCain will give everyone with a PhD a green card.

8:45 PM -- Woodruff: What does "exceptionalism" mean, and are Americans just better than everyone else? McCain: This is not a terrible answer, he is basically like, We are founded on principles. He does NOT want to denigrate any of the other terrible nations of the world that are not as unique and exceptional as the USA.

8:47 PM -- "Let's talk about the Framers for a second." McCain will be able to provide his own personal recollections of his halcyon days getting hammered and going whoring with Ben Franklin, wokka wokka. John McCain dismisses all the foulness and lying and petty bullshit of the past several months by saying, campaigns are "rough." Ugh, when will this awful creep fall asleep again?

8:50 PM -- A very rushed answer about how we are a nation of diverse immigrants. Hurrah, this portion of your evening is OVER. Now go to Fox News post haste and watch this program on fat people walking through walls. Or go look at Jim's liveblog over here.

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