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Barack Obama will have so many advisors telling him how to spend the nation's billions! Let's see, we've got this Geithner guy whofinancial types seem to like, and also the communist Larry Summers ... who else? To answer these pressing questions, Obama will hold another press conference and respond to complicated financial inquiries with "I will buy you all a new puppy." Stick with us! His magical press conference is due to commence at the top of the hour.


11:54 AM -- Some goofy kid was just at the podium. Then he left. Various people standing around. Yes, these are exciting times.

12:00 PM -- It's Andrea Mitchell, the wife of a terrible old man who ruined the American economy forever. Shot of Obama's podium: "THE OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT ELECT." Presumptuous!

12:01 PM -- Mitchell interviews a kindly red-shirted gent borrowed from the cover of an L.L. Bean catalog. He says Citigroup needed to be "bolstered."

12:05 PM -- Christina Romer is some Berkeley economist, named to chair the Council of Economic Advisors. If you follow economic "things," which we do not, apparently you have heard of her and think she's pretty rad. Huzzah, all these people have filed in and now Obama is speaking! WHERE IS VOLCKER??? (He was fired, for being too tall.)

12:07 PM -- Big challenges, big capacity to overcome them. He has assembled a fantastically diverse team of intellectual superheroes who will save America from permanent hobohood.

12:09 PM -- Come on, CNN cameraman, show us this Geithner so we can see if he is actually dishy or not.

12:10 PM -- Geithner: clearly also a communist, as he speaks Chinese and lived overseas growing up. He is basically the white Barack Obama.

12:10 PM -- Summers: Engineered many things during the Clinton years, blah blah blah ... Lots of stuff about the middle class. "Larry, you may also have heard, is somewhat of a belligerent asshole, but I sort of like those types."

12:12 PM -- Romer, Chairman of Council of Economic Advisors: Ooh, she is AN HISTORIAN. "The Business Cycle Dating Committee." Sounds sexy! Yay Berkeley.

12:13 PM -- Melody Barnes: Director of the Domestic Policy Council. She appears to be in charge of the non-economic things that affect the economy, or something. Oh she is adorable. She looks like she's actually happy to be there.

12:15 PM -- One thing Obama has been very consistent about, rhetoric- and policy-wise, from the presidential race through the post-election: saying "middle class" and "Main Street," constantly.

12:17 PM -- Well, it sounds like Obama has kind of jettisoned the whole "There's only one president at a time" line.

12:18 PM -- He's talking about his massive package! But he won't name numbers. Just, it is HUGE, and liberals and conservatives agree that it must be large and swift.

12:20 PM -- Dang, somebody get these questioners a microphone. Ah, it is about taxes. Lower taxes means more heat and groceries and computers for the MIDDLE CLASS. Poor Barack Obama, he is already aging rapidly. Look at those weird dents under the insides of his eyes.

12:23 PM -- Bloomberg gal asks, OK no numbers, but could you give us a range? Obama: Nope. We will have a huge fucking deficit, and you all need to chill out about that because deficits are really the least of our worries right now, if you can believe that.

12:26 PM -- He seems to suggest that Paulson and Bush have not done a great job explaining what the hell is going on, economy-wise, or what our goals are. Obama intends to change that -- "clarity, transparency," etc. So, basically, more fireside YouTube chats where he delivers more dire economic news in a soothing baritone.

12:28 PM -- Ha ha, a question on the auto industry. Obama says, "Remember how I won Michigan? Yes, I support the auto industry." We can't allow it to just vanish, but we can't write these douchebags a blank check. Very diplomatically said he was kind of astonished they didn't have any frigging plan about what to do with all the money they want from Congress.

12:31 PM -- How and when to spend the second half of the bailout dollars? "I will make further assessments as the administration provide me with more real-time information." Well, that was a boring answer.

12:33 PM -- So, to recap: Barack Obama is now running our economy; George W. Bush, our president for the next 57 days, walks around wearing a poncho.

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We know, the thing we said in our headline is a thing you can say every day, but it's really intense today, maybe because Donald Trump is now filled with fear of the inescapable reality that millions of Americans who have not read the Mueller Report are going to see Robert Mueller testify on live TV on July 17, and Donald Trump will be exposed. Maybe the Big Mac vending machine next to his golden toilet is on the fritz and he hasn't had gotten to eat a Big Mac on the poop chair since last night. Maybe he's just a weak and sad person, a collection of shithole cells God meant to throw in the garbage, but accidentally implanted in Mary Trump's turkey incubator. We imagine that'd lead to a pretty constant state of anxiety and ennui.

Whatever it is, he's totally fucked right now. We were going to write a nice post about Trump's batshit interview on Fox Business with Maria Bartiromo, but we were busy, and by the time we got to it, he had performed so many batshit feats that we're just going to stick them all in this one post.

Let's start with the fight he's trying to wage with US soccer star Megan Rapinoe, who in a now-viral video stated that she has no fuckin' interest in going to the White House to meet that idiot. He got into a quarrel with her on Twitter ... or at least with a Twitter account that didn't belong to her. It's now been replaced, in order that the adult president may shit-tweet at the soccer superstar who hurt his feelings, but Splinter grabbed the original:

The rant continued:

Right. And Megan Rapinoe just said win or lose, she has no interest in meeting your crusty ass, because no decent American would consider that an honor.

Besides, she has already been to the White House to meet a legitimately elected president:

By the by, the owner of the incorrect Megan Rapinoe account saw Trump's whining and told him to grow a dick and set it on fire:

Ya burnt!

But as we said, it was a whole day of batshit from Trump, so let's continue.

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DING DONG THE WITCH IS ... quite likely to land on her feet. But for today, the New York Times reports Dana Loesch is out of a job, the latest casualty in the war between the NRA and its longtime advertising company Ackerman McQueen. But every cloud has a silver bullet lining, since Dana will have more free time now to spend on her favorite hobby. We can't wait to see which cartoon character she photoshops Klan hoods onto next. Maybe she'll branch out and start putting Nazi armbands onto Buzz Lightyear. Oh, we would be so triggered!

As one of the most visible characters on NRATV with literal hundreds of viewers for each of her fascist rants, Dana Loesch was a tireless advocate for the gunhumpers lobby, always ready to call out "tragedy dry-humping whores," threatening to "fist" or perhaps "fisk" the New York Times, and expressing her hope that the Mueller Report would die in an "AIDS fire."

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