We promised you that Barack Obama would be on the teevee today, threatening dire peril unless Congress approves a multi-billion-dollar Economy Stimulation Scheme that includes donating 500 Truck Nutz to every American household. Now the moment has almost arrived! Join us in watching our President-elect lay out how hosed we all are, economically. Do not be afraid to drink -- after all, it's almost noon on the East Coast!
He'll be talking from George Mason University in front of SIX American flags. CNN's $$ commentators are complaining that Obama's being "overly honest," all telling people about the double-digit unemployment that's around the corner. Oh look, various people are lining up on the stage! Maybe something will happen soon. No, wait. That was old footage.
11:06 AM -- President Obama is tardy. Dang, the dude just said we're 8 to 10 minutes away from the speech. Sit tight, peoples, and remember: liquor before beer, never fear.
11:08 AM -- Ali Velshi: Back in the day, politicians didn't want to talk down the economy because they didn't want to spook consumers. "Now, that fear is gone," he says, so Obama is free to paint as grisly and disastrous a portrait as he likes. No matter how awful he makes it sound, it will be a thousand times worse in reality. Ugh, we're going to go watch this little clip of Rachel Maddow on the Daily Show.
11:14 AM -- It's the dude, Obama! Wild applause and cheers. Do the people in this audience know what they're in for?
11:15 AM -- Nearly 2 million jobs lost; more jobs lost last year than at any time since World War II. Manufacturing at a 28-year low. NO MONEY, ANYWHERE. Whatever, Pollyanna!
11:16 AM -- People may have to drop out of school in seventh grade to go work in the coal mines instead of going to college. We will live like our grandparents.
11:17 AM -- Ha ha, "an era of profound irresponsibility." He is talking about you, George Bush.
11:18 AM -- But! We can fix it all, because we have Potential. Now, on to the Plan.
11:20 AM -- 1. Give more people $$ and jobs. 2. Restart the flow of credit.
11:21 AM -- This metric of jobs "saved or created", how do they arrive at this? How do they know if they have saved a job? Will he just look at the number of Americans employed next year and be like, "I saved all those jobs, because obviously they have not been lost"?
11:23 AM -- Let's see, what else. "Green-collar jobs," electronic medical records, huge giveaways to tech companies so that they can equip classrooms with "21st century technology," etc. We will also fix our nation's crumbling bridges, which is to say, every bridge in the nation.
11:24 AM -- Also: More broadband, and also a middle-class tax cut. Extended unemployment insurance. Federal aid to states. Sorry dudes, that this is so boring and unfunny! It is just such a very long list.
11:26 AM -- Transparency will save our economy! Our decisions will be on the Internets!
11:27 AM -- And none of you Congressional goons better to try to slip in none of them dadgum EARMARKS. They are unpatriotic.
11:28 AM -- Hmm, something about "addressing the foreclosure crisis"! A novel idea, quickly discarded for other topics. Railing against Wall Street, etc.
11:29 AM -- Haste! Haste is urged, lest dreams be deferred and denied.
11:30 AM -- Sorry Congress, you will probably have to work weekends on this one.
11:31 AM -- Brief hat-tip to the other famous smoking president, FDR.
11: 32 AM -- Well, that was brief! Did Obama satisfy CNN's money commentariat? Ali Velshi: Hang on, let me grab some Wet Wipes. Yes, it was very satisfying.
11:34 AM -- Christine Romans: "It's very eloquent, but this is a Christmas tree of spending."
So, to sum up: Obama has vomited up this laundry list/Christmas tree of spending requests, people still want details, but details are boring, we are all poor. America!!!