Liveblogging Hillary and Her Kitchen Sink

The old man in the accompanying photo is Rutherford B. Hayes, an ex-governor of Ohio -- where tonight's Democratic debate takes place -- and eventual president of the United States. Hayes was elected in 1876, perhaps the closest, most controversial election in American history. Although Hayes was a Republican, they were good then (party of Abraham Lincoln). The election was so close between Hayes and Samuel Tilden that an election commission of evil politicos negotiated a "deal," where Hayes would get the presidency, but the Southern ex-slaveowners would be able to take power back in the South. Hayes got the presidency, but the country was broken. Point is: this is the only way Hillary Clinton can win the 2008 Democratic nomination -- get it close, fudge some rules, break the country. Let's see if she can do it!

9:02 -- Brian Williams

9:04 -- First question, paraphrased: Hillary, do you consider calling Barack shameful and a liar very "valedictory"? Why are you still running against our favorite Kenyan potted plant?

9:05 -- The 15 million people that Barack's health care plan doesn't cover will be covered by his love. Love is change you can Xerox.

9:07 -- Seven minutes in, and we're already talking about the goddamn Drudge Report. Hillary has no idea what the Drudge Report is or why anyone would consider Barack a Muslim, with AIDS.

9:08 -- Barack worries about how Hillary Clinton would enforce her individual mandate for all Americans. But how would Barry enforce his mandate for children only? Maybe by not being a bitch, which is what Hillary would do.

9:10 -- Ooh, the University of Pennsylvania (among others) said Barack's attacks on Hillary's health care plans were unfair. Well, this writer recently graduated from this same UPenn and now writes dick jokes all day on Wonkette. Advantage, Barry.

9:12 -- Barry: You still do not understand this Hillary. If people want health care, they will have to pay for it. Barack Obama will not let people who can't afford health care buy it.

9:14 -- What's wrong with Hillary Clinton? She gets really Rovian when she tries to push her policy positions. "Affordability"? Telling me that Jim Crow-holdover isn't racist?

9:15 -- Barack says if there's an affordable health care plan out there, they are definitely buying it. He's wrong.

9:17 -- Brian Williams is so funny, he says "After 16 minutes of health care, I think that's enough," or something like that. Ha ha, Brian Williams just concluded that Hillary's strongest suit is boring and worthless.

9:18 -- It's a NAFTA question, for Hillary -- basically, what does she think about it in toto? Hillary thinks this is a good opportunity to mention her Saturday Night Live endorsement.

9:19 -- Oh, and she thinks NAFTA's terrible and broken and they should fix it, terrible law. Would you like a pillow with your retort, Barack?

9:22 -- Barack wants to fix those poison rape toys coming from China. But why does he let them exist now, in the first place?

9:24 -- It is truly remarkable that this same question about NAFTA was once debated between Ross Perot and Al Gore. Why does Hillary disagree with Al Gore?

9:25 -- Tim Russert, that frumpy old curmudgeon, is calling Hillary an ungodly flip-flopper about this dumb trade agreement with Mexico and New France.

9:26 -- Hillary deftly parries by shouting "CLEVELAND PLAIN DEALER" incessantly.

9:27 -- World-class journalist Tim Russert appears to be sated by the concept of the Cleveland Plain Dealer, and its existence.

9:28 -- Russert to the Muslim: And whadda you think about trade, rainbow eyes?

9:29 -- Barry: I can fix trade with sparkles, and investments in infrastructure -- but not with the corporates.

9:30 -- NEW THREAD: Wonkette Managing Editor Ken Layne will be liveblogging the next half hour, on a new thread! Go there, he's great!

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Guys, it's been one more shit day in a shit week in the fifth shit month of another shit Trump year. Which is why I need to remind you that it's not ALL shit out there! Oh, sure, it's MOSTLY shit, but you know what isn't shit? YR WONKETTE, and the strange community of strange internet people who have made getting through all this shit a bit more tolerable, that's who and what. Which is why you should give us money, so we can keep whanging away at the walls of shit with our shovels and laughing at the shit getting all over, because one of these days we will get it all cleaned up or at least not be up to our waists in shit, and we can all laugh about what a crazy fight it was, as St. Molly Ivins always kept reminding us.

In case you're new here, let me just remind you that Wonkette literally got me, Yr Dok Zoom, out of what wasn't quite poverty, but was pretty much paycheck-to-paycheck desperation. I started reading the site shortly before Barack Obama was elected, began commenting sometime in his first term, and submitted a story tip to Rebecca a few months after she bought the site for 47 dollars and a sandwich (I now understand it was a bit more than that). It was Memorial Day 2012, and she wrote back she was busy with some "stupid thing I have to do for some muneez," but would I like to try writing a blog post myself? "I understand if you say FUCK NO. But maybe you are thinking FUCK YES?" And then she warned me she paid only in Ameros. I did, the post was forgettable but OK, and then I wrote a thing (borrowed from now long-lost comments) that went semi-viral, and suddenly I was that hottest thing in publishing, a freelancer!

In less than a year, Rebecca asked you all to buy me to be your very own pet blogger, and my life suddenly became incredibly good, like as good as an Abba song. It's as good as "Dancing Queen." Thanks to the timing of the whole thing (and to Barry Obama and Nancy Pelosi), I actually had health insurance for the first time in years, a not inconsiderable thing. And you had an Editrix who was not working 12 hour days six and a half days a week and drinking too much from stress. Your continued donations helped hire Evan full time and Robyn and Bianca part time and a whole raft of freelancers, and now Rebecca is down to eight-hour days, five and a half days a week, and drinking because there's a madman in the White House and everything's terrible.

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There is a very normal article circulating on the internet right now by a fella named Don Boys (that's not the joke, the jokes are coming), who is both an insane batshit preacher, and also an insane batshit former member of the Indiana House of Representatives. (Also sometimes he blogs at the Daily Caller about how Mike Pence really went balls deep into the gay agenda when he swore in that insane batshit gay guy Rick Grenell as America's ambassador to Germany.)

This article, of course, is about Pete Buttigieg, because what are anti-gay buffoons obsessed with right now? Pete Buttigieg. Boys (still his name) is primarily concerned not with the simple fact that Buttigieg is gay, but with how gay Buttigieg really is. IN THE SEX WAY!

Well, Don, since you asked!

Shall we dive into this thing without the proper prophylactics? We shall.

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