Did you know he was tortured?It is sad to think we will never be here again, at the Xcel Center Hockey Rink, in St. Paul of Minnesota. Ha ha, just kidding. We are so ready to get the living hell out of here! Do you know how long we've been covering these two conventions, in two cities 1,100 miles apart? FIVE AND A HALF YEARS. Or 13 days, same thing, really. Let's liveblog Walnuts McCain giving the speech of, er, the night!


8:25 PM Central -- Nobody's liveblogging Tom Ridge, because, jesus, who cares, right? But we'll mention here that he's saying "THAT'S JOHN McCAIN!" And now, having said it 45 times, the crowd weakly repeats it with a few off-time claps.

8:27 PM -- There are still plenty of seats tonight. Again, no lines to get in, easy to find tables and chairs on the Press level for eating and typing, and right now your editor counts thirteen sections without a single occupied seat -- these are mostly the sections behind the video screen, and you can see them when the news cameras do wideshots of the stage.

8:28 PM -- Goodbye, Tom Ridge! Thanks for the crappy speech nobody cared about! Oh, and thanks for "Homeland Security" and the TSA and all that Nazi-Soviet bullshit.

8:29 PM -- It's the Cindy McCain tribute video! It's about "Smitty," who settled the Old West and then created beer.

8:30 PM -- Hey, what about Cindy's sister, the one her dad Jim abandoned?

8:31 PM -- Why won't they say that John McCain was also married when he first picked up Cindy at a cocktail party, when she was nine?

8:32 PM -- "And then Cindy went to Kuwait with her medical charity, so she could take all the drugs from the Middle East, and eat them."

8:33 PM -- Ha ha, the video doesn't mention the OTHER orphan from Bangladesh she brought back to America. Whatever happened to that baby, anyway? SARAH PALIN SOLD IT ON EBAY!

8:36 PM -- Sara K. Smith will now liveblog Cindy and then the Walnuts Video Review, and we'll be back with this one in a while, for Juan McCain his own beloved self. Nap time for this editor!

9:10 PM -- What a life, indeed! What a family! What a weird David Lynch movie, on both sides of the ticket. The video is about over, having deftly skipped over his entire lobbyist-run three decades on Capitol Hill, his attempts to let the Mexicans take over our Brave Nation, the Keating Five scandal, and the one thing he is most famous for, in the Senate: Forcing liberal Campaign Finance reform upon the nation's Republicans.

9:12 PM -- Which is the only reason he is getting such applause. HI JOHN, HOW IS IT GOING BRO?

9:14 PM -- There are still some empty seats! In fact, there are forty or fifty empty seats in this very section, where your Wonkette is sitting and a-typing!

9:15 PM -- Thank god they got McCain a podium that makes him look taller. We are all tired of seeing Juan look like a hobbit peering over a two-foot garden wall.

9:16 PM -- Ugh, that smile. And the pointing. And the combover is kind of glistening. Well, at least he's not an elitist handsome person, like he was 25 years ago.

9:17 PM -- HA, once again, the McCain campaign gives us a beautiful green screen so America's young dorks can comically fill in the background with old-timey Vaudeville acts and horse-drawn Budweiser carriages from his youth in the 1700s.

9:18 PM -- Really, a green screen? That same puke-green screen that made everybody sick when he spoke in Louisiana back when Barack had wrapped it up?

9:19 PM -- Well, this is a sleepy time for America.

9:19 PM -- John McCain's old mom is a funny rich lady. She must be mentioned often so people will think, "Maybe John won't die in a few months, after all, and that terrible Alaskan lady won't feed us all to the Moose."

9:21 PM -- Finally, a gracious note about Obama. That is the first, and probably the last, as McCain is kind of the final speaker.

9:21 PM -- Several people did loudly boo when Obama was mentioned.

9:22 PM -- First standing ovation of the Walnuts speech: "Let there be no doubt, WE'RE going to win this election."

9:24 PM -- This is officially a disaster. There are protesters everywhere, screaming, banners, and the German Mob is chanting back, USA USA USA USA. This is insane.

9:25 PM -- Good god .... the protesters are howling in ... agony? Hysteria? Now they have been beaten to death, the end.

9:26 PM -- "She works with hands and nose." WTF?

9:26 PM -- Just so you know, out there, it was actually terrifying when, one level down and a few rows to the right, something crazy happened. There is such an insane fear just below the dull surface that awful things are going to happen at these conventions.

9:28 PM -- This wasn't much of a speech to start with, but that little scene just tore apart whatever mood had been achieved in this hockey rink. Now everyone is visibly tense, if not crazy with rage or fear. The clapping is strained. Thanks a lot for ruining McCain's big night, ya Code Pink commies!

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