Liveblogging John 'McNasty' McCain's Mean Speech In Louisiana!
Attention whore John McCain didn't want Democrats to have all the fun tonight, and we needed to start up another comment thread for you lunatics, so join us as we watch John McCain saying mean things about Barack Obama. MSNBC has stationed Howard Fineman on some sort of "Listening Post," which maybe means he has tapped people's phones or something? Anyway we can "listen" to Howard Fineman for a little while before John McCain's angry senile rant, hooray!
8:33 PM -- God bless the lightning speed of our new Server Overlords.
8:35 PM -- Future Republican Vice President Bobby Jindal is talking, and the only network even showing him, briefly, is MSNBC. Instead, everybody else is talking about whether Hillary Clinton will be our future Democratic Vice President (she will not).
8:37 PM -- We vowed not to drink this evening, just for novelty's sake, and we are already beginning to reassess.
8:38 PM -- And here he is, the starlet of the next half hour, John McCain! He addresses "the great city of New Orleans," which is a lie, because he is in "the great white suburb of Kenner." Congratulations to Hillary, blah blah blah.
8:40 PM -- "The choice is between the right change and the wrong change." His face looks like it's going to fall off. He just said "information technology" very carefully, like he didn't want to get it wrong. Like he wasn't sure exactly what it was.
8:42 PM -- Now he is talking shit about the Government, because he is a maverick. JAMMAKAIN! JAMMAKAIN!
8:43 PM -- Something about needing more spies, and more torture laws. Also more "moral credibility." Ha ha, that shouldn't be hard. A veiled insult at Hurricane Katrina. "We should be able to deliver bottled hot water to dehydrated babies," that is what he said. He said that exact thing.
8:45 PM -- He just admitted he is a million years old.
8:46 PM -- "And that's not change we can believe in," and he smiles uncomfortably. He is the most uncomfortable man on the planet. He reminds us that he has put Country Above Self on more than one occasion.
8:48 PM -- "I am her servant first, last, and always." This is something he loves, calling America "her," because he is a Sexist. Now he reminds us of all the ways in which he is not like George W. Bush. For one thing, he has less hair. Ha ha now he reminds us of all the ways in which he was criticized by everyone on the planet.
8:50 PM -- OK wrap it up Jammakain, Hillary's on in ten. He is giving this speech from a FEMA trailer, in the Green Zone. He knows from Iraq, because he was a prisoner there once, of the Sunnis. The Shiites. Ooh tyrants from Havana to Pyongyang! And yet he will not meet with David Petraeus! Too many nouns, the heads are spinning.
8:52 PM -- Here is his old chestnut about how nobody hates war more than him, and nobody wants to hate-fuck war more than he does.
8:53 PM -- Obama is pro-business, did you know that? He wants to put Tariffs on your Groceries. He also refuses to break policy with administrations that GOOD GOD IS THE OBAMA DELEGATE COUNTER DOWN AGAIN? Now it is down to 9. Obama voted for some energy bill that George W. Bush and Dick Cheney, members of McCain's party, voted for. Obama is no Maverick.
8:55 PM -- If his refrain for this campaign is "That's not change we can believe in," then he is well and truly doomed.
8:56 PM -- Barack Obama wants to tax everybody who appears in the commercials that air during Extreme Home Makeover: parents, old people, Dulcolax users...even your babies. John McCain believes in the common sense of the American people: the same sensible Americans who keep electing Republicans.
8:59 PM -- True Fact: John McCain stole his wife Cindy's Novocaine prescription, and now he is addicted to it.
9:00 PM -- DING DING DING Barack Obama is the presumptive nominee, now that South Dakotans have gotten off their lazy asses and finished voting. So long, John McCain! The End!
9:09 PM -- OK peoples there is a new thread here, go go go!