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Liveblogging Obama Giving Bill Richardson the Latino Consolation Prize

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Jeez, that media whore Barack Obama is on the teevee again! Let's liveblog it. He is introducing the Commerce Secretary, who was announced what, two weeks ago? Slow news day, Barry, MMMHMMM? Every big supporter of Obama gets their own press conference which probably takes over The View or Ellen or something, which angers American women. Anyway, Mr. Talky is already talking so let's do this thing.


11:36 AM -- "This morning, a small business is working on the next great idea." Yes, and that idea is Wonkette! We are working on it! (GIVE US A BAILOUT MR. PRESIDENT.)

11:36 AM -- "Proudest, most productive workers in the world, etc." He sounds like John McCain! (A young, sexy John McCain.)

11:37 AM -- "Bill is the fat Mexican secretary this nation needs today." No, no! That's Jonah Goldberg!

11:38 AM -- So is this a good job or what? Seems kind of like a letdown, after being UN ambassador, and governor of New Mexico, and Energy Secretary.

11:40 AM -- "And now I'll let Governor Richardson say a brief word." Oh that's mighty white of you, Barry, to let Bill say something.

11:42 AM -- Energy independence, technology, economy, green jerbs, etc. So Bill is kind of the Energy Czar! Ha ha, that's what Arnold Schwarzenegger wanted to be ... too bad he did that shameful campaign event for Walnuts!

11:43 AM -- Ay carumba, Richardson is speaking Mexican! This is a secret message activating the terrorists!

11:46 AM -- A terrorist Mexican reporter says, "What about this stuff about how Commerce is a consolation prize for Mexicans?"

11:47 AM -- Obama: "Did you notice, senor, how there are no jobs and this is El Grande Depressio?"

11:48 AM -- Has any president-elect guy ever done anything like this, these daily morning press conferences that knock everything off the teevee?

11:49 AM -- What about Bill Richardson's beard? "We are deeply dissapointed," says Obama, that Richardson has shaved off his bum beard. Obama says it was "rugged" and "western," but that Governor Bill wanted to try kissing his own wife, for once, and she does not like beards! Obama will restore the sanctity of marriage!

11:51 AM -- For example, your editor is watching this on Bloomberg Television.

11:52 AM -- And then Obama says he'll use TARP to pave Main Street, with the blood of the unemployed, and then he says Gracias, and walks off into the sunset, with Bill Richardson patting him gently on the back.

11:53 AM -- And now we switch to MSNBC and Andrea Mitchell, who caused this whole Economic Collapse (through her husband), and then the MSNBC reporter notes that Richardson didn't translate his secret Spanish message to the terrorists! Because he was speaking in secret code to Latin American Dictators or something? It's a good thing white Americans are so stupid and can't understand any Spanish beyond "Chalupa Supreme."

11:57 AM -- The Dow has jumped 50 points in the past few minutes. Bill Richardson really is saving the Economy!

11:57 AM -- Charlie Cook or somebody just said this will not be Richardson's last job in the Obama Administration. So he will fix all the moneys and no-job-havings, and then he will replace Hillary Clinton after her body is found in a park with a "self-inflicted gunshot."

11:59 AM -- And the Dow's morning gain has now doubled, all because of Bill Richardson, and Barack's press conference, the end.

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We know, the thing we said in our headline is a thing you can say every day, but it's really intense today, maybe because Donald Trump is now filled with fear of the inescapable reality that millions of Americans who have not read the Mueller Report are going to see Robert Mueller testify on live TV on July 17, and Donald Trump will be exposed. Maybe the Big Mac vending machine next to his golden toilet is on the fritz and he hasn't had gotten to eat a Big Mac on the poop chair since last night. Maybe he's just a weak and sad person, a collection of shithole cells God meant to throw in the garbage, but accidentally implanted in Mary Trump's turkey incubator. We imagine that'd lead to a pretty constant state of anxiety and ennui.

Whatever it is, he's totally fucked right now. We were going to write a nice post about Trump's batshit interview on Fox Business with Maria Bartiromo, but we were busy, and by the time we got to it, he had performed so many batshit feats that we're just going to stick them all in this one post.

Let's start with the fight he's trying to wage with US soccer star Megan Rapinoe, who in a now-viral video stated that she has no fuckin' interest in going to the White House to meet that idiot. He got into a quarrel with her on Twitter ... or at least with a Twitter account that didn't belong to her. It's now been replaced, in order that the adult president may shit-tweet at the soccer superstar who hurt his feelings, but Splinter grabbed the original:

The rant continued:

Right. And Megan Rapinoe just said win or lose, she has no interest in meeting your crusty ass, because no decent American would consider that an honor.

Besides, she has already been to the White House to meet a legitimately elected president:

By the by, the owner of the incorrect Megan Rapinoe account saw Trump's whining and told him to grow a dick and set it on fire:

Ya burnt!

But as we said, it was a whole day of batshit from Trump, so let's continue.

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DING DONG THE WITCH IS ... quite likely to land on her feet. But for today, the New York Times reports Dana Loesch is out of a job, the latest casualty in the war between the NRA and its longtime advertising company Ackerman McQueen. But every cloud has a silver bullet lining, since Dana will have more free time now to spend on her favorite hobby. We can't wait to see which cartoon character she photoshops Klan hoods onto next. Maybe she'll branch out and start putting Nazi armbands onto Buzz Lightyear. Oh, we would be so triggered!

As one of the most visible characters on NRATV with literal hundreds of viewers for each of her fascist rants, Dana Loesch was a tireless advocate for the gunhumpers lobby, always ready to call out "tragedy dry-humping whores," threatening to "fist" or perhaps "fisk" the New York Times, and expressing her hope that the Mueller Report would die in an "AIDS fire."

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