Liveblogging Obama's Latest Super Serious Death Echo!
Barack Obama and people are going to present their report of the underpants bomber, and how funny it was that a guy would do such a thing to his wiener. DON'T LAUGH AT THAT. TERRORISM IS REAL. Supposedly Obama will pretend to take the blame, or responsibility, for not intercepting the plane mid-air from Hawaii. Oy...
4:32 -- The CNN is furious that Obama has delayed this twice, from 1:00 to 4:30. And now it's 4:34. Do they have such a thing as "time" in Kenyawaii?
4:34 -- Hey it's Obama. He says he's got news. He just got briefed. He was late because he shat his pants.
4:35 -- "Janet Napitano will later discuss her screening review." Snooze. When is American Idol on?
4:36 -- Shortcomings occurred in Three Broad Ways. Let us Discuss Them.
4:36 -- The intelligence community did not put all of the masses of amazing information about this plot together. Yemen got no respect.
4:37 -- Missed the second Way.
4:38 -- Third Way: the Holland people let him on the plane despite his presence on the no-fly list. Holland, won't hear from them no more.
4:39 -- Ooh, additonal corrective measures, and we hear them first! There are Four.
4:40 -- New Tactic: supposedly the intelligence community "follows leads" now. It is a breakthrough in intelligence.
4:41 -- Second Tactic: Don't sit on information! Just cold motherfuckin' arrest all leads when you hear about them. You may think this contradicts the first Tactic, about following leads, but you can shut up.
4:42 -- Third Tactic: "Analyze information." Socialist.
4:43 -- Fourth Tactic: "Make the no fly list dongle work-like."
4:44 -- None of these things will actually work, he adds, but maybe you all can stop crying anyway.
4:44 -- Holland actually did have screeners that could detect cockbombs, but this super crafty Nigerian dipshit just, you know... entered through another gate. THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE.
4:45 -- God we are so behind here. It's tough to carefully transcribe a 10-minute dictum of vague variations on "we will tighten the system to work more cohesively, and end terrorism. Now let me go drone-bomb some kids in Pakistan now, it'll never come back to hurt us..."
4:46 -- SYSTEMIC FAILURE. The "anti-terrorism" apparatus is broken, he basically says. Which makes sense, because homeland security is technically "domestic" policy, and we tend to ignore that stuff.
4:47 -- THE BUCK STOPS WITH ME! There's your bone, cable news. Have fun! CNN POLL: Should Obama be shot to the moon for accepting blame for this?
4:48 -- Says he will beef up "defense at home" (assault rifles for ACORN militias) but -- and this is the best part! -- WE MUST BE SURE NOT TO FREAK OUT. Hmm, thought we crossed that line when we started drawing up bombing plans for Nigeria and Algeria earlier this week.
4:49 -- Oh ha he's done.
4:49 -- Janet Napolitano is now talking from somewhere else, presumably giving all of the so-called "details" of the report Obama was tangentially referring to. CNN obviously cuts *that* off right away, so viewers can watch David Gergen deliver his political verdict.
4:50 -- Some mustache guest on CNN demands a Global Summit to rewrite terror rules, because we all know how good the world's body of nations are at agreeing to successful, binding resolutions. Did you hear that they ended global warming last month, in Europe?
4:50 -- Nevermind, we lied, Janet Napolitano has actually not started speaking yet. But it's still safe to assume that CNN will interrupt her for David Gergen's next verdict, about anything.
4:51 -- CNN guest: "I'd just like to make a point about 9/11..." OK, LIVEBLOG OVER.
4:52 -- Summary: Obama pretends to take the blame, but obviously he is making Janet Napolitano take the blame, by having her actually cite THE SPECIFIC FAILURES in a separate room.
Here's what we would like to hear, in a country of Adults: We have NINETY ACTIVE WARS against the Muslims now. PEOPLE DON'T LIKE BEING BOMBED. We are a free society and cannot produce total security. 2,000 of us should expect to die every year in terrorist attacks, so just deal with it, you dingbats...