Liveblogging Part VII: This Drunken Ashtray Mouth Is Weeping Again


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What's up, cancer man? You ready to bring dignity or whatever back to the House of Representatives, where you've been for two entire decades? Let's do a mop-up liveblog and think about chasing the American Dream, with a gun.

12:49 AM -- Obama called John Boehner! And Boehner answered! "Yeahh, *sniff sniff* I'm here, oh man I'm so trashed, goddammit, but we won good, *cough* ... I gotta take a leak hang on--" And then Boehner passes out on the toilet and the federal government is charged 348 cell-phone minutes.

12:51 AM -- But good lord, 54 seats for the GOP (or the Tea Party or god knows what it's called now, the White Faith Party?).

12:52 AM -- We should probably post this before our last readers also fall off the toilet.

12:54 AM -- Our Hour Six Liveblog is right here, all about the California Freakout.

1:08 AM -- Your editor has done six or seven hours of liveblogging on two beers and a salad. Michelle Obama would be so proud.

1:09 AM -- Colorado is still tied. But the Senate 2010 map is starting to look a lot like the 2004 Jesusland map. Progress!

1:17 AM -- Rick Santelli, a rat-faced sociopath back-bencher from a cable channel for day traders, is being interviewed by Brian Williams on NBC because Rick Santelli is the moral face of the Tea Party. (He hates working Americans.)

1:21 AM -- 5,000 votes separate Buck & Bennet in Colorado, and Ken Buck suddenly got a mysterious 30,000 vote surge. Hahaha, all because the Associated Press "accidentally" put 30,000 votes for Bennet in the Buck column. What?

1:24 AM -- CBS says fifty-seven House pickups for the GOP.

1:25 AM -- And Jerry Brown's at about 50-45 over Whitman at the moment, while confused teevee reporters who usually cover the Golden Globes red carpet or whatever try to act like they've even heard of elections before today.

1:27 AM -- Boxer is still awaiting Fiorina's concession phone call. 48-47, with LA and SF yet to be counted.

1:31 AM -- Some kind of Alaskan monster called "WRITE IN" is leading the Alaska Senate race with 40%, haw haw.

1:34 AM -- And now Barack Obama is exactly Ronald Reagan + Bill Clinton, as all three presidents were in recessions and lost a bunch of Congress in the midterms of their first term. So says the Cable News. If cable news existed in the 1930s, we would also hear that Barack Obama is exactly FDR.

2:03 AM -- Jerry Brown is giving his Victory Speech, in a theater he built from the bones of Oakland. He looks great, ad-libbing, philosophizing, arts and military, urban renewal, charter schools, etc. God knows how he's going to do anything in this wreck of a state ....

2:10 AM -- Meanwhile, Meg Whitman refuses to be smoked out of her cave. She won't concede.

2:16 AM -- Carly Fiorina, looking truly deranged, her eyes rolling wildly, shrugging comically, sing-songing "We've got a neeewwww House speaker, wonderful John Boehner!" Now she's saying the race can't be called, 36% counted, SPLIT SCREEN on Boxer HQ, is Boxer coming out? Not yet.

2:18 AM -- It's going to be a long night ... except Boxer is now onstage, at her HQ, and she's giving a victory speech? Yes, pretty much. With 42% reporting and LA/Bay Area uncounted, she's at 50-45.

2:25 AM -- Still no concession from Sharron Angle, either. Gracious to the end.

2:35 AM -- Whitman finally appears. Shitty orchestral music and fake hand-made signs: $163 million dollars. Refusing to concede in the middle of the night: Priceless.

2:37 AM -- She is conceding. Well good for her.

2:38 AM -- "We overcame so many obstacles." Like what, not being to just buy Sacramento? We are sorry, this is actually a gracious speech.

2:38 AM -- The crowd is not happy. They thought she would drag it out like Carly's doing. Well hooray, Meg, and we hope you spend your next $165 million (or whatever it is; the total keeps going up!) on something useful, like California's public school system, or a space colonization program, or alternative energy, or buying nature preserves, or bombing the Midwest.

2:54 AM -- Good night, comrades! Thanks for hanging out with us on this Special Night, and for your tips and comments and lurves.


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