Liveblogging the Actual Most Historical Thing Ever, Since the Moon Landing
It is actually a beautiful, sunny day in Washington D.C., in the freezing winter! The people are hopey, happy, etc. Allah reallydoes want this Barack Obama character to become president, of Earth. Let us now continue the patriotic liveblogging of this Inauguration Day Inaugural Special, from Washington, where somehow another Bush is not becoming president today.
11:20 AM -- "Ahm all right," says mean old Barbara Bush Sr., as she leaves poor hobbling George H.W. Bush Sr. all alone, stuck on the cold metal steps.
11:21 AM -- And now a live shot of ... a white moving van. Boxes. These boxes, or boxes like them, are American Heroes -- because one of these boxes crippled Dick Cheney!
11:21 AM -- Here comes Dollar Bill Clinton and the would-be Secretary of State. The crowd loves 'em! And David Vitter -- the shit-eating hooker-using Diaperman of the GOP -- voted against her, while John Cornyn, the "dildo cowboy," has blocked the appointment. Great men, both of them.
11:22 AM -- HOTNESS BABE ALERT, as the Bush Twins are seated. Jenna looks dazed, as usual, while Young Barbara is so pretty. How is she related to her parents and grandparents? She's not -- like Lauren Bush and Pierce Bush, Young Barbara was grown in the super-secret laboratory at Kennebunkport.
11:24 AM -- CUTENESS ALERT omg look at the Obama girls.
11:25 PM -- GROSS ALERT good christ Lynne Cheney, you suck the life and joy out of the entire National Mall.
11:26 AM -- But just for a moment, because look at that crowd. And look at Aretha Franklin! She will sing the National Anthem. Did you know she is a Civil Rights Icon? It's true! (She was also very funny in The Blues Brothers.)
11:27 AM -- The older Obama girl, Malia, is gorgeous. Look at that purple coat with the faux-fur trim. Jesus, who makes clothes like that for little girls? This entire country is going to start dressing a lot better, isn't it? (That is your editor's Hope, for this Nation of Slobs.)
11:28 AM -- Wow, Michelle's dress. That is crazy. Nobody else could pull that off, except, maybe, Audrey Hepburn or something.
11:32 AM -- Well, George W. Bush Junior, you sad buffoon, we will be gracious today, and just say HOORAY FOR EARTH, YOU ARE GOING BACK TO TEXAS. If there's anything good to say about him, this cunt, it's that we fully expected Washington (and the whole planet) to be a smoking lifeless ruin by now.
11:34 AM -- Your editor is now going to take a few minutes to watch this with his young sons, in the living room, because wtf.
11:39 AM -- Here comes Mr. Cool, your almost president. But first, Joe Biden needs to come out and tell some jokes about Pakistanis or whatever.
11:41 AM -- Can you imagine what's on the collective Fox News Viewer brain, at this moment?
11:43 AM -- Let's check in again. Ugh, so quiet and joyless and somber. But of course ... a black half-muslin.
11:43 AM -- "Ladies and gentlemen, the president elect of the United States of America, Barack H. Obama."
11:44 AM -- Hey, what does that H stand for, anyway?
11:44 AM -- "OBAMA! OBAMA! OBAMA!" So that's what the H stands for, as a couple of million people are chanting this, right now.
11:46 AM -- Diane Feinstein is in charge of this whole thing! She apparently is in favor of "ballots over bullets," which is the usual far-left California moonbattery.
11:48 AM -- Oh hey it's that fat queer Rick Warren.
11:49 AM -- Jesus fucking christ, this classy event is now stained by this jackhole mall-church porpoise-driven fake-laugh bullshit.
11:50 AM -- And yet, there are hundreds of black people in the CNN crowd shots with eyes closed and hands clasped together. There are even women in half-muslin headcloths in the crowd, seemingly praying to the American God of Malls.
11:52 AM -- Rick Warren said "Malia and Sasha" like some Mexican porn narrator.
11:52 AM -- Will this country ever be free from this dimbulb religious nuttery? How is this rich, powerful country still crippled by this nonsense? Whatever, let's listen to Aretha.
11:54 AM -- The range isn't there anymore, 40-plus years since her
Motown Atlantic Records classics, but she's working the limits with a good soul-y growl. And the choir is helping out. Hah, and she gets in some of those high notes anyway. Nice.
11:56 AM -- It is too bad how the White House Christmas Tree bow tragically fell on her head, but she still looks great, at what, 75 years old?
11:57 AM -- Biden, you nut! Here, now, as he takes his oath, this oaf, we realize the genius of picking Gaffey Joe for vice president. He seems absolutely cuddly compared to the evil wheelchair-bound Bond villain we've just said good-bye to, on teevee. Let's say it again, together: GOOD-BYE DICK CHENEY, YOU EVIL MOTHERFUCKER. THANKS TO ALLAH FOR FORCING YOU TO LIVE LONG ENOUGH TO SEE A BLACK MAN BECOME PRESIDENT! NOW FUCK OFF AND DIE.
11:59 AM -- And now famous Hollywood composer John Williams will conduct the "Imperial March," as Cheney is wheeled into a vat of cooking oil.
12:00 PM -- So, the Constitution says the president must be sworn in by Noon, right? NOBAMA EVER.
12:01 PM -- YIKES, what? Wolf Blitzer just talked over Yo Yo Ma to say that, even though the oath has not been given, Barack Obama is now legally, and technically, the president of the United States. No wonder he's smiling so much at this fruity music. Oh wait, now he's not. Now his eyes are closed and he looks serious. Michelle just squeezed his shoulder, which is the secret "Uh dude you are president now" fist jab.
12:03 PM -- Next up, your own Jim Newell, with the exciting Inaugural Address liveblog, plus the 21-gun salute, and mass craziness. You must stay tuned!
12:04 PM -- Ha, now whenever people ask Yo Yo Ma, "What were you doing when Barack Obama became president?", he can say, "I was cold playing the cello for him."
12:05 PM -- John Roberts just called him "Senator." So rude!
12:05 PM -- "Congratulations, Mr. President."
12:05 PM -- So, that happened.