Liveblogging The Border State Bordertacular!
Hillary Clinton is talking about technology and smart fencing. Yes, the fireworks are really going off at THIS debate! She and Barack Obama are about to drop into a vat of mud and start wrestling, sexylike, so all this talking should be over soon.
8:39 PM -- Obama and Clinton agree, agree, agree. We are just going to sit here and eat a cold chicken taco until these people start ripping each other's eyes out.
8:41 PM -- Every now and again some well-dressed youngster runs in and shrieks, "New York Times! Reuters! Statesman!" and hands them a mysterious envelope, presumably full of drugs.
8:45 PM -- Annd...scene. We wrote a bunch of stuff about the Univision guy's sexy accent, but then it somehow got erased, and that's probably for the best. A few words about the buffet: pretty great. Spicy borracho beans, chicken or beef tacos. The guy next to us muttered, "This is going to make me sick," but not in a totally bad way.
8:50 PM -- We're back! John King says, Why are you people nice to each other in person and then so bitchy when you aren't in the same room?
8:51 PM -- Our neighbor to the left says, "I am totally stoned on nicotine gum." You know who else is? BARACK OBAMA.
8:52 PM -- OH SNAP she brought up poor state senator Kirk Watson, who made a total boob out of himself the other night on MSNBC when he couldn't name a single accomplishment of Obama's. "He's sitting in the third row," somebody whispers.
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8:55 PM -- Everybody laughs nervously when Obama mentions his supporters being "delusional." Two people in the press room laugh. One of them is your editor.
8:56 PM -- So suck it, nattering nabobs of negativity! Massive applause. Kirk Watson has disappeared in a puddle of shame. Campbell Brown asks, Why are you such a thieving thief? Obama says, Look, I've used a lot of words in the last two years! Remember Barbara Jordan? She is rolling in her grave at this suggestion.
8:58 PM -- Did you know what the name of this season is? If you guessed winter, you are wrong. It is "Silly Season." In conclusion, Obama can't help it if you can't get past his mellifluous baritone and soulful stylings to the meat of his meat-filled arguments.
9:00 PM -- Hillary: That isn't change you can believe in, that's change you can XEROX! Audible gasps and moans in the press room. "Michelle is going to be waiting for her in the bathroom," says my neighbor.
9:01 PM -- She is always waxing on about what hard work this is all going to be. Why does she have to be such a buzzkill? We want more of the fun words, less of the hard work.
9:03 PM -- Blah blah blah healthcare. He is explaining for the millionth time that we will all reform healthcare based on man's essential goodness.
9:05 PM -- Remember way back in the year nineteen hundred and ninety three, when half of Obama's supporters weren't even born yet? Hillary was failing back then, too, at health care reform. John McCain was having sex with a lobbyist one-quarter his age.
Hurrah, another break! The room clears out as people make one last break for the buffet.
9:10 PM -- And we are back. Hillary says people will be nibbled to death?
9:13 PM -- Oh, here is another thing she takes personally. You know how Supreme Court Justice William Rehnquist had that Gilbert and Sullivan robey getup? This is sort of what her jacket is like, except a very sleek modern version of it (i.e. no epaulets). Obama says he does not want to leave 50 million peole uninsured, and Hillary says, "Well, we disagree about that."
9:15 PM -- Hillary has represented over 80 countries? What? Maybe we are getting stoned on nicotine, too.
9:17 PM -- Obviously Obama thinks he is prepared to be commander in chief, but he's biased. Oh also remember the time he didn't vote for the war in Iraq, and Hillary did? What does THAT say about judgment? Obama is doing some quick math in his head, and he is sort of rambling. We have put all of our eggs in the Musharraf basket. But is Musharraf all cat, or no cattle? Or are there hats involved? America deserves to know. People are now staggering around the press room looking lost and bored. Also, is that Britney Spears' bodyguard, or is there some prominent journalist who is sort of rotund and bald and mustachioed? Of course, if he was prominent he probably wouldn't be in the same room as your humble Wonkette.
9:24 PM -- Woman all across this great country are coming up to Hillary Clinton and grabbing her by the arm. Perhaps this is why she feels so harassed.
9:24 PM -- There is definitely a healthy breeze onstage, as evidenced by Obama's flapping notepad. Maybe it is the radiance of Hillary's hate.
9:25 PM -- My neighbor says, "Four minutes." Praise be. People are beginning to pack up their shit. Obama railing about Iraq. This room is a parade of bad sweaters.
9:30 PM -- It has been agreed in the press room that Barack Obama would smell really good up close, like aftershave but not gross aftershave. Vote on that, America!
9:31 PM -- AND the man "discloses earmarks." How can you not love him? He also objects to bridges to nowhere, such as those built singlehandedly by Alaskan cereal king Ted Stevens.
9:33 PM -- This debate has officially gone on for too long. We are going to stop and not type anything for a while because this is too much crap for you, the reader, to read.
9:35 PM -- Wonkette management would like to bring to your attention the TRUE FACT that the debate has been extended in order to give thwarted commenters more time to chew the fat on this liveblog. We have that kind of pull with CNN. Meanwhile, a skinny blonde one table over has spent 15 minutes putting on makeup. She has a teeny tiny adorable computer. Her computer has zero calories.
9:38 PM -- Great, one final "philosophical" question. What was a testing moment of crisis for you, Senator Obama? You mean, besides that Kirk Watson thing? Ramble ramble ramble...Hillary is smirking like, "Oh, I have one single crisis that is going to totally answer the question correctly." My challenges are nothing, she says; Your challenges, America, are truly dreadful. She is talking about limbless people dragging themselves into some sort of a speaking engagement? Sorry, we were busy thinking about that Univision guy. Eek, and a faceless person. Was he grabbing her arm, too? I am honored to be here, she says, with Barack Obama. (This is a lie.)
9:43 PM -- "Whatever happens, we'll be fine." Editor Layne writes, "This is a breakup speech."
THANK YOU ALL GOOD NIGHT! We will be posting more exciting crap from various beergardens and hotels around Austin, so stay tuned for more tales of horribly drunk liberals arguing about universal health care.