Liveblogging The GOP Idiots Debating How To Ruin Christmas, Forever
We hear this is the "last" GOP debate of the year, but then again we also once believed Santa Claus was for real, so... who knows? What is for FACT is that we will be crawling into a closet to sob when this thing is over, because that is how we usually "come down" from these sorts of bad drug trips, and then maybe stay there for another four hundred years or however long it takes for anti-matter to finally win the universe-wide war on "existence." Wouldn't that be kind of cool, for once? Anyhow, that would require some "science" to happen, so... no luck tonight! Let's gather round the 'puter screens to watch Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich peck each other's eyes out as Rick Perry forgets ...what will be it this time? His last name, maybe? EXCITEMENT. Here we go!
8:53 - Here is the terrible, horrible no good very bad Fox News livestream of this abomination.
8:55 - Oh hey, apparently since Herman Cain dropped out, Jon Huntsman has been promoted back to "existing" again. He will be there!
8:56 - HANG ON, go read this heartwarming thing about how organizers in Wisconsin have already collected nearly the required half-million signatures to start the recall election process to kick world's most-hated Kochsucker Scott Walker out of office in just one month. ON WISCONSIN.
9:01 - Here is another Important Public Service Announcement: Ron Paul -- GIANT RACIST. There, you're welcome, now you have something to send to all your friends when they start asking, "oh so what do you think about this Ron Paul guy?"
9:02 - Bret Baier asks the Newt portion of "Newt Romney" if Newt makes too many people vomit when they look upon his pudgy face to ever consider voting for him. Newt talks about Jimmy Carter and Herbert Hoover. What?
9:06 - Newt claims he has been teaching generals how to conduct wars since 1862.
9:07 - DOKTOR RACIST says it doesn't matter which of the Republican candidates wins the nomination, since every one of them can beat Barack Obama. We want whatever he is on.
9:08 - Rick Santorum can't stop referring to himself as "we" and "us." What is he, the QUEEN OF ENGLAND? Oh yeah, and he wants Iowans to "catch fire" for him. Burn them all alive!
9:10 - What is Mitt Romney's problem? This is the 945th debate we have seen where he is wearing a BLUE tie. Do you know what party you work for, Mittens? Hahahahaha, no.
9:11 - Michele Bachmann deluded Minnesota voters into choosing her to represent them in Congress because she "said what she meant and meant what she said."
9:14 - Rick Perry has a plan to win a debate against Barack Obama! He will "show up early," instead of showing up drunk. He learned this from shitty NFL wingnut quarterback Tim Tebow.
9:19 - HUNTSMAN, he has something to say, that's nice. We will take this opportunity to get a 10-second nap in.
9:23 - The Fox News commentator dingbats are offended that Rick Perry mentioned Tim Tebow before talking about Ronald Reagan. PROTOCOL, people.
9:24 - Oh yeah, this is happening in "Iowa." We should have mentioned this, for "jernalizm."
9:28 - Newt Gingrich responds to a question about the bribes he took from Freddie Mac to shill their brand in Congress: "I worked for Habitat for Humanity, does that count as an answer?"
9:30 - RON PAUL, he isn't happy with Newt's answer. Wait, now he's ranting about fascism? Newt is a fascist, he took money from the fascists at Freddie Mac.
9:31 - UH OH. KEY LINE FOR 2NITE: Newt Gingrich just said, "there are many good government-sponsored organizations." Only the ones that pay him money, but whatever.
9:32 - We have now entered into the "Newt Gingrich is a bloated fat sack who took money from Freddie Mac, the Satan of all government programs" portion of the evening.
9:34 - Newt Gingrich makes the argument that his work with Freddie Mac does not count because he was a "national figure" writing "best-selling books" at the same time.
9:39 - Everyone is shitting on Newt. "Why do you hate Paul Ryan's Medicare plan to destroy Medicare?" Newt: Reagan.
9:41 - Ron Paul promises as President to "not run the economy," probably won't show up for work.
9:42 - Rick Perry's platform of Washington reform is to, uh, tell Congress to "get jobs" and work part-time. Neil Cavuto remarks, "Congress only worked 151 days this year, how much less would constitute part time?" Rick Perry: "Uh... 140 days." And that is how REFORM works, bitches.
9:47 - Mittens, what the hell are you blathering about? "Manufacturing will come back to America." Is America moving to China or something?
9:49 - Newt promises to kill appellate court judges who refuse to admit church and state are not, in fact, separate.
9:50 - Newt, as a "historian," knows better than people with "law degrees" that the Supreme Court is unconstitutional.
9:52 - Michele Bachmann, ladies and germs: "We've come to the idea that the courts are the final arbiter of law. They aren't."
9:53 - Michele Bachmann will only appoint judges to the Supreme Court who believe in the "original intent" of the Constitution. Bring back slavery!
9:54 - Mittens tells a short story about Massachusetts governance to Megyn Kelly. SNOOZE.
9:57 - Rick Perry will abolish lifetime appointments for the Supreme Court, for some reason.
9:58 - Okay everyone is supposed to name their favorite Supreme Court judges of all time. RON PAUL: "They're all good and they're all bad." Everyone else: "What was the question?"
10:03 - Ron Paul gets perhaps the most surprising applause line of the night so far saying he is worried all the scare porn about Iran getting a nuclear weapon leading America into "another Iraq." Bret Baier says, "Ok, well hypothetically if it weren't just scary fiction, what would you do if they had a nuclear weapon?" RON PAUL GOES THERE: "Well, we have a nuclear weapon, too."
10:06 - Bret Baier, not letting it go: "What should the U.S. response be if Iran gets a nuclear weapon?" RON PAUL, "Obama is wisely backing off on the sanctions." (He isn't. The latest NDAA bill includes new sanctions.)
10:07 - Rick Santorum hahahahahaha accuses Iran of being run by a "radical theocracy." So... Rick Santorum is jealous?
10:09 - Mitt Romney is attacking Obama's wimpy "sanctions" appeasement policy on Iran. Let us remember at this moment that Mitt Romney penned a whiny op-ed in the WSJ offering to ...increase sanctions on Iran.
10:11 - Michele Bachmann: "Obama was handed victory in Iraq on a silver plate." Isn't it fun how you can just quote this woman and it's hilarious all on its own?
10:12 - Goddamit, Ron Paul is talking a little bit of sense. "What are we going to do, declare war on billions of Muslims? Why do we have to bomb so many countries?"
10:14 - MUCH HAND-FLAPPING. Ron Paul to Michele Bachmann: "You are fucking illiterate." Then he tells a cute little short story about the Cuban Missile Crisis. Lesson: "You cannot solve problems with war." Michele Bachmann stares blankly and says, "I stand on the side of the American people." GOOD.
10:17 - Oh, Jon Huntsman. He tries to explain that the United States should focus on domestic policy before launching bazillion-dollar wars, Bret Baier cuts him off. NONE OF THAT.
10:19 - Rick Perry is in favor of eliminating the space between the United States and "Izruhl." Maybe attach it to Florida or something?
10:21 - Oh hooray, we have moved into the "how much do you love earth raping" portion of the evening. Newt Gingrich blames "extreme leftists in San Francisco" for blocking the Keystone pipeline.
10:27 - Neil Cavuto's shirt is giving your editor a seizure. He's asking Rick Perry a question that Rick Perry doesn't know how to answer, so he is talking about the Constitution. "Happy Birthday, Bill of Rights!" Dude, it's CHRISTMAS, you are supposed to wish JESUS a happy birthday. Stop talking about GOVERNMENT, or are you a SOCIALIST.
10:33 - OOPS, your editor's hundred-year-old computer just crashed, in sadness. Something something "immigration," murder all the Mexicans, there's a good plan.
10:36 - Newt Gingrich, also a racist, proposes dropping all of the government's lawsuits against the racist governments of the South trying to crucify all of the illegal immigrants keeping their economies afloat.
10:39 - Jon Huntsman to the rescue with a "rational" point everyone is sure to hate: "Legal immigration is an engine of growth in this economy." THERE IS LEGAL IMMIGRATION?
10:40 - Ohhhhhhh shit. Mitt Romney just admitted he used to be pro-choice. But it's okay, because apparently Reagan used to perform abortions in his free time before changing his mind about it, according to Mitt Romney.
10:42 - Mitt Romney: "I do not believe in discriminating against people based on their sexual orientation." Yep.
10:44 - CUE RICK SANTORUM. "I had a no discrimination policy in my office." Wait, what?
10:48 - Michele Bachmann wants a rebuttal for getting her facts wrong, because she is always getting her facts wrong, and is always wrong, but she insists she is a "serious candidate" for President, despite always being wrong.
10:51 - Rick Perry thanks the GOP candidates for allowing him to join the debate.
10:53 - RON PAUL is clutching his podium for dear life. Don't fall asleep, Ron Paul!
10:55 - What??? Jon Huntsman gets the last word, for some reason. "Debate is good," he hath ruled. Sure.
10:56 - Fox News dingbat commentators: "People seemed to be a mind-meld here." OH come ON, don't start saying things we AGREE WITH. In other news, it's apparently "late."
10:58 - VERDICT: Tim Tebow wins this debate. And with that, GOOD NIGHT.