Liveblogging the GOP Reagan Zombie Death Match PART DEUX


WHO HAS ALREADY PASSED OUT from alcohol poisoning, or masturbation, or both together for those extra magical unicorn points? Are you still with us? Is anyone still left, in America? We are not here, we are ghosts. None of this is real. Ronald Reagan is just the star of your zombie porn collection and Rick Perry is the safe where you store your diamond-encrusted dildos that are also not real, because of diamonds just being cocaine smashed together between Rick Santorum's ass cheeks, which are also fake. What the hell are we talking about? LIVEBLOGGING THIS THING STILL, AGAIN, ALWAYS, ETERNALLY, HOORAY:

5:53 - We are still using Communist Time, so you can blame Ken Layne for this.

5:57 - What the hell is a "Mulligan" Mitt Romney. Are you smoking as much crack as we think you are?

6:00 - RON PAUL states his ever-popular "screw the disaster victims, the government is not allowed to touch my testicles" stance for removing troops from Iraq.

6:05 - Brian Williams asks Rick Perry why he is happy for Texas to be the world's most illiterate cesspool of idiots. Rick Perry: "People who flip anusburgers do not need to be able to read, SO THERE."

6:07 - Newt Gingrich takes a break from insulting the moderators to praise Barack Obama. It's almost like he really wants to win this thing, by losing it.

6:09 - Rick Perry will have sex with a predator drone if he can find one that will drop bombs on the socialist Muslims sneaking into the country. Seriously! That is his border security proposal: "fly predator drones over the border" because America is now the English-language equivalent of Waziristan.

6:12 - Michele Bachmann must be in a pill coma, because she no longer exists in this debate.

6:13 - OH THERE SHE IS. Here is a weird and terrifying newsflash for Michele Bachmann: border fences will not stop the narcoterrorists.

6:15 - What would Herman Cain look like in Michele Bachmann's hair tonight? Tina Turner?

6:16 - Jon Huntsman is unable to raise his left eyebrow. And he imports his children into the United States from space, like Jesus did. JUST LIKE STALIN.

6:20 - WHEW there is a break. Time to search for some carbohydrates to absorb the alcohol. Thank Jesus for Spaghetti-Os, or whatever stamped sawdust/pig lips are called these days.

6:23 - God, Rick Perry's head bobbles around a lot when he talks. What the hell is he talking about? SPEAK ENGRISH, GODLESS LIZARD.

6:26 - It is funny that when we are not watching the video, we know that Jon Huntsman is talking just because he sounds 934% more like an NPR broadcaster than a regular human. Where's your dipshit local accent, Jon?

6:29 - Oh look, here is Rick Perry "appealing to the center" by agreeing with 104% of people that killing bin Laden was a positive thing Obama did. Will independents masturbate Rick Perry's hairdo in thanks?

6:36 - Rick Perry gets a round of applause for telling everyone he will skullfuck Galileo's "science" all the way back to the 16th century for implying that science should ever have an effect on public policy.

6:40 - Newt Gingrich is back on his "sell Alaska to China" revenue concept. While we are selling off states for China to rape, we will sell them Florida, Arizona and Scott Walker. Who's with us?

6:44 - Haha, oh gawd, the audience just applauded when Brian Williams asked Rick Perry whether he sleeps well at night for executing a record 234 people under his watch. Remember when Rick Perry executed all those teenagers and special needs people? Yeah, America doesn't need any of those.

6:49 - WHAT????????? The evil "campaigns" whoever they are told Brian Williams that he has run past his allotted time for asking GOP candidates why they are so evil, which is COMMUNIST. Oh, stop worrying, there is another one of these things tomorrow or in a week or whatever. The invisible hand wins again.

6:55 - God, Brian Williams was serious. Okay, there is a lonely tequila bottle we have not molested yet. We will miss you, Michele Bachmann, if you still exist! (She doesn't.) Good night!


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