Time for a good old-fashioned Iowa Live Blog, made of butter. Huckabee is the GOP winner, Romney's paying a heavy price for believing in the Wrong Jesus and also being a creepy guy, Ron Paul has totally been set up, and we can't remember who is or isn't supposed to win the for the Dems. Elizabeth Kucinich, right? Our nation's first hippie Englishwoman! A redhead really can be president, maybe.


Also -- IOWA TIME ZONE. So that would be, uh, 8:15 p.m. right now, right?

8:16 PM -- Mike Huckabee spent nine dollars on his Iowa campaign, while Mitt Romney spent nearly $50 million. Do you doubt who knows the Real Jesus now?

8:17 PM -- Playing a guitar is pretty much the opposite of interesting, despite the fascination expressed by the CNN dorks.

8:17 PM -- 59% of the Dem precincts have reported, with Barry Hussein in the lead! Howard Dean is somehow going to jinx this, on CNN, right now.

8:23 PM -- Uh oh, Iowa finally broke Andrew Sullivan for good. Get some help, bro. Don't sleep outside in the ice.

8:24 PM -- Remember, Huckabee winning Iowa keeps Mitt from winning New Hampshire, which is why Walnuts McCain is in New Hampshire, instead of Iowa, because .... ah, who cares.

8:25 PM -- Barry Hussein Obama is the new president of Democrat Iowa! Yay, Baracklava! 74% reporting.

8:33 PM -- Imagine, a 94% white cracker state like Iowa is picking a black guy. Or, to be more accurate, 34% of half of 12% of the registered voters in Iowa have picked a black guy. We think that is about seven people, total.

8:42 PM -- How awesome that Ron Paul is at least beating Rudy Giuliani. Right now, with 65% reporting, Dr. Congressman Paul is at 10% and opera-loving terror dandy Rudy Giuliani is at a dismal 4%. Rudy will drown his sorrows tonight in the ashes of 9/11 victims, and then he'll get another divorce.

8:45 PM -- Wait a minute, Huckabee's some kind of Jesus Criminal!!!

8:47 PM -- Rudy's on CNN, sounding fairly sane and congratulating Huckabee for the big win. Strange that Mitt Romney still hasn't called Huck with a "High Five, Christian!"

8:48 PM -- Then again, gold just hit another record, so maybe Ron Paul will become President of Earth after all.

9:00 PM -- OK, to hell with this. We'll run a Barry Hussein Victory Speech Liveblog in a few, along with a Mike "Huckleberry" Huckabee Victory Speech Liveblog, soon. Who has New Hampshire Fever??? :(

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