Liveblogging the Last Freakin' Debate, Part II


Is this really it? The end of the debates, for this presidential race? It seems like onlytwo years ago that these awful debates began -- because that's how long they've been going on, for two years. And now, it comes down to Two Men. One is an increasingly terrifying old lunatic who is probably going to hit the moderator tonight, and blame it on Bill Ayers. Also: Orange Squirrel Furries. This is an official tactic of the RNC today, these Squirrel Furries! The other is ... well, we don't really know anything about him, if he is a "him." We don't even know his name, if he has a name. There is literally no way anyone could possibly know anything about this "That One" character, except he is leading by about 107 points tonight, so obviously no matter what he does, we will all nod our heads with dignity and say that he lost. Wait, what?

9:00 PM -- Our pre-debate liveblog, otherwise known as "Part I of the Liveblogging," is right here!

9:00 PM -- Oh, hey, it's that nice old Bob Schieffer fellow. What kind of incredibly awkward and unwarranted attack will McCain make on this kindly CBS anchorman?

9:00 PM -- It was super nice of McCain to loan Chris Matthews one of his old gay sweaters.

9:00 PM -- "Grumpy old man in slippers." -- Joe Biden, describing Walnuts today.

9:00 PM -- Oh dear christ, Olbermann and Matthews were just cackling and listing all the comical mean old men McCain reminds them of: Mr. Wilson from Dennis the Menace, Grandpa Simpson, etc. And with that, the 49th and final presidential debate! Oh and here is our slapped-together drinking game!

9:01 PM -- Hello Bob! What are the rules? "Simple." How long are the dealies? "Nine-minute segments." Then what? "Then we'll have a discussion." Let's roll, biatches!

9:02 PM -- A warm greeting between the candidates, if by "warm," you mean McCain gritted his dentures and faked a smile while shaking Obama's hand.

9:03 PM -- The economies are bad, oh noes! What will you people do? McCain is already busily scribbling notes, and now does his usual mention of whatever old politician is in the hospital tonight.

9:04 PM -- Ha ha, McCain "won't repeat" the parts of his economic policy that Bob mentioned, although he didn't really list McCain's economic policies. Anyway, McCain doesn't know "his" policies, but he can mention this dingbat "I will buy your home" plan.

9:05 PM -- Obama: "Worst financial crisis since the Great Depression." Bailout plan that "Senator McCain and I both supported" is a first step, etc., but the MIDDLE CLASS needs a rescue plan.

9:06 PM -- Jeez, how did Walnuts again miss the chance to get in a "middle class" reference? Obama will have a dozen "middle class" mentions before this answer is over!

9:07 PM -- We've switched to CNN so we can watch the squiggly meter which shows what the undecided bitters think of this. Ladies Love Cool Barry, as usual, but the men are close, and they are super positive.

9:07 PM -- "Would you like to ask Senator Obama a question?" McCAIN: "No." And onto some story. The squiggly lines just go straight down. Oh lord.

9:08 PM -- Flatlining.

9:08 PM -- Oh lord. Gibberish already, stumbling, talking to the camera, "What you want to do?" Huh?

9:09 PM -- "Heh heh." DRINK!

9:10 PM -- The squigglies stay low until Obama says "95% of you out there will get a tax cut." Ding ding ding the nice man will give you moneys!

9:10 PM -- Then Obama corrects the Joe the Plumber story, and the squigglies go up up up, even though it is confusing, to this editor, who is trying to type, after all.

9:11 PM -- Yellow teeth, snarling, creepy chuckling, "class warfare."

9:11 PM -- Add "Joe the Plumber" to the drinking game! That's what, 15 drinks? Be careful out there.

9:12 PM -- "Ordinary families" and the squiggly rises!

9:13 PM -- Ireland! Drink, just because. God, he loves saying Ireland. McCain, we mean.

9:13 PM -- McCain doesn't seem to realize that "spread the wealth around" doesn't actually sound so bad to, you know, 95% of people. How would he know this?

9:14 PM -- Bob the Builder: "Aren't you both ignoring reality, won't some of the programs you propose have to be trimmed or cut back?"

9:14 PM -- Boring yet important Barry talk on health care, Medicare, health insurance, etc. He sounds serious and stable, the squigglies skyrocket, "We're not going to be able to go back to our profligate ways." Squggly goes down a bit, as nobody knows what that word means.

9:16 PM -- McCain: "Let's get back to me talking about this I'll-buy-your-mortgage scheme."

9:17 PM -- "What will you cut?" Don't make Bob Schieffer mad, Walnuts!

9:17 PM -- He lists a bunch of types of energy sources, women are going down down, "I know how to ..." Then, again, the TOTAL SPENDING FREEZE, squigglies go down down down. Sugar cane! Brazil! "I know how to save billions" ... men squiggly rises, then goes down as ... it turns to gibberish.


9:19 PM -- Sara, where is the overhead projector link please?

9:19 PM -- Obama: "Earmarks are the centerpiece of Senator McCain's campaign. Earmarks make up half of one percent of federal spending. Bush spent all our monies!"

9:20 PM -- Here, here is the tale of the "overhead projector," which first of all has yet to be replaced. And second, uh, hey, science museum, public planetarium, education, for kids?!

9:21 PM -- God, this fucking jabbering over the energy bill and whatever. Cutting spending.

9:23 PM -- McCain will not look at Obama when he speaks. He seethes!

9:24 PM -- "I got the scars to prove it," says McCain with a cackle, and the squigglies go down, down in the tank.

9:24 PM -- "Senator Obama, your argument that you've stood up to your party is not very convincing." Mincing smile. Down go the squigglies.

9:25 PM -- Bob: "Are you willing to say the shit your campaign says, but to each other's face?"

9:25 PM -- McCain: "It's Obama's fault for not having 10 town hall meetings with me."

9:25 PM -- John Lewis! Segregation! George Wallace! "That to me was so hurtful."

9:27 PM -- So, will John McCain say anything to Obama's face? No, but he will look in the other direction, say "You didn't keep your word," "You didn't tell people the truth, because you didn't."

9:28 PM -- Barry will not go for the kill, because he doesn't have to. But, "100% of your ads, John, have been negative."

9:29 PM -- McCain, weird smile, "That's not true."

9:29 PM -- And back to economic polices, the economic crisis, squigglies go up again!

9:30 PM -- Time to turn this over to your own Sara K. Smith, with a new liveblog, a new Joe the Plumber segment, let's go! Ugh.

9:31 PM -- Oh, first, John Lewis: Obama says John Lewis was troubled because Palin's supporters were yelling "terrorist" and "Kill Him!" at Obama's name. "Congressman Lewis' point was we have got to be careful with our supporters."

9:32 PM -- And the American people have become so cynical about our politics, blah blah &c.

9:33 PM -- McCain is FUMING! The skeletor face.

9:33 PM -- McCain: "I'm proud of the people who come to my rallies."

9:33 PM -- They are patriotic! When they say "Kill him!" And ... stunned silence.sss

9:34 PM -- Sara? Please?

9:35 PM -- Yes, here is your new liveblogging, Part III.

9:36 PM -- Oh shit, now it is all here, ACORN, "washed up terrorist," "destroying the fabric of democracy," "all of these things need to be examined."

9:36 PM -- Obama: "Mr. Ayers has become the centerpiece of McCain's campaign these past three weeks. Forty years ago, when I was eight years old, yadda yadda, and 10 years ago, we served on a school board CREATED BY RONALD REAGAN, somehow, and the Republicans. All Republicans. Mr. Ayers is not involved in my campaign, hasn't been involved in my campaign."

9:37 PM -- "ACORN ... paying bums to register votes, people just filled in names to get paid. I represented them alongside the U.S. JUSTICE DEPARTMENT. The reason it's important to get the facts out, I associate with Warren Buffet, and Paul Volcker, and Joe Biden, and Dick Lugar (GOP!), and NATO, the supreme commanders.

9:39 PM -- And the squigglies tank. And finally, Obama laughs at McCain.

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