Liveblogging The New Hampshire GOP Debate
Here is your "GOP debate blingee" which, you know, hang in there. Your furriner editor is new at the blingee thing.
SO HERE WE GO. Tonight's debate is in New Hampshire, where Michele Bachmann last changed American history. Why was Sarah Palin trying to copy her so hard? Where is Sarah Palin, to wear the same color jacket as Michele Bachmann? This is now the second GOP primary contender debate, which, did that first one count? No, because Mittens was not there. What will Mittens say about the MEDISCARE? Will experimental linguist Tim Pawlenty use his favorite new word, "Obamneycare?" Who will say how much they want to sleep with Paul Ryan first?
10:05 - Okay, the post-debate show has not yet come on, so this is The End. HERMAN CAIN WINS AGAIN. GOOD NIGHT.
10:00 - So what have WE learned? Nothing. This was pretty boring. Where is Sarah Palin when you need someone to spout sentence-length illiteracy?
10:00 - Pawlenty totally tries to ride on Mitt's Bruins joke.
9:58 - NEWT WILL TOTALLY WIN YOUR AMERICAN IDOL, MICHELE BACHMANN. PICK HIM. This is the best ticket we can possibly imagine.
9:57 - Tim Pawlenty called Iraq a "shining example in the Middle East" which, wow, it is pretty much past Tim Pawlenty's bedtime.
9:55 - Haha, polls say you all completely suck.
9:54 - Is this over yet? Why was Hermann Cain talking about his grandma? Is she his running mate?
9:50 - Oh sure, now that it's Obama's stupid war to kill brown people it's way too expensive. Rick Santorum said, "fecklessness," which makes us think of "feces" for some reason. Which, you know.
9:45 - We made it 1 hour and 45 minutes into this debate without a 9/11 reference. Congratulations for ruining everything, Tim Pawlenty. Who are you, again?
9:42 - Mittens, handing power to the Taliban military is what REAGAN DID, you are allowed to stick with that.
9:38 - BREAKING: TIM PAWLENTY LOVES COKE.
9:37 - Who is this McElveen character and why does he sound like a drunken Tulsa radio DJ when he talks?
9:35 - What moron asked Ron Paul about eminent domain? There goes the rest of the debate time slot.
9:34 - Newt Gingrich says put Department of Homeland Security bureaucrats on the southern border, because they will form a nice human shield.
9:32 - Tim Pawlenty is in favor of sending Minnesota National Guard members to PROTECT THE BORDER from Canadians, who sneak hockey players into Minnesota. Not joking.
9:25 - Okay probably time for a bathroom break, Michele Bachmann is still yakking about abortion and how GOD GAVE THE RAPED LADIES A PRESENT don't they see that?
9:21 - Hermann Cain just said, "druthers."
9:18 - OH, tears, Michele Bachmann came from a broken home? This is news to us, we thought she came from space.
9:16 - We would like John King's next "this or that" question to be: "BOXERS OR BRIEFS."
9:12 - Ron Paul would like to reinstate the McCarthy witch hunts, blah blah Nazi Sharia patriot traitors something something wasn't he just saying people should be able to opt out of paying taxes on programs they don't like? THAT SOUNDS LIKE SHARIA.
9:10 - Hermann Cain wants to test new job applicants about the Constitution, which means no one will ever have a job in America, ever again.
9:04 - Michele Bachmman says that Obama is "more eloquent than I me" probably because he would not have made that same grammar mistake.
9:02 - What is this nation "Chillay" that Cain is talking about?
9:01 - GRANDMA TOSSED OFF THE BRIDGE. Hermann Cain has the best metaphors of anyone in this debate so far. He is winning.
8:56 - Does it sound like Newt Gingrich has a marble in his throat?
8:54 - Ron Paul has no idea what either a Blackberry or an iPhone is. That was a mean question.
8:49 - And Newt Gingrich says with absolutely zero hesitation: "American Idol." Do he and Callista love to sing along?
8:45 - AHAHAHA Newt Gingrich would like to just build a giant railroad to the moon. And we are a third world nation.
8:44 - Corrected: John King is going "alright, alright, alright," which is even more annoying.
8:43 - Is anyone else ANNOYED by John King quietly going, "uh huh, uh huh, uh huh" every two seconds while the candidates talk?
8:40 - Romney just said this: I am against the auto bailout, they should have done a bankruptcy, the auto bailout failed, Bush and Obama should not have done the bailout, they ended up doing a bankruptcy, like the one I said they should do, and that was terrible. Mittens just flip-flopped within the same single paragraph.
8:37 - MICHELE YOU CANNOT SAY BOTH ELVIS AND JOHNNY CASH. Pick one drug addict or the other.
8:35 - And now there is a break. BEER RUN.
8:32 - Newt Gingrich has like two hair helmets on one over the other. He said something totally incomprehensible about unions, and then the 10th amendment. Uhhhh, going to have to look that one up.
8:27 - Does this guy know that the protests were in Wisconsin, not Minnesota?
8:25 - John King says CNN will be hosting a Tea Party Debate soon, which sounds like "giant screaming kangaroo mosh pit" and so we will watch that.
8:23 - Did Michele Bachmann actually just say the Tea Party is made up of disaffected Democrats? Is the Tea Party secretly run by Ralph Nader?
8:22 - Santorum licks Paul Ryan's ballz. His major legislative achievement welfare reform, he says, in other words KILLING POORS. SAVE FETUSES, KILL POORS.
8:15 - John King was the first one to repeat the word, "Obamneycare." He gets to do the first shot. Pawlenty is using too much big words.
"Empowered consumers" SNOREEEEEE.
8:13 - John King: SERIOUSLY EVERYONE UNDER 30 SECONDS
8:13 - BREAKING UPDATE: God instructed Michele Bachmann to run for president, just now
8:10 - John King will spend the rest of this debate interrupting every candidate every single time he or she tries to speak.
8:05 - Rick Santorum takes a poop on Tim Pawlenty's 5% GDP annual growth promise, and Tim in rebuttal says, "WE ARE NOT ARGENTINA" because they are negative nellies.
8:03 - Santorum and Bachmann talk about how many children they have and how long they have been married, which between them they have 64 kids and have been married for 204 years. Gingrich says, "we need more jobs in America."
8:01 - WHERE IS THE CNN LIVE FEED. Oh, there it is. Stupid internet.