So many new states are about to pick their own special presidents! Let's see who will be projected to punch Wolf Blitzer in his "beard." It's Arizona, Colorado, Kansas, New Mexico, New York, North Dakota, Minnesota ... so many states, so much election projection business!

9:00 PM -- Hillary wins New York, one of her seventeen "home states." But still, 281 delegates!

9:00 PM -- In New York, they are Celebrating (at her campaign headquarters).

9:07 PM -- Barack Obama won Delaware!

9:07 PM -- Ha, the Chicago crowd is getting better at applauding when they know the CNN camera is on them.

9:08 PM -- Hillary has 279 delegates, Obama has 210 ... according to CNN's magic estimate. This means she has more "super" "delegates" while Barry Obama has more "delegates" won tonight .... er.

9:09 PM -- On the Republican side, McCain won so let's not do the whole super delegate bullshit talk we don't understand.

9:10 PM -- Let's switch to C-SPAN. It's so easy with our very small giant news wall 'o video!

9:14 PM -- Jesus Christ, C-SPAN is boring. Let's go to Fox.

9:18 PM -- Fox News can't find Alabama on a map.

9:19 PM -- John McCain wins New York! Mitt Romney got, uh, about half as many votes.

9:20 PM -- Hillary gets New Jersey! She is the "tri-state winner," according to Keith Olbermann.

9:24 PM -- No wonder Fox News can't find Alabama on a map -- Obama just won Alabama! (Wait, that makes no actual sense.)

9:25 PM -- THE CALIFORNIA POLLS JUST CLOSED, according to MSNBC. But, uh, aren't they open until 8 p.m. out in California? It's only 6:25 p.m. right now.

9:26 PM -- Speaking of, Mitt Romney just called your editor, at home! Mitt encouraged your editor to go vote (yeah, right ...) and then promised he would personally kill all the nice Mexicans.

9:30 PM -- Did you know John McCain was a foot soldier in the Reagan Revolution in Vietnam? That's how he became a Prisoner of Love.

9:32 PM -- Screw this, let's do some different posts.


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