Liveblogging the 'Oh Let's Pretend We Like Herman Cain' GOP Debate PART II

Liveblogging the 'Oh Let's Pretend We Like Herman Cain' GOP Debate PART II

ARE WE ARE AT WAR, ALREADY?  Here is the JESUS WEEN, watching Herman Cain and Rick Perry preside over the flogging of Jesus-hater Nazi Pope common-sense rapist Mitt Romney while he sobs over the corpse of a spider, who is Michele Bachmann. It is a metaphor for all of American Capitalism. LET US CONTINUE watching these clueless fops debate one another about who is most qualified to return the United States to the glorious eternal night of the Middle Ages and plagues, to complete the cycle of history. PART TWO, HERE WE GO:

9:05 - OH GOOD, Charlie Rose is holding some kind of lightning round of doom. Who will die first?

9:07 - Herman Cain will murder Mitt Romney's 59-point plan with his nine-point plan of nine, because nine is greater than 59, if you are good at math.

9:09 - Mitt Romney to Herman Cain: "I am sorry you are still stuck in the third-grade math section. You must at least be able to do basic algebra if you want to be president."

9:10 - GAH OUR LIVE FEED DROPPED OUT. The CIA is finally onto us.

9:12 - Oh now it is back. The CIA is very bad at their evil jobs. The Bloomberg cameras have wandered off their tripods, and we are getting seasick watching these shaky handheld shots of Mitt Romney vomiting nonsense.

9:15 - Ron Paul: "64% of the people want a regular audit of the Fed." We dispute this claim, because we disbelieve the idea that 64% of people have even HEARD of the Fed.

9:16 - Rick Perry to Mitt Romney: "How do you feel about the fact that Massachusetts is way behind Texas in letting its uninsured citizens die terrible deaths, alone?" Mitt Romney: "Chris Christie endorsed me for president, I'll tell you that."

9:19 - Michele Bachmann is a mother to 284 children, so please visit her website so that she can repeal Obamacare, to kill jobs, for Jesus.

9:23 - Herman Cain: NUMBER NINE, TURN ME ON DEAD MAN. NUMBER NINE, TURN ME ON DEAD MAN. Jobs. Herman Cain is Satan, played backwards.

9:27 - Rick Perry knows the people watching this debate on teevee are worried about health care! That is a brave assumption, that people are watching, Rick Perry!

9:30 - Herman Cain would choose terrible old pimp Alan Greenspan to run the Fed. Camera CUTS AWAY to Ron Paul, to catch a shot of him puking a little in his mouth.

9:32 - The weird black Satan semen-spew spots on the back wall behind Mitt Romney's close-up shot are starting to make us hallucinate.

9:35 - Michele Bachmann would repeal Dodd-Frank so that everyone can stop paying those $5 monthly checking fees to Bank of America and instead pay $5 trillion to Bank of America next time they fuck up.

9:37 - Journalist moderator lady: "Rick Perry, how do you respond to accusations that you are a corrupt asshole who farms out millions of dollars in state contracts to your donors?" Rick Perry: "We're proud of them. We feel like those are part of the reason that Texas has led the nation in the creation of jobs. That's the kind of leadership America is longing for."

9:40 - Nobel Prize-winning economist Newt Gingrich: "You've got to be able to afford a house in order to be able to buy one. That's where we've gone wrong in the last decade."

9:43 - Rick Perry says Barack Obama is killing jobs with the lowest-ever tax rates on corporations and millionaires in the history of the United States. So... raise taxes?

9:45 - Rick Santorum interrupts from the void of perpetual irrelevance to yell at America to get itself a job, by getting straight-married. That will solve everything!

9:49 - Now every candidate will tell their "99 percent" sob story to prove they understand Poverty, before advocating to kill the poor. Except Mitt Romney, who has eaten salads made from hundred-dollar bills since he was five.

9:51 - Rick Perry will eat thirty buckets of oil if Jesus will let him be president.

9:53 - GOD THESE SHAKY CAMERAS. Bloomberg, we know you have money, it is not that hard to buy a couple of tripods. We will mail them to you, because it is incredibly difficult to watch these debates MAKE YOU BARF even more than usual, from motion sickness.

9:54- THAT IS IT. This was the most boring debate ever, in the history of democracy since the Greeks or whoever invented public debate, probably it was the Druids, first. Good night, we need to go clean up the vomit!


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