Liveblogging the Rapture, Countdown To West Coast Apocalypse


Life'll kill ya!Life was kind of fun, here on Earth! Wasn't it? Not that much? Did we squander a pretty nice setup, here on this planet? Whoops. Oh well, maybe Jesus will forgive us, in space. Let's liveblog the nationwide roll-out of Death Quakes from California to the East Coast and everywhere in between. Alaska and Hawaii -- and, we suppose, "Guam" -- are already drowned by now. Oh wait, we're doing this backwards. It's 9 o'clock in DC right now! And while Alaska certainly deserves it, there are likely a few innocent people even up there. Maybe. Whoa the ground is feeling all rumbly and the birds have crummies in their tummies right here on the Pacific Coast!

5:58 PM -- No, that was just some asshole on an off-road motorcycle about a mile away. Saturdays in the desert. We'll go unload a shotgun on him, later. (Haha, not really. That would be violent. We just called the sheriff. They'll make the meth-arrest quota today for sure!)

5:59 PM -- The sky is a little hazy around Mt. San Gorgonio, but it's always like that at this time a day, with the diffused sunlight and a little ozone escaping from the Los Angeles metropolis. Earthquake weather!

6:00 PM -- Hmm.

6:12 PM -- You think maybe Allah doesn't know about Daylight Savings Time?

6:12 PM -- Daylight Savings Time is def. not in the Holy Bible.

6:13 PM -- So Arizona should happen right at 6 o'clock there, because Arizona doesn't celebrate Daylight Savings Time because Arizona is against Evolution.

6:13 PM -- Oh jesus, but now we can't remember if that means it should be 6 p.m. already in Arizona, or if it's in an hour. Why didn't we study Greek in college?!?!? Oh right, we did not go to college. This is why we're so challenged, educationally. Also time goes in the other direction, so Arizona is either falling into "the sea" right now or .... eh, who cares.

6:15 PM -- Uh oh, we just got an email from Sara Benincasa's iPhone and she's doing some blog lecture event on the same stage as Andrew Breitbart. So that's kind of proof the world is ending ... because Sara's going to shove Breitbart back down a toilet where he belongs.

6:17 PM -- If you're wondering where that woodcut of The Devil (aka Old Scratch, the Dark Woodsman, Davy Jones, El Diablo, Satan, Cheney, Mephistopheles, Voland, He Who Must Not Be Named, the Dark Lord of the Sith, Lucifier, and Old Hob) came from, it was found on another Wonkette End of the World post, back when the world was supposed to end on August 22, 2006. Good lord, we've been writing these same posts since 2006, right here on the Wonkette.

6:26 PM -- Interesting, that post mentioned above is one of the first times we called the Housing Collapse, 8/22/2006 Never Forget RIP Thug Life Forevah:

Existing home sales hit a 2-1/2-year low in the United States, while the number of unsold houses on the market hit a record high. This is actually horrifying. Excuse us, we have to call the real-estate lady about that “reduced price” idea.

6:27 PM -- Well, it's time to walk our dog, "Black Dog," aka Old Scratch, the Dark Woodsman, Davy Jones, El Diablo, Satan, Cheney, Mephistopheles, Voland, He Who Must Not Be Named, the Dark Lord of the Sith, Lucifier, and Old Hob. We will continue the apocalypse live blog Rapture Spectacular when we get back in an hour or so. Every part of America should be in the sea by then, except for "Guam," probably.

6:30 PM -- We are using the Pacific Time Zone, because it's "going to happen at 6 p.m. everywhere," plus it's so scary that way.

6:31 PM -- Oh wait, he totally gave his own prediction a "save," first we've heard of this: "In Camping's description of Judgment Day, the Earth would be wrenched in a great earthquake and many inhabitants would perish in the coming months, until the planet's total destruction on October 21." Gah, so a summer of bullshit awaits us, but maybe by Halloween all the Christians will have given up and found a better religion. May we suggest "Buddhism"?

8:32 PM -- Well, so much for the Rapture. Back to whatever we do on Saturday Nights in America! (Sit on the couch and lookit the teevee, probably?)

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'Bella" by Wonkette Operative 'IdiokraticSubpoenaKommissar'

Sunday already, which means a substantial portion of US America is preparing to be astonished/heartbroken/outraged by the series finale of that show with the dragons, while another portion is just going to stay off Twitter for three days because nothing will make any sense. Yr Dok Zoom tends to come very late to trendy things, so get ready for our own thoughts on the gamy thrones show sometime in about 2023, or never. But we'd be glad to tell you just how much we enjoy the brilliance and humanity of the Cartoon Network series "Steven Universe," which debuted in 2013 and we started bingeing on the Hulu last month, late again.

Hell, we still want to talk about that one Mrs Landingham episode of "The West Wing," which we first watched years after it aired (We finally bought our new used car yesterday, and know one thing: don't drive over to the White House to show it off to President Bartlet). We might even get around to reading Infinite Jest someday. We hear it has something to do with a superhero team and a guy named Thanos. So hey, let's talk about culture and missing out and patching together some knowledge of what's happening anyway.

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Get Me Roger Stone

Roger Stone, his wife would like you to know, is broke. And he is not dealing with it well. Once in khaki suits, gee, he looked swell, full of that yankee-doodle-dee-dum, but now no one calls him Al anymore and he has to stand on a street corner singing "Brother Can You Spare A Dime?"

Yesterday, the conservative but also kind of Never Trumper site The Bulwark revealed the details of a grifty "fundraising" plea sent out by Stone's wife Nydia, begging supporters to give money to the Stones in order to help them keep up the lifestyle to which they have become accustomed.

It was titled "I am embarrassed to write this."

"Dear Friend," begins the missive. "My husband and I have an urgent new problem and we need your help. I told my husband I was going to write you, one of his most valued supporters. I am embarrassed to write this, but I must."

"Mrs. Roger Stone" tells a tale of woe: FBI agents swooping in on them at the crack of dawn to arrest her husband, a subsequent "fake news" feeding frenzy causing friends and fans to abandon the Stones.

"He laid off all our consultants, contractors and employees, and we have 'pulled in our belts' like so many Americans in 'tight times,'" she wrote, sounding for all the world like a plucky working-class patriot, not the wife of a man who made and lost his fortune lying in the service of power.

She should have been more embarrassed.

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