Liveblogging Uncle Ted Stevens' Sad Farewell


Ted Stevens is 85 years old and has served in the United States Senate since Reconstruction. He now has to leave, because he lost his latest re-election bid to some warm-blooded mammal from Anchorage. Join us as he delivers a stirring rendition of "Non, je ne regrette rien" before committing seppuku with a whale tusk.

10:58 AM -- John Warner doing some of the old blah blah blah.

10:59 AM -- He claims he has only been in the Senate for 40 years. This is a lie. He joined the Senate shortly after Napoleon's defeat at Waterloo. He has fourteen million grandchildren and assorted relatives. "I dearly love each member of my family."

11:00 AM -- He reviews his many chairmanships and the many committees he has run. He used to be really powerful! What are the things on his tie? Are those polar bears?

11:01 AM -- Alaska used to be an impoverished territory. Now it is an impoverished state, in need of precious petro dollars. Question: How the hell did Ted Stevens start out in California and end up in Alaska? Was the weather too nice?

11:03 AM -- Ted Stevens invented Alaska so he could run it. That is the point.

11:04 AM -- Various acts and legislative blah blah blah regarding Alaskan statehood. This is boring. When will the rending of garments commence?

11:05 AM -- "My motto has been, 'To hell with politics!'" And now politics says, "To hell with Ted!"

11:06 AM -- God, he really is having a shitty year. He turned 85, he got convicted of seven felonies, and he got kicked off a gravy train he had been riding for 40 years. At least he has a nice house to go back to.

11:08 AM -- "I don't have a rear-view mirror." And he yields the floor for the last time.

11:09 AM -- Well, that was pretty goddamned dull, but nonetheless your editor, as is her obligation, got a little teary-eyed at the end there.

11:13 AM -- OK, here is the thing: He actually pulled this thing off with dignity. What is it with these politicians that they cannot conduct themselves with some modicum of class until their careers are basically over? For eight wonderful minutes Ted Stevens looked like a dignified old gentleman instead of a histrionic fraud, and wasn't that nice? Even Robert Byrd or whoever that is behind Harry Reid's shoulder cried.


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