Today's episode of "These Motherfuckers!" is brought to us by Rep. Jim Banks of Indiana's Third Congressional District. House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy tried to appoint this shit-stirring GOP stalwart to the January 6 Select Committee, but Speaker Nancy Pelosi said Banks and Rep. Jim Jordan were not welcome, TYVM, because they are vile treason weasels who supported the insurrectionists.

Well, she didn't put it like that, because Miss Nancy is a Fuck'n Lady, and don't you forget it. What she said was "I have spoken with him this morning about the objections raised about Representatives Jim Banks and Jim Jordan and the impact their appointments may have on the integrity of the investigation. I also informed him that I was prepared to appoint Representatives Rodney Davis, Kelly Armstrong, and Troy Nehls, and requested that he recommend two other Members."

But then McCarthy stomped off and said none of the five could serve, and then Pelosi named Reps. Liz Cheney and Adam Kinzinger, who manage to be hyperconservative without being vile traitors. So, hey presto, we got ourselves a bipartisan investigation.

Except, according to the rules Jim Banks just pulled out of his pasty ass, nuh uh no we don't, 'cuz see umm if you're appointed by a Democrat, then you don't count as a Republican or something.


"Liz Cheney isn't the Ranking Member. She is the vice-chair because she was appointed by Democrats," Banks's spokesperson told the Daily Beast. "This is the first Select Committee in American history that doesn't have a Ranking Member and is entirely partisan."

UH HUH.

Well, Rep. Banks appears to be confused a lot lately. Because yesterday, during the vote to hold Steve Bannon in contempt of Congress for failing to comply with the Select Committee's subpoena, Banks opened his broadside "against the Select Committee's dangerous abuse of Congress's oversight authority" with an admission that he is not, in fact, a member of the Select Committee.

Madam Speaker, three months ago, for the first time in the history of Congress, Speaker Pelosi vetoed Jim Jordan and me from serving on the Select Committee to Investigate the January 6th Attack on the United States Capitol. Not all firsts are worth celebrating. It was a shameful and divisive decision with real consequences. Today, because of that decision, there is no committee conducting a legitimate investigation into January 6.

At which point Liz Cheney whipped out this letter addressed to Interior Secretary Deb Haaland.

Here it is all typed out for you:

Dear Secretary Haaland,

You are receiving this letter because the House of Representatives Select Committee to Investigate the events of January 6th may have sent you a request for information. The House Republican Leader Kevin McCarthy appointed me to serve as the Ranking Member of the Select Committee. Yet, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi refused to allow me to fulfill my duties as Ranking Member. Pursuant to the rules of the House of Representatives, the minority party in Congress retains rights to the same information that is provided to the majority party. For those reasons, I ask that you provide me any information that is submitted to the Select Committee. Additionally, please include me on any update or briefing that you provide. If you have questions, please do not hesitate to contact my staff.

Sincerely,
Jim Banks
Ranking Member

We can think of lots of things to call Jim Banks. But Ranking Member of the House Select Committee ain't one of them, and Liz Cheney was having none of that shit, either.

"Madam Speaker, I wanted to correct the Record," she began acidly.

"The gentleman from Indiana asserted that the FBI has found there was no coordination," she continued. "That is just simply not true. The gentleman also said that he is not on the committee. He noted that the Speaker had determined that he wouldn't be on the committee. Madam Speaker, I have a number of letters the gentleman from Indiana has been sending to federal agencies, and I include in the record one dated September 16, 2021, for example, signing his name as the ranking member of the committee he has just informed the House he is not on and that, in fact, he is not on."

Indeed, the Daily Beast reports that Banks has sent multiple such letters demanding access to any information provided to the Select Committee referring to himself as the "Ranking Member" and making spurious reference to the minority's right of access, despite the fact that Liz Cheney, a Republican, has been appointed Vice Chair of the Committee and gets to see all the committee materials.

In summary and in conclusion, Jim Banks may want to dress up as the Ranking Member of the Select Committee for Halloween and go trick or treating at the various executive agencies hoping for a sack of goodies, but all this 42-year-old weirdo is getting is Liz Cheney's sensible pumps stuck up his ass.

[Daily Beast / Congressional Record]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.

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