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Greetings, sports fans. Here's your update about sports teams in the great District of Columbia. Even though the Caps suffered a crushing defeat and everyone was sad, all is not lost on the DC sports front. The District still has two other mediocre sports teams you can watch all summer long: The Washington Nationals, our belovedly bad baseball team that, as of press time, is above .500 (we know!) and DC United, our soccer team, which sometimes manages to get the ball into other team's net.


Look: Nats fans! See how they are not in their seats, but standing and cheering for the home team? And because everyone's expectations of the Nats are so low, Nats games are cheap! Tickets for decent seats are as cheap as $5 and, if one were to sneak into a more expensive section, which is rather easy to do, one may not be reprimanded for doing so. They WILL throw your ass out if you even think about putting your feet up.

Yes, that man is wearing a peanut as an earring. Nats fans are creative? Strange? Sexy? We report, you decide!

Nats Park is full of delicious dining options, including Ben's Chili Bowl, Gifford's Ice Cream, Five Guys, Flippin' Pizza, and Senators Sausage, which is possibly the worst use of alliteration ever. [You mean "most accurate." -- Ed.]

Soccer, favored sport of the Obama children because it's not popular among Real Americans, is another sport you can watch on a hot summer night. Is DC United good? No, not really. Not at all, in fact. But, the fans are great, it's always fun to watch a game live, and you can tailgate and watch the game intoxicated, which makes their inevitable loss that much more more enjoyable. Tickets range from $35-$70. They also have special discounted theme nights including the possibly pornographic "college night," when tickets are only $15.

Note how both stadiums are empty because, well, both teams suck and everyone has a real home team to care about. So while you may not have any reason at all to cheer on either team, watching the Nats or DC United lose while enjoying delicious food and expensive beer is a fun way to pass a summer day.

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It's the night before the two-night Democratic primary debate extravaganza, and we're already tired. Turns out having 20 candidates spread across two nights when only six or eight of them matter is not the must-see TV we all thought it was going to be! But that's not to dissuade you from getting excited! We're excited! We're so excited! We're so ...

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SCARED!

In case you need a reminder, here is how it's going to go down:

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Lately he's been blowing smoke from another orifice.

After a cursory examination of the TWELVE filings in the case against California Congressman Duncan Hunter just in the past 24 hours, we can confidently declare that that guy is a fucking idiot. The prosecutors have him by every last one of his short and curlies -- which is what happens when you use your campaign credit card to pay for hundreds of thousands of dollars of ski trips, video games, tuition, and plane tickets for the family rabbit.

A rational human being would have pleaded down a year ago and given up his congressional seat, since he could cash out and make a lot more money as a lobbyist anyway. But not Duncan Hunter! He made the federal government chase him down and document every last carton of cigarettes, round of tequila, and Uber ride of shame home from his many girlfriends' houses in a 60-count indictment filed last August. And still this dumb sumbitch refused to admit he was caught, even after his lovely wife (and co-conspirator) Margaret Hunter flipped on him this month -- which is what happens when you use your campaign credit card to carry on multiple affairs and you piss off the US Attorneys enough that they put every 7 a.m. Uber ride in your indictment.

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