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coronavirus

GOP Missouri Gov. Will Protect Your God-Given Right To Shoot At Coronavirus, With Your Hidden Penis-Gun!

He's not gonna make you stay at home either.

Wonkette is taking a "Get To Know A Stupid Dumbass GOP Governor" tour of America this week!

Today, let's visit with Missouri Governor Mike Parson, who just does not think he should tell the state's residents to stay at home and try not to die of coronavirus:

Republican Gov. Mike Parson said he was not inclined to "make a blanket policy," adding, "It's going to come down to individual responsibilities."

Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and take some individual responsibility! What, you cannot do the bootstraps thing because you are coughing too hard of coronavirus? Oh well, hopefully some healing will trickle down upon you! Mike Parson does not fuckin' care.

The Missouri State Medical Association has been pleading with Parson for a statewide stay-at-home order. The pediatricians have been pleading. The nurses have been pleading. The mayors of the large cities have been pleading. But no dice yet. (They're reviewin' it, though! Maybe he will announce one late this afternoon at his briefing?)

On Thursday, Governor Parson did issue an executive order related to coronavirus. He just wanted to make sure that if your concealed-carry permit expires during this harrowing time, you will not get a fine for failing to renew it in a timely manner.

And people say GOP governors ain't on top of this!

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coronavirus

Ammon Bundy Doesn't Find Any 'Rona In HIS US Constitution

Did the Founding Fathers believe in germ theory? THEY DID NOT.

Ammon Bundy, leader of the Y'all Qaeda militia that took over the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge in 2016 to preserve liberty and get lots of attention for fringe radical groups that want to overthrow the government, just wants you all to know that there is no "public health" in the US Constitution, just as there is no "public land," either. That's why last week Bundy held a "town hall" in a commercial building he owns in Emmett, Idaho, to announce that Idaho Gov. Brad Little's stay-at-home order was unconstitutional and very bad. And because it's Ammon Bundy, you know damn well he promised to get the ol' Vanilla ISIS dildo militia together again and lead an armed resistance to defend anyone who wanted to defy the order, too. But that would only be if the government forced him to, by doing something he didn't like.

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Education

How's Your Kid's Online Schooling Going? Well, You're Reading This So You Have Internet

Harris, Warren, Sanders, Biden agree: INTERNET FOR THE PEOPLE.

When schools were closed because of the coronavirus outbreak, the big question was how is our students learning? Most schools moved to online “distance learning," which is most effective if you're actually online. Roughly 39 percent of rural Americans can't access internet at speeds faster than a caged hamster running on a wheel, and lower-income Americans regardless of location are less likely to have internet access because the shit's expensive. The average cost of broadband internet is $60 a month. Teachers across the country are setting up Zoom meetings, and many students live in homes where the sole internet access is a pre-paid cell phone whose data limit is a single YouTube video.

The $2 trillion stimulus package doesn't address this. Democrats proposed $2 billion to help expand online access, but Senate Republicans weren't about to pay for anyone's free porn. Educators are trying to fill the gap. They're delivering quarantined take-home work and setting up mobile wi-fi hot spots. Corporations are even being less Grinchy: Google has offered free wi-fi to 100,000 families in rural California through the end of the school year, as well as 4,000 Chromebook laptops for students.

Like almost everything else connected to this pandemic, America is behind the curve. Distance learning was a reasonable contingency plan for when students can't safely access their school buildings, but the plan must meet the needs of all students and not just depend upon the kindness of corporations.

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economics

Trump Makes History! Ten Million New Lucky Duckies In Just Two Weeks

We're all going to work for Jeff Bezos now.

The Labor Department announced Thursday that more than 6.6 million people applied for unemployment benefits last week. That brings the two-week total to almost 10 million. It's a stunning, heart-stopping, stomach-churning, unprecedented number. Prior to the coronavirus shutdowns, the worst week for unemployment filings was 695,000 in 1982. The outbreak has erased more jobs than the grimmest months of the Great Recession.

The economic damage is spreading as quickly and viciously as the virus itself. Tourism, hospitality, theaters, and restaurants were the first to get hit, but now other industries, some of which normally weather economic downturns, are feeling the pain. Loss of revenue has caused so-called “white collar" employers to lay off workers at law firms and tech start-ups.

From the New York Times:

"People are being way too sanguine about a lot of the white-collar industries," said Martha Gimbel, an economist and labor market expert at Schmidt Futures, a philanthropic initiative. "This thing is going to come for us all."
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coronavirus

GAME CHANGER: Georgia Gov. Brian Kemp Just Found Out Coronavirus, Like, Real Contagious, Y'all

There is slow on the uptake, and then there is Brian Kemp.

Well by God, sounds like a couple of southern GOP governors found Christ yesterday. Mississippi Governor Tater Tater Tater Tater Tater, after struggling mightily with the issue, waited until the very last minute possible and handed down a statewide stay-at-home order. Florida Governor Ron DeSantis did the same, finally, because Donald Trump gave him the order, finally, as he runs the state where the coronavirus pandemic is in the process of exploding (the current confirmed cases are 7,773). Don't worry, DeSantis made an exemption allowing Floridians to get coronavirus at church, as is their religious freedom. Texas Governor Greg Abbott made the same exemption.

(And some Democratic governors have done so too, though each state's framework is different. Some of those Democratic governors went early, though, and might want to think about amending their orders. The cool thing about God is that you don't have to go to church to see Him, as He is always riding on your back, according to the famous "Footprints" poem, isn't that the coolest thing ABOUT GOD?)

Georgia GOP Governor Brian Kemp has found Jesus as well, in a state where the number of confirmed cases is set to cross 5,000, over 150 have already died, and outbreaks are happening all over, especially in rural areas. As the Atlanta Journal-Constitution reports, those numbers are way behind the real numbers, and they're not just talking about how America's testing regime is a fucking joke and nobody knows how many millions of people have been exposed at this point.

What changed Kemp's mind? Oh, well, what happened was, it was the darnedest thing, but there was a GAME CHANGER! If you live in Georgia, you are going to be so glad Kemp almost certainly stole that election from Stacey Abrams when he was the secretary of state overseeing his own gubernatorial election, because would Stacey Abrams even have known what to do with this GAME CHANGER?

Kemp explained during a press conference on Wednesday announcing his stay-at-home order:

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Vote suppression

Wisconsin GOP Protects Election By Forcing In-Person Voting During Pandemic

THIS is why Nancy Pelosi wanted vote-by-mail in the coronavirus recovery bill.

"The things they had in there were crazy. They had things, levels of voting that if you'd ever agreed to it, you'd never have a Republican elected in this country again," Donald Trump complained to Sean Hannity about Democrats' proposals to ensure voter access in the coronavirus stimulus bill. Just saying the quiet part out loud about Republican vote suppression, as is his habit. HURR DURR, blarped the MAGAts in unison, LOOKIT CRAZY NANCY LARDIN' THE BILL UP WITH DEMOCRAT PORK.

Well ... meet Wisconsin, AKA Exhibit A in the "WUT DOES VOTIN' HAVE TO DO WITH THE 'RONA?" derpsplainer. Thanks to the indefatigable Ben Wikler, chair of the Democratic Party of Wisconsin, who tweeted out all the good links.

It started back in 2018, when Democrat Tony Evers beat then-GOP Governor Scott Walker in the November election, and the gerrymandered Wisconsin legislature raced to enact a bunch of laws during the lame duck session to curtail Evers's powers. Because, like Trump, the Wisconsin GOP knows that when people vote, they lose.

Wisconsin's primary is scheduled for next Tuesday, April 7, and while the presidential primaries are more or less a foregone conclusion, they're not the most important issue on the Wisconsin ballot. Control of the state's highest court is at stake, with Dane County Judge Jill Karofsky, a progressive champion of domestic violence victims, vying to unseat Wisconsin Supreme Court Justice Daniel Kelly, a Republican hatchet man.

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coronavirus

Not Even God Should Shop At Hobby Lobby After It Reopens Stores During Shutdowns

ARREST HOBBY LOBBY.

The Hobby Lobby is defying stay-at-home orders because presumably God wants people to die for arts and crafts supplies. How else are Americans going to make party favors for all the parties they can't have? The oh-so-Christian retailer is “quietly reopening" stores across the country, including in Kansas, Ohio and Wisconsin, whose governors have ordered residents to shelter-in-place. These orders close all businesses except for those that provide “essential services." Hobby Lobby does not provide “essential services."

Despite literally having the word “hobby" in its name, Hobby Lobby has tried to rebrand itself as an “essential" business. A hastily made sign on the window of one store claimed it's now operating as an essential business because it sells “PPE masks, educational supplies, office supplies, and various components for at-home small businesses." That's absurd. Bars and restaurants offer food, which is essential, but they're all closed except for takeout and delivery.

Hobby Lobby is not an actual grocery, pharmacy, or hardware store. There's no gray area here, and billionaire owner David Green is choosing to endanger his employees, and the communities they live and work in, in service of his bank balance. How evangelical!

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coronavirus

Lucky Ducky Las Vegas Homeless People Sleeping Tight In Very Fine Parking Lot

What are these 'hotels' of which you speak?

For some reason, people seem to think there's something outrageous about images of homeless people sleeping on bare concrete in a Las Vegas convention center parking lot, even though city and county officials insisted they were doing the very best they could. The temporary outdoor "shelter" in the parking lot of the Cashman Center was opened Saturday following the closure of a 500-bed shelter run by Catholic Charities when one of the people staying there tested positive for coronavirus. Photos of the parking lot, painted with a grid of sleeping spaces to maintain social distancing, prompted reactions like this, from former presidential candidate and Obama HUD Secretary Julián Castro, who knows a thing or two about housing:

Castro noted,

There are 150K hotel rooms in Vegas going unused right now. How about public-private cooperation (resources) to temporarily house them there? And fund permanent housing!

That, however, would be socialism, and really those people just won't do anything to help themselves, according to several experts on homelessness in the Twitter replies.

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coronavirus

You Need To Hear How President Mouth-Idiot Talks To Governors About Coronavirus

How monumentally fucked are we? Let's go to the tape!

We know a few things about Donald Trump's bunglefucked response to the novel coronavirus. For example, we know he's been extorting governors the same way he extorted the president of Ukraine, except instead of his "favor, though" being that he needs them to help him beat Joe Biden in November, he's demanding praise and nut-fondling. (To be fair, we don't know that he isn't hitting them up for fake oppo on Biden.)

But there have been times when things have been reported about the Trump response to coronavirus, and if you like Trump, you might think the FakeStream Media is laming all over him, like when it was reported a few weeks back (few months? few decades?) that on a call with the governors, Trump told them that if they need ventilators and PPE, they should "try getting it yourselves." In that case, knowing Trump's tone and (botched) manner of speaking so well, we were willing to believe maybe he was saying that if the governors could have an easier time than the federal government, then they should do it themselves. And the recording did indeed bear that out. Well, except that the federal government was actually bidding against them.

Oh yeah, and he appears to be telling vendors not to send states supplies if their governors have not adequately kissed his extremely gross butt.

It helps to hear recordings of Trump doing his Art Of The Deal-ing, we think. And CBS News last night released a new leaked recording of a call that happened with the governors on Monday. You should listen to it, so you can feel what America's governors feel in their souls when they deal with the stupidest, most incompetent, most impervious-to-new-or-old-information national leader who has ever walked God's green earth. In the middle of a global pandemic, no less!

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fox news

Fox News Agrees That Trump Has Always Been At War With The Coronavirus

Fox doesn’t remember ever telling its viewers the coronavirus was a big hoax.

Donald Trump is almost, sorta taking the coronavirus pandemic seriously. He's no longer planning a grand opening of the economy for Easter, followed by a grand closing of most people's lives. That means Fox News, which exists to serve the president, has started recognizing reality from a distance of at least six feet.

Trump phoned in to his "Fox & Friends" this morning, and he sang the praises of social distances. He once feared the “cure" was worse than the “disease" — a line of gibberish fed to him by Fox host Steve Hilton, who now wants to see just how full our hospitals really are. Maybe all the sick and dying in New York are a big David Copperfield illusion.

Hilton's still an idiot, but Trump's a changed man. He even has children's letters to Santa Claus that reveal how families are coming together while under house arrest.

TRUMP: I'm getting letters from people that, “I found my family again.’"They were doing all sorts of things & now they're with their family in the home and not going out ... we're getting a lot of letters. "We found our family again. We found what life should be."

Yes, hiding away in our homes from a deadly plague is what life should be if our lives were Edgar Allan Poe stories. Thank you, Mr. President, for your criminally negligent response to the coronavirus! My son and I have never been closer than during our current hair-growing contest.

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coronavirus

Nice Time (ON OPPOSITE DAY) Coronavirus Quick Bites For March 30, 2020

These are really not nice times.

Last week, we told you how Hobby Lobby's leadership had a conference call with God, who informed them that everyone should keep working during the coronavirus pandemic because He had their back. Unfortunately, God isn't an infectious disease expert. The Oklahoma-based crafts store shut down its stores in the state finally after Gov. Kevin Stitt closed non-essential businesses. It wasn't long before the oh-so-Christian organization started firing employees via email. Hobby Lobby founder and CEO David Green is worth little morally but his bank balance is estimated in the billions. Couldn't he float payroll for a while? That's what Jesus would do, but his broke ass didn't know the first thing about business.

Employees not outright fired will have their pay reduced between 10 and 25 percent for the next two weeks. Afterward, they get to burn through their accrued personal and vacation days. Hobby Lobby's hourly employees earn 48 hours of personal time a year and salaried employees receive 48 hours of paid sick leave. Facebook is more generous, and Mark Zuckerberg doesn't show off his personal hickeys from God.


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Trump

Nancy Pelosi Said What She Said: Trump Is Getting People Killed

But the ratings on his presidential snuff film are higher than ever!

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi read Donald Trump for filth again during an interview on CNN's "State of the Union" Sunday. Pelosi told host Jake Tapper straight up that Trump's bungling response to the coronavirus pandemic cost Americans their lives.

PELOSI: The president -- his denial at the beginning was deadly. His delaying of getting equipment to where it's needed is deadly ... I don't know what the scientists said to him: When did this president know about this and what did he know? That's for an after-action review. But as the president fiddles, people are dying.

Yep, you heard her. She’s gonna IMPEACH again, like she did last year. (Although, she’s probably more focused on keeping us all alive right now.) Pelosi had no problem laying the blame for the escalating loss of life at Trump's doorstep.

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coronavirus

Florida Gov. DeSantis Really Mad New York Gave His State Coronavirus

Scapegoating ain’t leadership.

Ron DeSantis looks like the bumbling governor Leslie Nielsen might've played in a comedy, but he's managed the coronavirus outbreak in Florida far less seriously. He wouldn't close public beaches even as horny spring breakers flocked to them, so local officials had to step up. DeSantis has issued executive orders limiting face-to-face interaction and encouraged Floridians to practice “social distancing," but he's yet to issue a “stay-at-home" order, despite the requests of health care workers. Like Texas Gov. Greg Abbott, DeSantis has left imposing restrictive policies to local communities because Florida is just so big. It's unclear why he thinks Florida has a governor in the first place.

Coronavirus cases in Florida are growing at an exponential rate, and experts believe the virus is past the point of containment. DeSantis should look upon his works and despair, but instead he's casting blame at the usual conservative targets. He's blaming New York. Donald Trump proposed an (illegal) federal quarantine of New York, New Jersey, and Connecticut, which Andrew Cuomo likened to "declaring war" against these states. DeSantis jumped on the scapegoat bandwagon.

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coronavirus

Lord Bless And Keep New Orleans As A New Storm Comes

And of course, Laissez les bon temps rouler. Someday soon, hopefully.

There is something that happens to me every time I cross the state line from Mississippi into Louisiana on Interstate 55, or more accurately, a few minutes later, as I pass through the towns of Hammond and then Manchac, where I see Middendorf's, one of the best seafood joints anywhere, off the highway to the left. Right there begins The Bridge, which you only understand if you've crossed it. From there, you've got 42 miles to New Orleans, and it's about the last time you'll see dry land until you get there, as you roll through swampland along the edge of Lake Pontchartrain. It doesn't matter whether it's daytime, late at night, or, as is most often the case, dusk. It doesn't matter if I'm the only one in the car or, as is most often the case, I'm in a car full of joyful people.

Something in my body, in my soul, just exhales, like I've been holding my breath since the last time I was on that bridge. It's a physical and spiritual reaction. Though I've never actually lived in the city of New Orleans — I dream of one day being able to, at least part-time — there is something about that city and that region that just whispers, "You're OK now. You're here." (There are bits of evidence in our family tree that maybe there is a deeper connection with the city running through our genes, if you believe in that sort of thing.)

Cafe Du Monde, Decatur Street, French Quarter, New Orleans… | Flickr live.staticflickr.com

New Orleans, as you might have heard, is fast becoming a frightening new epicenter for coronavirus in the United States. New Orleans, a city that's been through disaster too many times before, and that still bears the scars of Hurricane Katrina in 2005.

According to the Johns Hopkins map, there are 1,170 confirmed cases in Orleans Parish, but we're sure that number is already expired. In the New Orleans metro area, it's getting close to double that. New Orleans is experiencing the fastest growth in the world, and the highest number of deaths per capita, in a city where 24 percent of the residents are below the official poverty level and many are homeless.

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White Nonsense

Matt Gaetz Pissed That COVID-19 Bill Gives $13 Million In Obama Phones To Black People University

Keep blowing that dog whistle, congressman.

Rep. Matt Gaetz of Florida was miffed that Howard University, a known university for black people, got some scratch in the Senate's coronavirus recovery bill. He lamented this pork parade on Twitter Wednesday.

Twitter

Gaetz concedes that “education is important," but Howard isn't worthy of coronavirus relief — certainly not $13 million big ones! Why, that money could house the houseless and feed the foodless. Howard is a historically black college, and Gaetz was probably worried that real American taxpayer money would be wasted on advanced Black Panther studies. Sen. Kamala Harris graduated from Howard in 1986, when we were free to gather in crowds. She pointed out that the "bill provides $30 billion to protect students and help schools, colleges and universities combat the coronavirus." She then dropped some of that math they teach us at black colleges when we're not learning how to properly season chicken.

HARRIS: This is $13 million. $13 million = .04% of $30 billion. Why do you take issue with money going to Howard, Congressman?

Just like that, Harris has put Congressman Florida Man on trial. Gaetz should've just broken down on the stand and confessed or tried to take a plea, but instead, he doubled down and insisted Howard received a “carve out" that other institutions didn't. This is when it got embarrassing and people had to explain to a US House representative that Howard has a hospital that's a 300-bed, level 1 trauma center, which is now a COVID-19 treatment facility in Washington DC, just a couple miles from where Gaetz allegedly works.

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coronavirus

Trump Won’t Say MI Gov. Gretchen Whitmer’s Name Because He’s A Sexist Sack Of S**t

On the other hand, no name is probably better than ‘Pocahontas’ or ‘Horseface.'

Donald Trump received a long-distance tongue bath from Sean Hannity Thursday night, during which he expressed his contempt for all the governors who keep wanting him to do stuff, like it's his job to care about Americans. He went off on them like they were spoiled college kids asking their parents for more money.

TRUMP: When you talk about ventilators, that's like buying a car! It's an expensive, very intricate piece of equipment ... heavily computerized and good ones are very, very expensive. And Gov. [Andrew] Cuomo and others, they say, “We want 30,000 of them." 30,000! Think about this. You go to a hospital. They have one in a hospital.

That was before the coronavirus, you stupid fucking moron! This virus is turning people's lungs into jelly. Hospitals need more ventilators or patients will die. New York hospitals have already resorted to sharing ventilators.

TRUMP: Now, all of sudden, everyone's asking for these vast numbers ... But remember, we're really the second line of attack. The first line of attack is supposed to be the hospitals and local government and the states. We have people like Gov. [Jay] Inslee, he should be doing more. He shouldn't be relying on the federal government. Gov. Inslee, that's the state of Washington. He was a failed presidential candidate. He's always complaining.

And your governor of Michigan! She's not stepping up. I don't know if she knows what's going on, but all she does is sit there and blame the federal government. She doesn't get it done, and we send her a lot.

He couldn't even bother to say her name. Gov. Gretchen Whitmer introduced herself to the so-called president on Twitter. Dig the “wave" emoji.

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