During yesterday's National Day of the Census -- do you remember? did you get good presents? -- we wondered why so many people (including your editors)didn't get a census form. How are we supposed to report the eleventeen Mexican-Thai sex slaves living in our basement, so the Government can provide VD clinics for them within walking distance? And how will Obama know where to find us, when it's time to go to the FEMA "Sandals resort" in West Texas? Today, for the first and possibly last time, a Wonkette letter-writer offers some useful information in the form of a plausible explanation of the Problem! You might learn how to get more Socialisms near your hobo tent, if you know what we mean!
To: tips@wonkette.comDate: Thu, Apr 1, 2010 at 6:02 PM
Subject: Happy census day, the St. Patrick's Day of wonkophiles ...
Meaning, I'm already drunk!
Blame your local Complete Count Committee (COMMIES). It's the responsibility of these committees, usually with municipal and county staffers involved, to review and, if necessary, challenge the validity of the U.S. Census Bureau's address list.
There were whole sections of my town missing from the Census' original address list. If those savvy mofos in city hall hadn't corrected them, the count in my town would have been totally off (it's estimated that my county was undercounted by 32 percent in 2000). Another case where this often happens is with university towns. In 2000, census workers responsible for counting those idiots in the dormitories went to the local University's web-listed address instead of the actual dorms. So instead of finding about 3,000 students, they found about 25 old people (administration), said "eff-this" and left.
Also! Every person not counted means that the municipality and county governments (along with other organizations such as public health, jobs services, etc.) lose out on $823 in federal grants and funding. So tell the dude with two forms to send them both back. It's free munnies for more Mexican beer. -- "PCB."
Well, that felt good, didn't it? But, frankly, that's no way to end a Wonkette Email of the Day. So here's another one to "cleanse the palate," with a half-wit 'n shit sorbet:
From: matthewh___@rcn.comTo: tips@wonkette.com
Date: Thu, Apr 1, 2010 at 8:03 PM
Subject: Vile Hate Site Found
Dear Wonkette,
You won't believe what some nasty little white people are up to. I found a site with a vile, homophobic obscenity in big letters at the top of the home page. And they have a whole page where everyone can get their misogynistic tendencies out. In fact, any kind of puerile name-calling seems to be the order of the day there. Except the page with obsequious devotion to their leader, a guy so dumb he thinks there are 57 states and Austrian is a language. Yet they have the gall to call others "retards!" I guess it takes one to know one.
Check it out: http://wonkette.com/
Oh man can't wait to check this out, sounds so awesome .... WAIT ... that's ... jeez it looks familiar ... OH MAN SO P0WNAG3D, that's our site. Oh man, feel so low now. Jeez, not cool bro, not cool. Especially the "homophobic obscenity." [Shudder.]
