LOL Hillary Clinton Might Win Missouri
Show us how much you love Hillary, Missouri!
How many states is it now that Hillary Clinton is going to pull an upset and beat Donald Trump in, because he sucks and she is a badass, but mostly because he sucks THAT BAD? Are we up to 57 yet? Let's find out where we are in our series! We have done the states of Georgia, Arizona, Texas, Utah and also "The South," because really everybody hates Donald Trump and his little weenie hands so much, he might lose overall in "The South."
Today, we travel to a state that is half in the Midwest, half in the South, called "Missouri"! (If you doubt that half of Missouri is in the South, we invite you to take your fanny pack ass to Branson and Poplar Bluff for a week then tell us where the fuck the lower half of Missouri is.) A new poll is out showing Hillary trailing Trump by one measly, weak, puny, sad point. In other words, they are basically tied:
A Monmouth University survey released on Tuesday found Trump, the GOP nominee, taking 44 percent support over Democratic rival Clinton at 43 percent. Libertarian Party presidential nominee Gary Johnson has 8 percent and 5 percent are undecided.
Dude. Gary Johnson, get your heinie to Missouri and peel off some libertarians, you can DO THIS!
Do you know how great this is? The last time a Demon-crat won the "Show Me Your Balls" state or whatever it is called, it was Hillary Clinton's husband Slick Willie, and that was TWENTY YEARS AGO. The Hill points out that in 2008, John McCain BARELY squeaked out a win, but other than that, y'all, Missouri's pretty dang red these days, and getting redder. Mittens Car Elevator Romney won the state by TEN POINTS in 2012.
The Missouri legislature is full of GOP dicksnots (pervy sexting ones at that!) who pass awful legislation like personhood bills, and Not-Our-Favorite Senator Claire McCaskill (D-Sort Of) holds on to her seat basically because she votes like a centrist moderate Republican a lot of the time. Oh, and last time she was up for re-election, she was up against Todd "Ladyparts Expert" Akin.
But yet Hillary might win it. Guess she better take her ass down to St. Louis and rile up the locals, so they can make her the president of Missouri! That is, if she's not too sickly and frail from opening that pickle jar on "Jimmy Kimmel Live" on Monday night.