LOL Hillary Clinton Might Win Texas, Probably Not But Still LOL
It's time for another edition in our new favorite series "LOL Hillary Might Win X"! Where are we today? Vanuatu? No, silly, that is not an American state! Are we in France? Yes, dumb dumbs, we are in France right now, strolling down the Champs-Élysées and eating some pastries. Just kidding again, because France is not an American state (YET). No, loves, we are in Texas. (Texas!) Now, to be clear, we are not about to tell you a poll where Hillary is actually WINNING Texas. First of all, because that doesn't exist, and also because we checked the Zip app, which is the real gold standard of polling, and it didn't tell us nothin' about Hillary winning Texas.
But there is a new poll out that shows Trump up by ONLY SIX POINTS in Texas. For context, Mittens The Romney beat Barry Bamz by 16 points there in 2012, and WALNUTS! beat Bamz by 12 points. And yet:
PPP's new Texas poll finds a relatively tight race, at least on the curve of recent Presidential election results in the state. Donald Trump leads with 44% to 38% for Hillary Clinton, 6% for Gary Johnson, 2% for Jill Stein, and less than half a percent (0) for Evan McMullin. In a head to head contest Trump leads Clinton 50-44 in the state, which Mitt Romney won by 16 points in 2012.
Tough break, EVAN. And also tough break, GARY and JILL. But holy dang wow, six points! For a deeper understanding of what the hell is going on down in Texas, Public Policy Polling says the main thing keeping Trump afloat there is old people. That's right, while Hillz leads Trump by a wide margin among dead voters -- #jokes -- he's beating her among the #DeadSoon population:
Trump's lead is based entirely on his holding a 63-33 advantage among seniors. With voters under 65, Clinton leads him 49-45. And when you look just specifically at voters under 45, Clinton leads Trump 60-35.
Yes, that is right, Texas is going to become a blue state. Probably not this year, and maybe not for a few more election cycles, but SOMETIME. Or maybe it will be this year, because Trump sucks that bad, and even with Hillary's unfavorables -- 59% in the state, apparently -- she will squeak out a win. You'll remember that Hillary was interviewed on the campaign trail and asked what kinds of fun new states she might win due to how Trump sucks shriveled badger wieners, and her eyes got REAL BIG when she said, "Texas!"
So which states do you think Trump puts in play? I asked, mentioning the possibility of Georgia, which
some think could go Democratic for the first time since her husband won it in 1992.
“Texas!” she exclaimed, eyes wide, as if daring me to question this, which I did. “You are not going to win Texas,” I said. She smiled, undaunted. “If black and Latino voters come out and vote, we could win Texas,” she told me firmly, practically licking her lips.
Such a lip-licker, that Hillary Clinton! But according to this poll, Hillary might be able to lick all of her lips she wants, because those minority voters are a big part of why she's doing so well down there in Texas:
Trump has a 69/25 lead with white voters but the reason the state's so competitive overall is that among non-white voters Clinton has a 73-21 lead, including a 68-27 edge with the state's booming Hispanic population.
Now, you might be worried, with all these sane Hillary voters cropping up, whether Trump supporters in Texas are still dumb as dog titties. YES, they are, because the poll finds that literally 40% of them think ACORN -- ACORN! -- is going to steal the election for Hillary. ACORN! For the record, ACORN (!!!) stopped being a thing in 2010, but that's what "they" want you to believe, probably. Another 20% of Trump supporters aren't quite sure whether ACORN -- not the nut, but the association of community organizations that DOESN'T EXIST -- is going to steal the election, but maybe it will, you don't know. ACORN!
The point is that Hillary is going to win Texas, because why the fuck not, it's 2016 and there are no rules anymore. Unless she doesn't. BUT MAYBE, and it will all be because of ACORN, thanks ACORN!