Poor, pitiful Rudy Giuliani! He is all alone, nobody in Congress wants to even talk to him, everybody is running around saying "Oh, John Bolton!" and drawing names in hats to see who wants to be their partner on the great and spooky roller coaster of John Bolton's mustache (you go two at a time for balance, must be this tall to ride). Even some Republicans are saying maybe they want to play with John Bolton's "manuscript" in a "SCIF," whatever that means, probably somethin' REAL perverted.

The New York Daily News reports on Rudy's loneliness, the kind we guess would have him swiping right on Tinder desperately looking for somebody who wants him to testify, if he hadn't locked himself out of his phone. Allegedly. :(

"They have indicated in every way possible they are afraid of my physical presence," Giuliani told the Daily News as part of a string of overnight texts. "They know I know what they are covering up. Why do they want Bolton if not me if they can prove their lies. Again I really should stop wasting my time."

By "they" he means Democrats, and you betcha, that is definitely what that are indicating. Fear. They just can't handle Rudy. That's it. They would be begging for Rudy Giuliani to envelop them in his warm ... his warm ... whatever this is:


If only they weren't so frightened.

Rudy should just stop wasting his time, he says, if the Democrats won't respond to his sensuous calls. He is standing outside their window with a jambox, for God's sake! Rudy has bought those flowers Adam Schiff likes and those chocolates Chuck Schumer likes, and, well, like a common Dershowitz, he ain't got no panties on.

Allegedly. :(

It's not that Adam Schiff didn't subpoena Giuliani back in the day. The Daily News reports that Schiff even responded to this story about Rudy Lonelyhearts standing in a puddle of his own tears and saying FINE! I DON'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE, AND I DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO GO TO THE PROM by just sending a copy of the subpoena he sent Giuliani ages ago.

But Roodles The Poodle says things were different then from how they are now:

"If they wanted to subpoena me they would have to serve a subpoena in personem not a subpoena ducus tecum," he said, using Latin legalese. "Do you understand? I'd be impressed?"

Rudy remembers some Latin from his first year of law school, you guys. You probably don't even know what those words mean, and also he is not going to answer the phone if you call, because he's BUSY BEING OVER YOU, ADAM SCHIFF.

Fine. Whatever. Rudy has been through rejection before. Who cares if America's Congress doesn't want Rudy? Rudy has all these other hotter more corrupter friends in Ukraine and they want Rudy, they love Rudy, they say "Oh Rudy-With-No-Panties-On, come to Viktor and Sergei so they can whisper you sweet lies about Joe Biden!" And Rudy dost goeth unto the corrupt Ukrainians and that's why he's not home right now.

On Monday, one of Trump's idiot lawyers, Jane Raskin, was very mean to Rudy Giuliani. She did a whole presentation on how he, the president's personal lawyer who it would appear led the president's entire Ukraine scheme, was just a "minor player" in the scandal. "Minor," pffffffffft, Rudy probably thought to himself. She called him a "shiny object."

Does this object look shiny to you?


OK maybe sorta, bad example!

But fine. Yeah sure, Jane Raskin did also say Rudy was "outrageous, irreverent, blasphemous, a rogue, a renegade," but the damage was already done.

And John Bolton? A long time ago they used to be friends, but they AREN'T ANYMORE, because JOHN BOLTON IS A BACKSTABBER:


Rudy Giuliani will just be over here in this corner being outrageous and irreverent, a blasphemous renegade goin' rogue, AND YOU CAN'T SIT WITH HIM.

You know, unless you ask nicely.

[New York Daily News]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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