Looks Like Wonkette's Your New Unemployment Office
Just shy of two months ago, we started a Gofundme for our readers who were in even direr straits than usual. You all responded like HEROES, with $59,282 of your OWN MONEY, to help your fellow Wonkers with rent or mortgage, food, health insurance, bills, and, almost always, a treat. After Gofundme took its small chunk, we sent $57,425 to ninety-four Wonkers and their families, and a few people who obviously weren't readers, so what, who cares, live pray love or live love eat or one of those I'm sure.
It felt marvelous every day to open up my Paypal and be Grandmother Beneficent with your money and a touch of ours. It felt grand. But it was also one to two (sometimes more) hours a day, and it did wear me out! As we stopped pimping it, we got fewer requests. Yay, people are getting their unemployment! Civilized society in the form of a governmental safety net has taken over our virtual soup kitchen, and I can cross that off my to-do list and get back to writing, editing, assigning, payroll, HR, accounting, and my belated thank you notes!
Except, of course, it hasn't. Who ever could have foreseen it?
How is it that it's just shy of two months later, and people still haven't gotten their unemployment checks? Oh, right, Rick Scott wanted to fuck the jobless. How is it that the Paycheck Protection Program turned out SO badly for everyone but Trump donors and me? Oh right, Steven Mnuchin is a useless douche. How is it that red states — including, despite its Democratic governor, Montana, where I live and where Commie Girl Industries is incorporated, LARRY KLAYMAN — are encouraging businesses to fink on any employee who doesn't want to go back to serving coronavirus stew oftentimes before they've even been able to file? I appreciate you letting me know about your nifty new website for ratting on my workers, Montana Department of Labor, but my husband and I are our only employees in the state, and we have neither laid us off nor refused to return to work. Yet.
And now, even though we haven't been pimping it, the requests for help have started ticking back up. And every time I get one, my heart drops. There is nothing in the kitty (it's a few hundred bucks upside down at the moment, which we happily covered) to send rent or mortgage, food, health insurance, bills, and a treat.
You said to let me know when we're reopening it, so: I'm letting you know that the state and federal governments are not doing their job of meting out the benefits that our friends and fellow citizens paid into, and it's left to fucking us. If you've got a little extra — maybe you don't need the stimmy check you've gotten, if you've even gotten that — consider sending it to the man to distribute to our lovelings. (Me, I'm the man. Your friends are our lovelings.)
Vote early and often.
And if you're in need of help, please email me at rebecca at wonkette dot com, and I can't stress this enough, TELL ME HOW MUCH WOULD HELP and ALSO WHAT YOUR PAYPAL OR VENMO ADDRESS IS. If you have neither, let me know upfront, and we can make an alternative arrangement, but if you do have one, tell me it! I know it feels awful to ask for help and you don't want to. Also I know if you are like me, stress is making your brain stupid. But that small step eliminates a small step of work on my end, and LET'S MAKE IT EASY FOR ME TO HELP YOU WITHOUT HAVING TO HUNT DOWN THE INFORMATION TO HELP YOU WITH! HOORAY! I think the MBA guys probably call this "frictionless" which just reminds me of Erica Jong's zipless fuck even though I'd hope they are opposites!
And if you've got your credit card open already, this is also your monthly money beg. We're about $10,000 down from where we need to be for the month. But we also got two and a half months of payroll with the PPP so I'm neither trying to freak you out nor guilt you, and we're definitely not dying, at least not for two and a half months. Clicking the widget below pays for Wonkette's operating expenses, and does NOT go to your fellow readers at the Gofundme. That link is above. Anyway, just if you're feeling it, GOODBYE.
Unless you want to stick around for this, because now it's OPEN THREAD.
Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.