Lost Your House? Got No Job? Just Send Pat Robertson $20 A Month, And God Will Give You A New One
You can't even be mad at Pat Robertson for telling people with no houses and no jobs to send him "just $20 a month" so that God would shower them with blessings. Being mad at a televangelist for parting fools from their rent is like being mad at your dog for eating your cat, or being mad at George W. Bush for lying you into a decade-long war. They cannot help it, it is how God made them. What good is a televangelist without a $100 thousand RV for his dogs, or half a million to pay out in a sexual harassment claim from a dude? How is a televangelist supposed to show the world he is a Righteous Man if he does not have God's Prosperity raining upon in him in the form of old ladies' pension checks? (Obviously we are kidding. "Pension checks"! HA!)
Anyway, Pat Robertson and God would like you to sell your car and join the Honor Roll of Chariots of Fire to send Bibles to El Salvador, so that God will send you more muneez.
At the end of Monday’s 700 Club broadcast, Robertson told the story of D.L and Deborah Hobby, who “lived large” in a 4,600-square-foot home until the housing market crashed and their real estate business dried up.
After selling their home at a “huge loss,” the Hobbys declared Chapter 13 bankruptcy in 2010. The “defeated” family of four was forced to move into a 1,000-square-foot home.
“D.L. and Deborah did agree on one thing: They would keep on tithing despite their financial difficulties,” a CBN narrator explained. “The Hobbys began to watch The 700 Club and eventually became partners.”
That’s when “amazing things started to happen,” the report noted. “Deborah’s business eventually started to rebound. And within two years of the bankruptcy, the Hobbys bought a larger home.”
“Our finances have been restored because of him,” Deborah Hobby observed. “And I believe it was because of us continuing to tithe, and us putting God first in our lives.”
“They were faithful,” Robertson opined at the conclusion of the report. “Listen, there is no way you can out give God. You can’t do it. And that which is given to him will come back 30, 60 and 100 fold.”
And that brings us to us. You Godless humanists have been very wonderful about tithing to your Wonket -- especially some dude who works for BP, feels bad about it, and sent us a grand. Do you work for someone terrible? Wouldn't you like to feel better about it? Soon, we are going to have a donation pop-up thingie to annoy you. When this happens, if you have already given us money, just click the box that says SHUT UP I ALREADY GAVE YOU MONEY. If you are poor, click the box that says SHUT UP I AM POOR. Unlike Andrew Sullivan, we will not actually have a paywall. Wonkette, like information, wants to be FREEEEE.
But we are still gonna nudge the hell out of you, to ensure your place in the kingdom in heaven, because we care about your soul. And also Bibles for El Salvador.
Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.