Lovable Cheney Cheered by Happy Crowd
It was another fantastic appearance by charismatic "vice" President Dick Cheney. He was greeted by the usual joyful cheers and standing-room-only crowd, and his speech hit one stellar high note after another: the victory in Iraq and other victories to come, and the terrorism and other terrorisms to come.
And where did the popular veep rock the house this time? It was the annual meeting of the American Israel Public Affairs Committee. But Cheney wasn't the only star of the show -- find out about Hillary and Barry Hussein's dueling dessert receptions and Jesus Freak American Rednecks trying to join the Israeli Army, after the jump.
Here are some of the things you missed at this week's big AIPAC meeting in Washington, which we weren't invited to because we're not running for president:
* Some evangelicals from Appalachia have offered their son to the Israeli Army. We bet he speaks perfect Hebrew!
* Everyone was incredibly happy about the plans to nuke Iran.
* There was also much excitement about the 2008 presidential race.
* End Times evangelical pastor John Haggee told the mostly Jewish crowd: "The sleeping giant of Christian Zionism has awoken!" This was greeted with crazy applause.
* (Note: Evangelical Christians only want Israel to briefly defeat all its Arab neighbors and rebuild the Temple so Jesus can come back from Outer Space and take the Evangelicals back to space and annihilate the Jews. This is not a joke, although it bears some resemblance to the fable of the frog who foolishly lets a scorpion ride on his back across the River Jordan.)
* Nearly every senator and at least half of the representatives held various secret meetings on the Hill with the AIPACers, mostly on Tuesday.
* "These sessions were not open to the media, nor even mentioned on the schedule of events distributed to members of the press."
* Iran is supposed to be financially choked before the bombing.
* Norm Coleman said "Our commitment to Israel defines us as a nation," which is pretty funny considering the state of Israel has only existed for 59 years of the United States' 230-year history. It's like saying Star Wars was always about R2D2 flying.
* Totally bipartisan, total cooperation. The Unity Party already exists!
* Without AIPAC, lawmakers would have no idea what to do, day to day. Democratic Congresswoman Barbara Mikulski spoke proudly of the "daily phone calls" to help her with legislation.
* Republican Senator Coleman said AIPAC helps with his work, too. "I don't sit behind my desk and come up with this stuff," he said.
* "Other Democratic and Republican members of Congress onstage nodded in agreement," Salon reports.
* Still, a few delegates booed Nancy Pelosi's speech, while chain-smoking minority leader John Boehner got a standing ovation.
* For the final gala event, there was an exciting roll call that "took 13 minutes and included the bulk of Congress, as well as high-ranking officials from the White House, the State Department and the National Security Council."
* Israeli PM Ehud Olmert appeared live via satellite and told the assembled politicians and officials to support Bush's continued war in Iraq, or else.
* A drunken, deranged Joe Biden wandered around the whole time saying to everyone and no-one: "Hi, I'm Joe Biden! I've been hanging out with AIPAC for years!"
* Hillary's dessert reception drew more delegates and guests than Obama's, even though more people were personally interested in seeing Barry Hussein up close.
* That's because, as one guest said, "I'd really like to see Obama in person, but Hillary is better for Israel."
* During the slideshow of U.S. presidents and Israeli PMs -- which began, of course, with President George Washington and Israeli PM Whatshisname -- the crowd saved its biggest, wildest, happiest applause for the picture of George W. Bush.
* The antisemite who reported all these tidbits and so many more for the Salon piece is Gregory Levey, "Israel's United Nations speechwriter and senior foreign communications coordinator for Ariel Sharon and Ehud Olmert."