MAGA Hat Creeps Must Have Some Weird Kink For Getting Their Asses Kicked By Liberals
The president of the United States is an asshole. There have probably been other asshole presidents -- we have our suspicions about JFK -- but Donald Trump is the first to govern openly as an asshole. (Except a bunch of the Republicans. But Trump is more.) This has inspired amateur assholes across the nation to flaunt their alternative lifestyle. They put on the red "Make America Great Again" hat Trump wears whenever his Muppet hair misbehaves, and they go out into the world and make asses of themselves. This usually ends poorly.
It seems like they want to get confronted and hassled for wearing a MAGA hat. Maybe it's their way of stepping temporarily into the shoes of people who have a hard time in the world just because they're a minority or queer. Just kidding, nah. They just want to troll the libs and "prove" we're all close-minded, intolerant hypocrites. We guess that's what you do with your free time when sex is firmly off the table.
Last Saturday, a guy in a MAGA hat got his ass kicked outside a Portland, Oregon, bar. PDX hipsters are traditionally more lovers than fighters, but that was before Barack Obama divided the nation. We don't think anyone, even Trump-supporting assholes, should be attacked because of what they're wearing. Period. However, it turns out this particular asshole might've been spoiling for a fight.
Video emerged this week of Luke Lenzner, the poor abused MAGA hat wearer, talking loud and saying nothing at a different Southeast Portland bar, a few hours before his previously reported ass beating.
Man in MAGA hat clashes with Portland bar crowd youtu.be
According to Michael Radosevich, who took the video, it wasn't long after Lenzner arrived that he started looking around and "staring down" anyone who dared make eye contact with him. The bartender eventually asked Lenzner to leave. You have to be a major league asshole to generate this response in Portland. It's not Brooklyn. Portlanders prefer their lives to have as much conflict as a "hang-out" sitcom. Lenzner claimed he was a veteran (he's not) and begged the "draft-dodging" patrons to come outside and fight him. They all declined and just asked him to kindly go fuck off. No one wanted a fight. They wanted to focus on which of the bar's 1,001 different IPAs to order.
Lenzner tried to start his own pity parade and suggest he was later attacked because of his MAGA hat. We think it's safe in this instance to separate the asshole from his apparel. Being an asshole isn't a political statement. It's a character flaw. Historically, black people weren't attacked because they showed up at a honky-tonk bar and shouted, "Where the white women at?" Our troubles came from less provocative actions such as fighting honorably for America in World War I or legally riding a public bus.
The bar where Lenzner finally found his much-desired altercation was on Southeast Hawthorne. In May of 2011, Brad Forkner and Christopher Rosevear were walking across the Hawthorne Bridge when five cowards followed and viciously attacked them. The couple was holding hands. Lenzner said he was "mobbed and beaten." He doesn't know what that means. He'll never truly live with that fear. Yelling at strangers or wearing a red cap is not the same as just existing differently than other people.
Radosevich compared wearing a MAGA hat "in hyper-liberal Portland to wearing Klan robes in a black community." We wouldn't go that far. The Klan wanted to terrorize not simply antagonize, but they also saw themselves, incredibly, as the victims of minorities and a diverse culture. Donald Trump might not be the first asshole president, but he's the first to so only appeal to misguided persecution complexes.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He recently fled Seattle, where he did theatre work for Book-It Rep and Cafe Nordo.