Maggie Haberman Runs Another Ivanka Press Release Submitted On A Cocktail Napkin
Breaking news from the New York Times: Ivanka Trump is now officially a registered Republican. It's the only tangible achievement from her time at the White House. You'll recall that back in 2016 Trump and her idiot brother Eric were too stupid and/or lazy to realize that the New York Republican primary is closed, which means they couldn't vote for their own father because they weren't registered members of the party.
This very important story is a Maggie Haberman special. She even had a co-writer to spot her for all that heavy-hitting beat-sweetening. Yeah, as David Letterman might've said, "It took two people to write this" crap.
Put on your hip waders. We're going in:
Ivanka Trump's transformation from a New York socialite who donated to Democratic politicians and vocally supported gay rights to a card-carrying member of her father's "Make America Great Again" coalition is now complete.
Turns out this news isn't all that breaking. Trump officially switched to the Dark Side in October 2018, so she could vote for candidates who would help keep her father in office and ideally out of prison. Haberman must've assumed now was as good a time as any for us learn about Trump's "political evolution."
TRUMP: I am a proud Trump Republican.
Trump is herself a brand so she'd love for the Republican Party to become another unsightly structure with her family's tacky name slapped on it. We're only a few paragraphs in and it's clear that Trump's colossal vanity will go unchecked.
TRUMP: I believe he's broadened the reach of the Republican Party, which is really important to me.
Trump's GOP is limited now to Republicans willing to give public reacharounds to the president. Anyone who dares offend the mad king is exiled from the court.
Three years after liberals pinned their hopes on her as a bridge within the Trump White House, Ivanka Trump has reg… https://t.co/y9yvdN4cgi— Maggie Haberman (@Maggie Haberman)1583181542.0
Haberman suggests that "some Democratic elites" viewed Trump as a "bridge to moderates because of her more progressive positions on issues like climate change, pay equity and parental leave." The article doesn't name these “elites," but it's safe to say they're all Maggie Haberman.
The article lists some of Trump's greatest achievements in performative activism. She personally "lobbied" the president to not bail on the Paris climate accords. She failed. She reportedly helped kill a proposed executive order torching Barack Obama-era LGBTQ protections. Good on her. Too bad all those heroics exhausted her so much she dozed off while the Trump administration viciously attacked the LGBTQ community for the next three years.
TRUMP: I'm not going to speculate on the projections other people have cast upon me. In areas outside of my portfolio, I tend to agree more with the more conservative viewpoint more often than where the Democrats are today.
See, Democrats are all tax the rich and, "Hey, Mr. President, stop doing crimes." Trump is more free market job creating and “please leave my daddy alone so he can commit all the crimes." The Democrats are so inflexible. There's no room for an entitled narcissist who contributes nothing useful to society. (Keep it down, peanut gallery.)
Born again Trump Republican Ivanka proudly fundraises for her father's reelection campaign and follows in his footsteps as a Twitter troll.
This factional fever and incoherent, ill-conceived process has finally ended and the President has rightfully been… https://t.co/e73qKgIHf7— Ivanka Trump (@Ivanka Trump)1580940019.0
Ms. Trump declined to say which Democrat she would like to see face off against Mr. Trump in a general election. "I definitely wouldn't tell you that," she said, calling every candidate in the field "very unique."
And that's it. That's the whole story. Ivanka Trump changed her party registration a year and a half ago, and failed to get her father to stay in the Paris Accords. And that's what the New York Times is spending its real estate on. We guess there's no more market for stories about Hillary Clinton's kitchen reno permits. Maybe we should tell them there's more emails?
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).