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Sucks to be Paul Manafort, who got his ass kicked around the courtroom yesterday by Judge T.S. "Cranky" Ellis. After losing his motion to move his trial to Redstate, Virginia, last week, Manafort got the postponement he'd been asking for. Sort of. Instead of going on trial tomorrow for all the money laundering, Paulie gets a one-week reprieve -- not December as he'd requested. Maybe he'll even bother to shave for the big day!

And if Manafort's attorneys are trying to piss off Judge Ellis, they're doing a hell of a job! Imagine a squad of lawyers who are being paid $10,000 PER HOUR, arguing with a straight face that their client needs a postponement so the government can provide him with his own subpoenaed ledgers for free, instead of him paying his old bookkeeper to regenerate them. Judges love that! THEY DO!




Judge Ellis was similarly skeptical of Manafort's request to ask the jury if they voted, calling it theatrics.

I'm not in the theater business. You have to be better looking for that.

Manafort got a win of sorts when five of the 30 witnesses against him were granted use immunity -- that is, forced to testify but guaranteed that their testimony can't be used to prosecute them later -- but the government lost its motion to have their names shielded from the public.

Hey, remember all the breathless speculation from the wingnuttosphere that John and Tony Podesta were going down, dude? And a few of our leftwing brethren got hot-n-bothered when they saw Bernie Sanders's campaign manager Tad Devine's name on the list of email chains subpoenaed? Yesterday was the big witness reveal, AND ...


Why it's five accounting people you've never heard of JUST LIKE WE TOLD YOU IT WOULD BE!

(Okay, if you want to nitpick, we told you the list might include Manafort's ex-son-in-law Jeffrey Yohai, who partnered up with him on a bunch of shady shit, because we forgot that he'd already cut a plea deal. DOH!)

The most interesting witnesses are Dennis Raico and James Brennan, both of whom were employed at Federal Savings Bank (FSB) in Chicago. Allegedly, FSB President Steven Calk greenlighted $16 million in loans for Manafort as a quid pro quo for a job in Trumpland. Calk, with his history of banking fuckery and loathing of regulation, was a perfect fit to advise the Trump campaign on banking and economics. But Secretary of the Army? Lololol sure why not. Calk got to advise the Trump campaign but never got to be the Army secretary. SAD!

The rest of the witnesses will likely have hilarious stories of the good old days, like when Paul Manafort would bring in a loan application covered in Wite Out, and they'd have to dummy up a new one from scratch. Did they doctor up his bullshit loan applications just to be nice? Or was there a box of Entenmann's coffee cake with a couple of hundreds taped to the lid for their troubles?

WE'LL FIND OUT NEXT WEEK! And we'll find out today who the rest of the witnesses are, since Judge Ellis just told the government to disclose the whole list.


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[Buzzfeed / TPM / Zoe Tillman Twitter]

Five Dollar Feminist

Your FDF lives in Baltimore under an assumed identity as an upstanding member of the PTA. Shhh, don't tell anyone she makes swears on the internet!

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How do you do, fellow libs? We come together tonight to cheer and clap and cry and laugh, with our leader, Elizabeth Warren, and her fellow nice people Jay Inslee (the gold standard in climate action), Beto O'Rourke (excellent on being a good ally mostly), Cory Booker (best corny love hippie but also Wall Street, it's weird), Julian Castro (I don't know, people are super into him despite his creepy twinness and his too much pomade), Amy Klobuchar (bad bitch), Bill de Blasio ( ... ), John Delaney (???), and Tim Ryan and Tulsi Gabbard.

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We know, the thing we said in our headline is a thing you can say every day, but it's really intense today, maybe because Donald Trump is now filled with fear of the inescapable reality that millions of Americans who have not read the Mueller Report are going to see Robert Mueller testify on live TV on July 17, and Donald Trump will be exposed. Maybe the Big Mac vending machine next to his golden toilet is on the fritz and he hasn't had gotten to eat a Big Mac on the poop chair since last night. Maybe he's just a weak and sad person, a collection of shithole cells God meant to throw in the garbage, but accidentally implanted in Mary Trump's turkey incubator. We imagine that'd lead to a pretty constant state of anxiety and ennui.

Whatever it is, he's totally fucked right now. We were going to write a nice post about Trump's batshit interview on Fox Business with Maria Bartiromo, but we were busy, and by the time we got to it, he had performed so many batshit feats that we're just going to stick them all in this one post.

Let's start with the fight he's trying to wage with US soccer star Megan Rapinoe, who in a now-viral video stated that she has no fuckin' interest in going to the White House to meet that idiot. He got into a quarrel with her on Twitter ... or at least with a Twitter account that didn't belong to her. It's now been replaced, in order that the adult president may shit-tweet at the soccer superstar who hurt his feelings, but Splinter grabbed the original:

The rant continued:

Right. And Megan Rapinoe just said win or lose, she has no interest in meeting your crusty ass, because no decent American would consider that an honor.

Besides, she has already been to the White House to meet a legitimately elected president:

By the by, the owner of the incorrect Megan Rapinoe account saw Trump's whining and told him to grow a dick and set it on fire:

Ya burnt!

But as we said, it was a whole day of batshit from Trump, so let's continue.

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