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Manic Pixie Asshat Ends Piano Campaign To Win Back Girlfriend, Is Sorry You All Hate Romance

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This weekend, we brought you the story of Luke Howard, a piano player from Bath, England, who was so emotionally distraught over his girlfriend of four months (four months!) breaking up with him that he decided to Forrest Gump a piano in a park until she agreed to take him back.


A pretty good sign, frankly, that she should absolutely not do that.

Alas, his stunt has come to an end -- not because he was punched in the head at 4 a.m. while he was playing (although I understand the temptation, this was bad), but because women were real mean about all the awesome romancing he was doing and he was concerned that this would upset the object of his desire.

He sent a letter to iNews explaining his reasoning:

Yesterday, at around 4am, as I sat in the centre of Bristol playing the piano I was punched in the head while, as it would now appear, turning myself into the largest fool in the West Country.

So, much to the great relief of many I’m sure, I stopped playing. But the attack wasn’t the reason why I walked away from the piano.

[...]

I stopped playing yesterday because I realised that what I had wanted to do had spectacularly failed. The social media reaction turned it very quickly into something that would cause the one person I didn’t want to hurt embarrassment and pain. That was the last thing in the world I had wanted to happen, so I left.

I do not blame or in fact feel anything negative towards anyone who has commented on what I decided to do. On the contrary, the lack of understanding just reminds me of how very rare a thing pure love actually is and even though it has hurt me so deeply, I was very lucky to have felt it at all.

So to the girl I didn’t want to name, whose house I didn’t want to sit outside, didn’t want to flood with text or emails I want to sincerely apologise for all of this.

Yes. The reason people thought this was creepy and emotionally manipulative is because unlike Luke Howard, we do not understand what pure love even is, and we probably just hate #romance. Surely, if we did, we would all be swooning over his glorious act of romance, and applauding him for having the restraint to not sit outside her house.

Surely.

[iNews]

Hey! Wonkette has never sat outside your house either! We would like some credit for that, in the form of donations to our tip jar! Click below!

Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Previously, she was a Senior Staff Writer at Death & Taxes, and Assistant Editor at The Frisky (RIP). Currently, she writes for Wonkette, Friendly Atheist, Quartz and other sites. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse

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The Church of Scientology had some thoughts about Our Robyn's piece, Who Wants To Watch A Creepy White Guy Rap About Scientology? We had some thoughts about their thoughts.

Thanks for writing in, Scientology! As you doubtless realized when you didn't demand we take down our story, but requested it instead, our opinions of your weird cult and that poor young man's rap skills are protected by the First Amendment. (I learned about libel law in college and grad school but also on the job: I was in newspapers so long that I was actually colleagues with Tony Ortega -- about whom you sound quite "venomous" and "biased" -- at the very same newspaper chain you can't believe he defended! Next up, please show your due diligence by talking trash about a woman you didn't know was my mom.)

Also, a lot of your former members say on the record that you kidnap people, and stalk them, and harass them, and sometimes beat them up good, and I request that if so, fucking stop it.

The rest of you click the headline, if you want your OPEN THREAD.

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Monday's Trump-Putin press conference landed on the entire free world like a hot treason-shaped turd, didn't it? Congressional Republicans have been saying mean things about it on Twitter, and even Fox News has been less than 100% supportive! The White House communications department obviously knew it had a crisis on its hands, what with how it's generally considered inappropriate for the leader of the free world to get on all fours in front of the Russian president and wag his tail and slobber with anticipation while he awaits his next marching orders. WOMP WOMP, etc.

So the comms department typed up a thing for the president to read aloud today at the beginning of his meeting with members of Congress, about how he was VERY SORRY he said one word incorrectly during the Putin presser. That's right, only one word of that whole fucking shitshow was wrong. All the rest of his traitor words were exactly what he meant to say.

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