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After hinting oh-so-subtly for days and days that he had a Big Announcement! to make on Monday evening, Marco Rubio made a Big Announcement!


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He is going to be president (no he's not), but not just any president. He is going to be president of A New American CenturyTM, because he is young and hip and SO down with the kids these days that he doesn't even need to capitalize his name. THAT is how hip he is. Unlike some candidates (Hillary Clinton), who are really old (Hillary Clinton), and represent yesterday (Hillary Clinton).

"Yesterday," Rubio said in his snoozenouncement, "is over." He also said some words about Cuba, which poses an imminent threat to this new century of which he would like to be president, and he repeatedly mentioned that his father was a bartender (drink!), so that should win over the hipster voting bloc.

And then, as any young, super edgy candidate for the next generation does, he encouraged people to go to his website. Which looked like this:

You know whose website was fully operational when her creaky old presidential campaign officially launched, even though she is SO YESTERDAY? That's right, Grandma Clinton. Perhaps Rubio should have asked to borrow her secret basement server.

The geniuses at Team Marco eventually got the site working, more or less; they just weren't quite so ready after all for the OVERWHELMING rush of New Century Americans who wanted to "meet Marco" and learn about all of his many accomplishments.

Did you know, for example, that Rubio has proposed all kinds of neat new century ideas?

As a U.S. Senator, Marco has led a bold offensive to institute innovative, conservative ideas to address these fundamental issues and to restore hope in the American Dream. His ideas are firmly rooted in this simple truth – the American economy has changed significantly in recent decades and our policies must change with it. He has proposed conservative reforms to our nation’s anti-poverty laws, tax code, regulatory policies, higher education system, vital senior safety net programs and national defense.

So true. Nothing says bold and innovative like refusing to answer how old he thinks the Earth is because he's "not a scientist, man." And as for repealing and replacing Obamacare, which he promised (again) in his Big Announcement, well, we already know he's got some terrific ideas about how to do that, because back when he was a state legislator, he helped push through a great alternative called Florida Health Choices, and that is going just swimmingly.

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Anyway, Rubio's speech was boring, except for the parts where he seemed so nervous, you couldn't help but pity the poor schmuck; his top issue for a "new" century is, according to his website, fighting communism because "Cuba’s government is an enemy of the United States"; and he still is not going to be president, the end.

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