Mark Sanford's Forbidden Love Wasn't a Crime


South Carolina Governor Mark Sanfordwill not face charges for using state airplanes to romance his Argentinean soul mate, because state attorney general Henry McMaster, a Republican, doesn't want to assign criminal intent to Sanford's tragicomic penis. So we're all just gonna "put this controversy behind us and move on,” heal, etc.

Here's what kinds of problems Sanford was facing:

The State Ethics Commission charged Mr. Sanford with 37 violations, including 18 instances when he flew first or business class instead of third class; nine improper uses of state aircraft; and 10 counts of using less than $3,000 in campaign money for personal or nonbusiness expenses.

In March, Mr. Sanford agreed to pay $74,000 — $2,000 per charge — to avoid a hearing.

Throwing money at problems is a very liberal/socialist thing to do! And it's really out of character for Sanford, who famously and cheaply built his dad's coffin out of old condom boxes and expired coupons. But Sanford was eager to "move beyond this distraction" and join every other man, woman, child, state's attorney, and white-tailed deer in forgiving him. He had no choice.

Interestingly, McMaster -- who brags about being the first guy President Ronald McDonald Reagan chose to be his U.S. Attorney -- is hoping to replace term-limited Sanford, because McMaster is "ready to lead." By letting Sanford off the hook, is potential Love-ernor McMaster hoping to set a precedent for when he's looking for taxpayer-funded rides to his own lovers' international love nests? If he really cared about the taxpayers, he'd make a campaign promise right now to keep his sparkin' things intrastate.

[New York Times]

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We know, the thing we said in our headline is a thing you can say every day, but it's really intense today, maybe because Donald Trump is now filled with fear of the inescapable reality that millions of Americans who have not read the Mueller Report are going to see Robert Mueller testify on live TV on July 17, and Donald Trump will be exposed. Maybe the Big Mac vending machine next to his golden toilet is on the fritz and he hasn't had gotten to eat a Big Mac on the poop chair since last night. Maybe he's just a weak and sad person, a collection of shithole cells God meant to throw in the garbage, but accidentally implanted in Mary Trump's turkey incubator. We imagine that'd lead to a pretty constant state of anxiety and ennui.

Whatever it is, he's totally fucked right now. We were going to write a nice post about Trump's batshit interview on Fox Business with Maria Bartiromo, but we were busy, and by the time we got to it, he had performed so many batshit feats that we're just going to stick them all in this one post.

Let's start with the fight he's trying to wage with US soccer star Megan Rapinoe, who in a now-viral video stated that she has no fuckin' interest in going to the White House to meet that idiot. He got into a quarrel with her on Twitter ... or at least with a Twitter account that didn't belong to her. It's now been replaced, in order that the adult president may shit-tweet at the soccer superstar who hurt his feelings, but Splinter grabbed the original:

The rant continued:

Right. And Megan Rapinoe just said win or lose, she has no interest in meeting your crusty ass, because no decent American would consider that an honor.

Besides, she has already been to the White House to meet a legitimately elected president:

By the by, the owner of the incorrect Megan Rapinoe account saw Trump's whining and told him to grow a dick and set it on fire:

Ya burnt!

But as we said, it was a whole day of batshit from Trump, so let's continue.

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DING DONG THE WITCH IS ... quite likely to land on her feet. But for today, the New York Times reports Dana Loesch is out of a job, the latest casualty in the war between the NRA and its longtime advertising company Ackerman McQueen. But every cloud has a silver bullet lining, since Dana will have more free time now to spend on her favorite hobby. We can't wait to see which cartoon character she photoshops Klan hoods onto next. Maybe she'll branch out and start putting Nazi armbands onto Buzz Lightyear. Oh, we would be so triggered!

As one of the most visible characters on NRATV with literal hundreds of viewers for each of her fascist rants, Dana Loesch was a tireless advocate for the gunhumpers lobby, always ready to call out "tragedy dry-humping whores," threatening to "fist" or perhaps "fisk" the New York Times, and expressing her hope that the Mueller Report would die in an "AIDS fire."

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