Market Basket Crisis Over, Good Arthur Buys Company, Spankings And Oral Sex For All
Big Happy Labor news today, in the form of a corporate takeover, oddly enough. Arthur T. Demoulas, thegood Arthur in the family feud over the Market Basket grocery chain, successfully closed a deal to buy out his cousins, including the evil Arthur, Arthur S., who wanted to run the company like a bunch of Gilded Age robber barons. And there was much rejoicing. Arthur T., who had been fired in June, will join with his siblings to purchase the 50.5 percent stake in the company owned by Arthur S. and other relatives, bringing peace to the realm and prompting calls for a "buycott" by Market Basket customers who had stayed away from the stores during the leadership dispute.
Arthur T. was beloved by employees for his family- and worker- friendly policies, which included a living wage, regular bonuses and profit sharing, educational assistance, and much better benefits than most employers in the grocery sector. Obviously, since he wasn't squeezing every cent of profit out of the company, he had to go, but a coordinated work action and consumer boycott left most of the stores nearly empty, as warehouse and delivery workers walked off the job, and shoppers taped their receipts from other grocery chains to Market Basket windows. After weeks of negotiations, the Mordor-based side of the Demoulas family accepted Arthur T.'s offer of over $1.5 billion to buy them out. They are expected to convert it all to gold coins and swim in it in their underground lair.
The Boston Globe reports that the agreement gives Arthur T. "day-to-day operational authority of the company”; a press release said, "All Associates are welcome back to work with the former management team to restore the Company back to normal operations." Not too bad from a management team that had been threatening to fire the lot of them a couple weeks ago.
The agreement authorizes Arthur T. to manage the business and stabilize operations at its 71 stores, where employee walkouts and customer boycotts had brought business to a virtual standstill for six weeks. He will also be able to rehire several managers who were fired along with him. However, until the deal closes, he will continue to work with the chief executives hired to replace him, Felicia Thornton and James Gooch.
You should also go check out the Globe's photo collection of ridiculously happy Market Basket employees celebrating the announcement of the deal. It's a nice reminder that a bunch of commie libs who give a rip about employee rights actually can cooperate with enlightened management to make capitalism work for everybody. And if you're in the Northeast, you might want to make some plans to go grocery shopping. Give them a couple days to get the produce aisle restocked.
It is believed that, following his announcement of the deal to Market Basket employees outside the company's headquarters yesterday, Arthur T. reached into his pocket and found Zuzu's petals, the Tin Woodsman's diploma, some corn from Shoeless Joe's baseball field, and a map to Narnia.
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