She will fuck you up.

Democratic Rep. Maxine Waters AKA Auntie Maxine (she prefers to be called that) does not have time for this shit. She came to work Thursday, saw that HUD Secretary/Possessor Of The Brokenest Brain Dr. Ben Carson was testifying before her committee, and we imagine she already knew she was going to have to reclaim her time repeatedly. So, using her magical powers, she decided to fuck with him, and hot damn, it was great.

Carson slept through the whole thing, as usual.

Just so we all are on the same page, this is what Waters was having to deal with yesterday morning:

So! Waters had Donald Trump's maliciously cruel and ignorant threats to pull federal disaster aid out of Puerto Rico on her mind, and so she read his tweets out to Dr. Carson, and simply wanted to know if he agreed with the president. Apparently this was a difficult question for Carson!

WATERS: This morning, Trump threatened to abandon Puerto Rico recovery efforts. President Trump served notice Thursday that he may pull back federal relief workers from Puerto Rico, effectively threatening to abandon the U.S. territory, amid a staggering humanitarian crisis in the aftermath of Hurricane Maria. [Waters reads Trump's tweets.] ... Do you agree with the president?

CARSON: I certainly agree that Puerto Rico is a very important territory, that the people from Puerto Rico have contributed greatly to the culture of America.


WATERS, RECLAIMING HER TIME: I'm not talking about that! What I'm talking about is these tweets where the president threatened to abandon Puerto Rico recovery efforts. Do you agree that they should be abandoned, that Puerto Rico should be abandoned?

CARSON: Well first of all, as I was saying, Puerto Rico is a very important part of our culture ...

Carson finally confirmed that his department has "no intention of abandoning Puerto Rico," which was PART of the answer Waters was looking for, but NOT ALL OF IT.

Get ready, because Maxine Waters is about to fuck with him, it's only going to take 60 seconds, and in that timeframe, she will trick Ben Carson into publicly disagreeing with Trump:

WATERS: So you don't agree with the president. He tweeted electric and infrastructure was a disaster before the hurricanes and sought to shame the territory for its own plight. Do you share that opinion?

CARSON: I think ... that our job ... is to make sure ... that we take care of the disaster that has occurred.

WATERS: So you don't agree that it should be abandoned, is that right?

CARSON: Of course it should not be abandoned.

Here we go ...

WATERS: And you don't think that they should be shamed for [their] own plight. Is that right?

CARSON: There is no question that there have been a lot of difficulties in Puerto Rico ...

WATERS: Should they be shamed for [their] own plight?

CARSON: I don't think it's beneficial to go around shaming people in general.

WATERS: OK so I'm glad to hear you don't agree with the president.

Maxine Waters sees what Maxine Waters did there.

Well that was highly enjoyable. Happy Friday, everyone!

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Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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Yesterday afternoon, 45-year-old Gary Martin of Aurora, Illinois was let go from his job at the Henry Pratt Company, a factory that manufactures water valves. In response, he took out a pistol with a laser scope and began shooting at random. He killed five people and injured six others who were just trying to make it through the day at the water valve factory, and then the police killed him.

His mother said he was "stressed out." He "seemed fine" according to the clerk at the Circle K where he bought his cigars that morning. His neighbor thought he was a nice guy. Some people were surprised, others were not.

This kind of thing used to be shocking, but it's a story we're used to now. It gets repeated at least once a month. It's just what happens now, and we can't do anything about it because we can't do anything about gun control. This is, the Right has decided, just the price we all have to pay so they can stockpile guns for funsies, and take sexy pictures of guns shoved in their pants. This is the blood that waters their special tree of liberty.

It's fucking exhausting. And stupid. We shouldn't have to live this way. No one should have to live this way. But we do. Why? Because some day some yahoos might want to overthrow the government, which is (of course) a completely legal thing to do, and their "right" to do that must be protected. So it's literally just never, ever going to stop.

Gary Martin, like most other mass shooters, also had a history of violence against women. In 1994, in Mississippi, he was convicted for stabbing one. He should not have been able to get a gun after that. I would like to know how and why he was able to get that pistol with the laser scope that he killed five people with yesterday afternoon. Maybe someone gave it to him. Maybe he bought it somehow. Maybe someone forgot to do a background check. Maybe he bought it from someone who didn't have to do a background check.

I am so goddamned tired of writing this article. I am out of things to say.


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That's right, Wonkers, while we're all up here in America dealing with the terribleness, your Editrix and her fambly are in MEXICO AT THE BEACH, where they will probably stay for a little while longer or maybe they're never coming back SHRUGGIE EMOTICON. But that's OK, they deserve some time to be AT THE BEACH in MEXICO, oh no, don't get NATIONAL EMERGY CARAVANNED!

Yeah, so it's time to count down your top ten stories of the week, like we do on Saturday mornings. Shall we? WE SHALL.

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