Mayor Bloomberg Attacked By Filthy Weather Rat
According to ancient tradition, the Staten Island Groundhog bit Mayor Michael Bloomberg today, guaranteeing another six years of brutal financial collapse.Charles G. Hogg (R-Staten Island) attacked the New York mayor during a satanic ritual held each February 2 in opposition to the Christian celebration of Groundhog Day, in the Amish hamlet of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania.
While the Teutonic hordes did their "Das Groundhagg est Christ" routine this morning, Bloomberg and his stock-jobbers begged the Staten Island vermin to bring wealth and power back to Manhattan.
Instead, the rat-beast lunged at Bloomberg, clamping onto the tiny mayor's finger as crimson rain fell upon the gathered financial journalists.
The Associated Press reports:
Staten Island's famous groundhog, Charles G. Hogg, inexplicably bit Mayor Michael Bloomberg during his annual holiday ceremony on Monday, drawing blood from the billionaire.
Said Bloomberg spokesman Stu Loeser: "It nicked his hand."
He was told there was no risk of rabies. The 2-year-old animal was born and raised in captivity and has had no interaction with other animals.
Gahk! Blood from a billionaire, furry totems condemned to a life of caged solitude ... isn't this in the Book of Revelation? Meanwhile, in freezing
Minnesota Michigan (same thing!), the mobs are calling for the execution of "Punxsutawney Phil."