McCain Campaign Steals Rudy's Secret Strategery Plans
Looks like Giuliani's strategists have come to the same conclusion as Wonkette: It's going to be basically impossible for Rudy to overcome his negatives, because Republican voters aren't real sweet on twice-divorced opera-loving gay-roommate-having Manhattan dandies who like to perform show tunes in ladies' underwear.
The findings are part of a secret Giuliani assessment apparently prepared by champion fund-raiser Anne Dickerson that was conveniently "found" by another major GOP '08 contender, which pretty much means John McCain.
But McCain's got the morals of a ferret, as we'll scientifically prove, after the jump.
Despite WALNUTS!' recent conversion to a pious, pompous, bloodthirsty big-government totalitarian psychotic Jesus Freak, he's not exactly on the Straight Morality Express. A notorious drunk with a pill-addicted second wife, probably the only time McCain wasn't sinning against God was when the Viet Cong had him locked in a little cage.
Yes, he was tortured and you gotta love him because of it, but we've learned from many movies about the Vietnam War that all those guys come back absolutely crazy. Remember Rambo? Totally true. He's a maverick all right ... just like Caligula!
Let's do a little Republican 2008 Morality Watch:
* Rudy Giuliani: Twice-divorced opera-loving gay-roommate-having cross-dressing show-tune-dancing Manhattan dandy.
* John McCain: Dangerous would-be totalitarian psychopath Jesus Freak S&L crook who can't stay married or sober or control the terrible voices in his head.
* Mitt Romney: Mormon, which either means terrific personal morals or scary cult magic-underwear polygamist.
* Duncan Hunter: Toupee-wearing tax cheat who may or may not be wiped out by his buddy Duke Cunningham's Hookergate.
* Michael Bloomberg: Actually a New York Jewish Democrat who runs the Main Stream Media.
* Sam "Brokeback" Brownback: Enjoys sexytime sleepovers at men's prisons.
* Mike Huckabee: Committed to living out the movie "Old School."
That's all the GOP hopefuls we can remember right now! Refresh this page constantly in case we add Tommy Thompson or somebody at some point in the future!