White House

Trump's New ICE Chief Can Spot Future Gang Members With His X-Ray Eyes

Fox News nominates another member to the Trump administration.

Donald Trump has picked yet another talker from Fox News for a top administration job, proving once again that knowing things is not nearly as important as being on TV. On May 5, Trump announced he was nominating Mark Morgan, who briefly served as the head of Border Patrol in the closing months of the Obama administration, to be the new head of Immigration and Customs Enforcement. Morgan replaced Trump's previous nominee, Ron Vitiello, who was shitcanned for not being "tough" enough. It was a bit of a surprise that Trump didn't go with Matthew Albence, the guy he'd picked to replace Vitiello as acting head of ICE, but perhaps advisors thought Albence might face confirmation trouble over his 2018 statement to Congress that government baby jails were a lot like "summer camps" Thank goodness there's no such public record of insane comments to get Mark Morgan in trouble!

You know, other than in some of the 80 times since January Morgan has been on Fox News to defend Trump's immigration policies as the wisest, smartest ideas ever, including a January 14 visit with Tucker Carlson in which Morgan claimed he could simply look at immigrant kids and predict which ones would become gangbangers (all of them, Tucker).

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Who Crawled Up The New York Times's Ass And Died?

What's with these people?

The New York Times is at it again. The paper ran an article the other day that was almost indistinguishable from a GOP press release.


Those claims aren't just "grisly." They are also bald-faced, bare-assed lies. Democrats probably didn't expect Republicans to shamelessly accuse them of murdering children. If it's always too soon to discuss gun violence, there's apparently never a bad time to "politicize" abortion and claim your opponents are soulless monsters.

But why is the Times burying the lede? The GOP's slander -- not just of Democrats but of American women -- is the actual story here, not that Democrats are unprepared to cope with it.

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Fox News Still Stupidest, The Worst: Awful New Abortion Laws Edition!

They all suck.

America is slouching further toward Gilead after a recent flood of forced-birth laws. Even televangelist and renowned hurricane slayer Pat Robertson is concerned. He's afraid Alabama's crazy new law goes "too far." Robertson doesn't give a crap about women, but it concerns him that a doctor who "commits abortion" could wind up in jail for 99 years. That's almost longer than you sit around in the waiting room before a physical appointment. He also (perhaps pessimistically) believes the case isn't the right one to challenge Roe v. Wade because it's so extreme it'll get slapped down by the Supreme Court. This will tragically doom women to the tyranny of bodily autonomy.

But while cranky old Pat is picking lemons, Fox News's usual gang of idiots -- that's a Mad Magazine reference, Pete -- are making lemonade. Tucker Carlson thinks we're focusing too much on women giving birth against their will. Why isn't anyone pointing out that they're also becoming parents against their will? Why, even an 11-year-old rape victim is eligible for the blue ribbon parenthood prize! Abortion supporters are apparently monsters who can't see the upside in anything.

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NRA's Dana Loesch Got Paid A Million Dollars To Make Videos Watched By A Thousand People Each

That's one hell of a CPM.

We've been covering the grifting, self-dealing, back-biting, and civil waaaaarrrrrrr at the NRA quite a lot lately. This is because we love it when bad things happen to bad people. But sometimes good things happen to bad people. Like NRA spokeswoman Dana Loesch.

Earlier in the week, when Five Dollar Feminist was researching whichever NRA post she was researching -- there were a lot okay?! -- she asked me how many individual ("unique," AND YOU ARE!) readers come to Wonkette every month, so she could compare it to this quote from wherever:

But Ackerman [McQueen, the NRA's ad agency, which is taking $40 million from the NRA per year] declined even to provide the N.R.A. with internal statistics on NRATV's viewership. A review of data from Comscore, which tracks web traffic, suggests why that might be: The NRATV site had just 49,000 unique visitors in January, and less traffic in March than, the website of Ackerman's hometown newspaper.

YIIIIIIKES, I said. Wonkette's unique readers -- which are at a record low since Facebook continued boning us and also you all got depressed by Bill Barr's interpretive dance about the Mueller Report -- were 459,000 in January, down from a much nicer average of 800-900k. But I wouldn't make too much of it, I said: Doubtless all NRA-TV's viewers were watching them at Youtube. When will I learn to stop being so fair?

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Hot Mess

Poppy Trump's Got The Shakes, And Dan Scavino's Got The Fix

It'll make you feel gooooooood!

Dan Scavino brings the LULZ. Trump's teenage golf caddy has burst his argyle chrysalis and become a glorious, wing-tipped butterfly. Or, if not glorious, then at least useful. If you need it, Scabbers can get it. And what Trump needs is attention, lots and lots of attention.

Politico has a batshit story this morning on Scavino's successful campaign to turn the president's world into a giant video game with himself as the primary dispenser of Twitter happiness tokens. Like that time when Trump abruptly announced that the US was pulling out of Syria, and then Mattis and the rest of the mean uncles came in with long faces talking about national security and US interests -- boooooring. Luckily The Scab was on hand to reassure Dear Leader that his policies are universally adored.

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Mel Gibson Wants To Play A Conniving, Jewish Patriarch ... LOL, GET IT?

Five Dollar Feminist is MAD ABOUT A THING.

Hey, Sugartits, wanna see a movie? It's about a family of Jewish bankers named Rothchild. No, not "Rothschild" like the prominent Jewish family featured in anti-Semitic conspiracy theories for literally hundreds of years now. This is totally different -- there's no "S." And these Rothchilds don't even have horns.

Oh, come on, it'll be fun! It stars Shia LeBeouf as the wayward son who murders all his relatives to get his hands on the family fortune. And that guy used to be Jewish, so you know he'll just nail it. And if he needs an expert, Mel Gibson will be on hand to tell him what Jews are really like. You know, like, how "the fucking Jews start all the wars" and we killed Jesus and made up the Holocaust. Just in case young Shia needs help getting into character. Gibson will play the sinister, old Jewish patriarch Whitelaw Rothchild.

Now I know what you're thinking, but Mel Gibson's publicist has assured the Daily Beast that this is in no wise a thinly veiled depiction of an actual, living Jewish family starring a guy who believes that Jews secretly control the world and start wars to enrich ourselves.

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All These Idiots Have Broken Bill Nye

Childhood's End.

Bill Nye has had it with you jerks who keep ignoring science, OK? The popular teevee personality and science educator capped off one of John Oliver's excellent deep-dive infocomedy segments on "Last Week Tonight" this weekend with an important message: The climate crisis has driven him to cuss. That's what happens when you combine an existential crisis and widespread denial with premium cable.

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2020 democratic primary

Elizabeth Warren Tells Fox News To Fox Off

It's like she's actually watched it!

We love Elizabeth Warren. She's smart and will have unveiled seven new policy proposals before you've finished this post. We also appreciate her straight talk. She's said repeatedly that Vice President Mike Pence is a bigoted bag of hair. Now she's given a patrician middle finger to Fox News. The senator from Massachusetts announced on Twitter today that she's turned down an offer to attend a town hall hosted by the right-wing propaganda outlet. She did not pretend she had to stay home and wash her hair.

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Kevin McCarthy Can Wait ... For A Constitutional Crisis

It's your Sunday Show Rundown!

We focus today on House Minority Leader and second most ineptly dangerous McCarthy, behind "Anti-Vax" Jenny, Kevin McCarthy. Appearing on CBS's "Face The Nation" with Margaret Brennan, McCarthy first tried to make a case for why Donald Trump Jr. should not have been subpoenaed by the Senate Intelligence Committee:

BRENNAN: But, leader, let's-- let's talk about one of the things that we laid out there in the open, which is this decision to ask Donald Trump Jr. to come back to answer questions related to previous answers he had given to the Senate Intelligence Committee. You've said it's time to move on. But, if Congress hasn't finished its own investigation, how can you say that?

MCCARTHY: But, they have-- they have finished the investigation.

: The Senate Intelligence Committee hasn't finished its work.

But think about why the Senate is doing this. Donald Trump Jr. has spent 27 hours already testifying. They're requesting him back based upon something that Cohen has said, when he is in jail for lying to Congress. But Cohen was talking about a meeting he wasn't even at. So that is why I believe we should move on. And if the Senate hasn't finished--

McCarthy seems to be confused as to why Cohen LIED to Congress. He lied on behalf of "Individual One" who was clearly identified as Donald Trump by the Southern District of New York. The lies were specifically about a deal for Trump Tower Moscow continuing while he was running for president and Russia was escalating election sabotage in 2016. So the insistence of McCarthy and others in the GOP on using Cohen's lying as a way to exonerate Trump is woefully misguided. Of course this should not be very surprising for McCarthy:

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Nice Time

All These Nice Things Rock Like A Mother

BABY FOX BABIES, and some longreads and stuff

Happy Mother's Day, Wonkers! It's time for your weekly escape from the awful news of the week, which will still be there when you're ready to start paying attention to it again. Yr Dok Zoom is coming off a much-needed vacation since Wednesday, and wow did we ever need that chance to recharge our batteries. (Which involved shopping for a hybrid car; so hey, actual batteries.) So here we are, dragging our ass back to work and bringing you the Nice Things!

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Trump's Manic Saturday Morning Retweet Storms Fast Becoming A Dreaded Institution

Surely this is the sign of a healthy mind.

Last Saturday morning we all had the pleasure of waking up to the President of the United States retweeting a bunch of professional bigots complaining that Twitter was being mean to them and other professional bigots. That was weird, though not as weird as it would have been if anyone else were the President of the United States.

Despite all evidence to the contrary, he appears to think this went really well for him. Thus, he woke up and did the same thing early this morning, but without any kind of particular running theme. Some of the tweets were about Russia, some of them were about the same "Twitter is mean to bigots and that's not fair!" jag he was on last week, some were about abortion, one was a random year-old tweet from his large adult son.

He does not appear to be well.

This is from over a year ago.


There are, again, multiple places on the internet where people can say whatever they want. Gab, 4chan, Voat, etc. If that is what these people want, they are free to go to those places. Alas, no one wants to go to those places because they are gross Nazi cesspools. If Twitter was not moderated, it would turn into a gross Nazi cesspool and no one would want to be there anymore, including Laura Loomer, whom I have noticed has not made much use of her Gab profile. Because it's gross and terrible there.

Aw! They were BULLIED? Well, maybe they should stay the hell away from Planned Parenthood.

Again for those in the back, most drugs come through legal ports of entry. The stupid wall will not do anything to stop that.

These are not even all of them. It's not even half of them. Like dude just woke up this morning and started retweeting like a maniac. It's sort of sad that there is no one in his life that cares to check in on him and make sure he is OK. Or it would be, if he were not a monster. I know for a fact that if I appeared to be having some kind of episode on Twitter, someone I know would be like "Hey Robyn, are you OK? Maybe you should step away from the computer for a bit. Drink some water! Take an Ativan!," and for that I am grateful.

In fact, instead of focusing on how obnoxious all of these retweets are and how they are clearly a sign of some kind of mental instability, we should all take a moment and be grateful that if we were having a very public breakdown, someone would care enough about us to stop us before we continued.

[Donald Trump Twitter]

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Please Break Up Facebook, Says Co-Founder, Before Zuckerberg Kills Us All

Chris Hughes shreds old college buddy Mark in New York Times op-ed.

The weird thing about Facebook is that we all [most -- ed] still use it. The social media giant quite possibly helped destroy the country, but whatevs. There was also a major motion picture that depicted Facebook's CEO, Mark Zuckerberg, as a Bond villain in flip-flops. Stock prices only increased. Do we really need cat videos that much? Probably, but Facebook doesn't have to be the sole provider of time-wasting and data mining.

Chris Hughes, a co-founder of Facebook, thinks it's time to break up and actually regulate the company. In a New York Times op-ed today, Hughes argues that Facebook has grown "too big and too powerful." He also fears that Zuckerberg's "unchecked power" is taking him into cat-stroking diabolical mastermind territory.

HUGHES: Mark's influence is staggering, far beyond that of anyone else in the private sector or in government. He controls three core communications platforms — Facebook, Instagram and WhatsApp — that billions of people use every day. Facebook's board works more like an advisory committee than an overseer, because Mark controls around 60 percent of voting shares. Mark alone can decide how to configure Facebook's algorithms to determine what people see in their News Feeds, what privacy settings they can use and even which messages get delivered. He sets the rules for how to distinguish violent and incendiary speech from the merely offensive, and he can choose to shut down a competitor by acquiring, blocking or copying it.

Hughes goes on to describe Zuckerberg as a "good, kind man," which in context sounds like Mark Antony subtweeting Brutus at Caesar's funeral. It angers him that Zuckerberg sacrificed "security and civility" for his own personal ambition ... like all "good, kind people" do, we guess. He also accuses Zuckerberg of surrounding himself with a bunch of sycophants and yes men who don't challenge him. But Hughes doesn't just rag on his old college buddy. He's also "disappointed" that he and the early Facebook crew didn't fully consider how the social media site would go on to "change our culture, influence elections and empower nationalist leaders." This is probably why "startup Facebook," along with baby Hitler, is a major target for time-traveling assassins.

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How Will CNN Ask Employees To Give Up Their Reproductive Rights For A Job?

They're gonna have to move out of Atlanta.

Picture it—America, 2020! You are a media professional of some kind, sitting at home, checking your email, when you see a message from CNN, TBS, Adult Swim, Tyler Perry Studios, Boomerang, or one of the many film studios now based in Atlanta, offering you a great job. Or you're a flight attendant getting a job with Delta Airlines that would be based in Atlanta. Or it's another job with another company that happens to be based in Georgia.

It's a job you'd eagerly take under most circumstances, but you, unfortunately, have a uterus. Or your partner or your child has a uterus. That now makes taking a job in Georgia, or in any of the other states that have recently passed abortion bans a slightly tougher decision.

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Meghan McCain's Also Terrible Husband Attacks Seth Meyers Because Everything's Ridiculous

Ben Domenech says Meyers was being anti-Semitic against non-Semitic Megs.

Meghan McCain, that living testament to meritocracy, was a guest on "Late Night with Seth Meyers" last night, and we give her some credit for showing up. Megs McCabe had to know Meyers probably doesn't like her very much because he's a decent guy and it's scientifically impossible for decent people to like Megs McCabe.

Meyers called out McCain for her obsessive attacks of escalating grossness against Rep. Ilhan Omar. McCain, who we hear is the daughter of John McCain, recently tried to pin offensive-ish comments Omar had made to the extremely offensive bullets fired in a California synagogue. Meyers thought that was foul. After all, Omar has been the target of escalating death threats herself. She already has to deal with the president putting rhetorical targets on her back. She doesn't need a pile-on from the daughter of the guy who lost the presidency.

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Who Put These Pubes All Over My First Amendment?

Remember when 'conservatives' hated 'frivolous lawsuits'?

First Melania Trump sued the Daily Mail and a host of tiny bloggers for reporting the existence of a book that claimed she'd been an escort. (The Daily Mail settled; the bloggers ate varying degrees of shit.) Then Devin Nunes sued (but never served!) Twitter and his cow lover for the torts of "mockery" and "mean names." And now youngest ever certified securities frauder Jacob Wohl and lobbyist Jack Burkman are threatening to sue the Daily Beast for pointing out that, oh, they MIGHT HAVE induced a young man to falsely accuse gay Democratic presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg of raping him.

Is it wrong to falsely accuse someone of rape? Or is it wrong to interview the supposed accuser and type up his words claiming Burkman and Wohl had promised him a "lavish lifestyle," MAYBE falsely imprisoned him, and then (he alleges!) put out the false statement in his name?

According to Burkman and Wohl, it is the latter. And they're going to (threaten to) make the Daily Beast pony up, at least for legal fees, since they will never ever ever win an actual "libel and defamation" (yes, AND) suit on the merits.

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Everywhere Else News

Just 'Pro-Life' 'Christian' Mike Pompeo Beaming About North Korea Executions

It's your Sunday Show Rundown!

Let's get right to it all with Secretary of State and least favorite Pompeo (Ellen being the favorite), Mike Pompeo. Appearing on ABC's "This Week" with guest host Jonathan Karl, Pompeo was first asked about North Korea firing tactical guided weapons into the East Sea. The "strike drill" was supervised by leader Kim Jong Un on Saturday, as reported by North Korea's state media. Of course, North Korea still firing any weapons comes as a "total shock" because of these "presidential" tweets:

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