How's Your Kid's Online Schooling Going? Well, You're Reading This So You Have Internet

Harris, Warren, Sanders, Biden agree: INTERNET FOR THE PEOPLE.

When schools were closed because of the coronavirus outbreak, the big question was how is our students learning? Most schools moved to online “distance learning," which is most effective if you're actually online. Roughly 39 percent of rural Americans can't access internet at speeds faster than a caged hamster running on a wheel, and lower-income Americans regardless of location are less likely to have internet access because the shit's expensive. The average cost of broadband internet is $60 a month. Teachers across the country are setting up Zoom meetings, and many students live in homes where the sole internet access is a pre-paid cell phone whose data limit is a single YouTube video.

The $2 trillion stimulus package doesn't address this. Democrats proposed $2 billion to help expand online access, but Senate Republicans weren't about to pay for anyone's free porn. Educators are trying to fill the gap. They're delivering quarantined take-home work and setting up mobile wi-fi hot spots. Corporations are even being less Grinchy: Google has offered free wi-fi to 100,000 families in rural California through the end of the school year, as well as 4,000 Chromebook laptops for students.

Like almost everything else connected to this pandemic, America is behind the curve. Distance learning was a reasonable contingency plan for when students can't safely access their school buildings, but the plan must meet the needs of all students and not just depend upon the kindness of corporations.

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Class War

Oh Sh*t, Meghan McCain Is A Bolshevik Now!

Welcome to the revolution, comrade.

You might not have noticed with everything else that's going on, but Meghan McCain has gone full Bolshevik over the the past few weeks. That's what a pandemic will do to you. You're so bored stuck at home, you wind up re-evaluating all your previous "rah-rah capitalism!" beliefs.

Last week on “The View," while asserting her "fiscal conservative" credentials, McCain expressed a degree of sympathy for people who've lost their jobs because of the coronavirus

McCAIN: I think we need to start easing up on rents and loans in this country for the average American family as well. It's not that people can't go out and work, it's that they are unable to.

This is still a very conservative principle. It's rooted in the idea that there are the “worthy poor" and “unworthy poor." The government should deign to assist the “worth poor" if we believe they didn't bring their poverty upon themselves through sheer shiftlessness. It's easy for conservatives like McCain to see the millions of laid off workers as having “done nothing wrong." Their financial difficulties aren't reflective of a perceived moral failing.

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fox news

If Devin Nunes Doesn't Get To Play Outside Soon, He Might Just Sue A LIVE COW

Just kidding, he would never sue a live cow. OR WOULD HE?

Donald Trump is being serious about coronavirus, finally, or at least pretending to be. Florida Governor Ron DeSantis finally put Florida under a statewide stay-at-home order, because Trump finally gave him his marching orders, we guess.

But you know which elected official is not buying into the liberal agenda nonsense, and just wants to go out in the pasture and play, and if you think he's gonna stay six feet away from each and every cow, you got another think coming, ALLEGEDLY?

cow pole dancing GIF Giphy

That's right, Devin Nunes is not havin' it.

A couple weeks ago, Fucking Devin was pretty sure when Dr. Anthony Fauci said "stay at home" that Dr. Anthony Fauci was not his real dad, so he interpreted that order as GO TO BARS. (And then got so mad when people reported on what he said.)

Now, weeks later, with the bodies piling up, in an America with more than 200,000 confirmed coronavirus cases and growing, with outbreaks shooting forth from all corners of the country like the country is a big udder and the milk is coming out of all kinds of nipples like WHOA HEY! — against this backdrop, Fucking Devin is doubling down.

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Class War

Nothing Makes Ben Shapiro Madder Than Capitalism Working For Poor People

Why aren’t striking workers grateful for the opportunity to die while delivering his groceries?

Ben Shapiro, who is Ben Shapiro's idea of a smart person, is very disappointed with Amazon workers who are striking for better pay and working conditions. They aren't patriots! The true patriots during this time of crisis are people like Ben Shapiro, who can remain comfortably at home while Amazon and Instacart magically deliver everything he needs for his survival.

Shapiro sees a moral distinction between striking because of “bad worker pay" and striking because you “want more money." He believes this is an intelligent point that he made.

SHAPIRO: I'm sorry. Everyone else lost their job. Everyone else lost their damn job.

Not you, though, Mr. Shapiro. You're still paid to perform this rightwing dog and pony act for us. Broadway theaters went dark. "The Flash" shut down production, but "The Ben Shapiro Show" keeps on trucking. It's the cockroach in our nuclear winter of entertainment options.

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Who Needs Dr. Fauci When You Have Dr. Diamond And Dr. Silk?

Who's even dying of coronavirus? Let's ask these experts!

Gather 'round, don a lab coat and hold your favorite Bunsen burner tight, it's time for #CoronaChat with known science experts Diamond and Silk!

Did you learn some science in that video of Diamond and Silk? Good!

In case you cannot watch it, the information they imparted was very #publichealth. Silk said that "my president" Donald Trump wanted to open the country up by Easter. "I knew this was going to happen! He said this was going to happen!," exclaimed Diamond. "Instantaneously!" added Silk, without completing her thought. Silk told Diamond, "Now watch the numbers of deaths go up," so the media could hurt Donald Trump, by reporting a lot of new coronavirus deaths. "And! And! And!" added Silk, America is now number one for coronavirus cases! QED!

Clearly, they are just wondering if all of these deaths are a fake news scam, to destroy Trump.

Like we said, science.

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Matt Gaetz Demands Senator Richard Burr's Ouster For Stock Dumping. Must Be That Time Of The Month Again.

Don't tell that asshole we agree with him again. He'll get a big head ... oh never mind.

Matt Gaetz is really stepping up his game. Congressman Florida Man previously stuck to being Right About A Thing?!?!? once a quarter. But this pandemic seems to have shaken something loose, and now he's leveled up to once a month. So, uh, good job, Matt Gaetz!

Gaetz is currently shit tweeting at Mitch McConnell for letting North Carolina Republican Senator Richard Burr stay on as head of the Senate Intelligence Committee after he got caught redhanded dumping stocks before coronavirus infected the stock market. As ProPublica was first to report, Intel was receiving daily updates on the danger of COVID-19 back in February, at the same time Burr was publicly chirping to Fox that "the United States today is better prepared than ever before to face emerging public health threats, like the coronavirus, in large part due to the work of the Senate Health Committee, Congress, and the Trump Administration." Which is ... not how that turned out.

On February 13, Burr dumped a metric shit ton of stock — somewhere between $628,000 and $1.72 million — including at least $250,000 of shares in the hospitality industry, which got pummeled when coronavirus shuttered hotels. Burr insists that he was simply prescient, just dumping stock based on what he saw on MSNBC, and that the part of his brain that attended those secret coronavirus briefings is firewalled off from the part that executes trades. You bet! But ProPublica got a recording of him on February 27 warning a roomful of fancy donors that shit was about to hit the fan and decimate the travel industry.

None of which is a good look. And because North Carolina law would force the state's Democratic Governor Roy Cooper to replace Burr with a Republican, there's no reason other than loyalty for the GOP to stick with him. Which, let's cut the shit here, is not really a thing with these people.

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Ivanka Trump Goops Her Way Through Coronavirus Crisis

We are not in this together if Ivanka's supposedly one of 'us.'

The president's useless daughter, Ivanka Trump, is trying to guide us all through the coronavirus crisis with obnoxiously cheery, uplifting messages. She's not providing a unique service. We already have a Gwyneth Paltrow.

Trump published a press release posing as an op-ed last week where she praised everything Donald Trump had done for the "forgotten man and woman." She neglected to mention how little her father did to stop the spread of a disease that has cost them their jobs and potentially their lives.

Within weeks, a pandemic has threatened the health, safety, and livelihoods of millions around the world — including here in the United States. In order to curb the spread of the highly-contagious virus, we have had to work from home, transition to distance learning, and temporarily manage a new way of life. As we collectively and individually experience this new reality, we have seen firsthand the hardships citizens face when they do not have access to paid family and sick leave.

That's a lot of “we" in there, sister. There's no way Ivanka Trump has witnessed actual hardship first or even secondhand, but maybe she's drawing from the memories of visiting her own sweatshops.

While her husband, Jared Kushner, screwed the tenants in his New York apartment buildings, Ivanka posted some videos of herself, sans makeup because she's real that way, social distancing her heart out. She wants to let us know we'll all be OK, except for the history-making number of unemployed people who might have to sell their teeth and hair while singing “I Dreamed a Dream."

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fox news

Fox News Idiots Not Sure People Even In Hospital With Coronavirus, SAYS WHO?


Remember how Wonkette was just saying Fox News is being a little bit more careful about spreading lies about coronavirus, now that Donald Trump is pretending to take it more seriously for a minute? OK, well that lasted nine seconds, which, to be fair, is a new record for Fox.

During a panel discussion about "groupthink" about coronavirus — you know, all the things the libs obviously don't want you to know! — led by the stupidest Fox News anchor with a British accent, Steve Hilton, they discussed the possibility, based on something somebody saw on Twitter, that hospitals are ACTUALLY empty, but the Deep State doesn't want you to know that, obviously.

But the discussion was more than that, so let's dive into the stupid for a sec. Transcript courtesy of Media Matters:

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Nice Time (ON OPPOSITE DAY) Coronavirus Quick Bites For March 30, 2020

These are really not nice times.

Last week, we told you how Hobby Lobby's leadership had a conference call with God, who informed them that everyone should keep working during the coronavirus pandemic because He had their back. Unfortunately, God isn't an infectious disease expert. The Oklahoma-based crafts store shut down its stores in the state finally after Gov. Kevin Stitt closed non-essential businesses. It wasn't long before the oh-so-Christian organization started firing employees via email. Hobby Lobby founder and CEO David Green is worth little morally but his bank balance is estimated in the billions. Couldn't he float payroll for a while? That's what Jesus would do, but his broke ass didn't know the first thing about business.

Employees not outright fired will have their pay reduced between 10 and 25 percent for the next two weeks. Afterward, they get to burn through their accrued personal and vacation days. Hobby Lobby's hourly employees earn 48 hours of personal time a year and salaried employees receive 48 hours of paid sick leave. Facebook is more generous, and Mark Zuckerberg doesn't show off his personal hickeys from God.

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Nancy Pelosi Said What She Said: Trump Is Getting People Killed

But the ratings on his presidential snuff film are higher than ever!

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi read Donald Trump for filth again during an interview on CNN's "State of the Union" Sunday. Pelosi told host Jake Tapper straight up that Trump's bungling response to the coronavirus pandemic cost Americans their lives.

PELOSI: The president -- his denial at the beginning was deadly. His delaying of getting equipment to where it's needed is deadly ... I don't know what the scientists said to him: When did this president know about this and what did he know? That's for an after-action review. But as the president fiddles, people are dying.

Yep, you heard her. She’s gonna IMPEACH again, like she did last year. (Although, she’s probably more focused on keeping us all alive right now.) Pelosi had no problem laying the blame for the escalating loss of life at Trump's doorstep.

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Lord Bless And Keep New Orleans As A New Storm Comes

And of course, Laissez les bon temps rouler. Someday soon, hopefully.

There is something that happens to me every time I cross the state line from Mississippi into Louisiana on Interstate 55, or more accurately, a few minutes later, as I pass through the towns of Hammond and then Manchac, where I see Middendorf's, one of the best seafood joints anywhere, off the highway to the left. Right there begins The Bridge, which you only understand if you've crossed it. From there, you've got 42 miles to New Orleans, and it's about the last time you'll see dry land until you get there, as you roll through swampland along the edge of Lake Pontchartrain. It doesn't matter whether it's daytime, late at night, or, as is most often the case, dusk. It doesn't matter if I'm the only one in the car or, as is most often the case, I'm in a car full of joyful people.

Something in my body, in my soul, just exhales, like I've been holding my breath since the last time I was on that bridge. It's a physical and spiritual reaction. Though I've never actually lived in the city of New Orleans — I dream of one day being able to, at least part-time — there is something about that city and that region that just whispers, "You're OK now. You're here." (There are bits of evidence in our family tree that maybe there is a deeper connection with the city running through our genes, if you believe in that sort of thing.)

Cafe Du Monde, Decatur Street, French Quarter, New Orleans… | Flickr

New Orleans, as you might have heard, is fast becoming a frightening new epicenter for coronavirus in the United States. New Orleans, a city that's been through disaster too many times before, and that still bears the scars of Hurricane Katrina in 2005.

According to the Johns Hopkins map, there are 1,170 confirmed cases in Orleans Parish, but we're sure that number is already expired. In the New Orleans metro area, it's getting close to double that. New Orleans is experiencing the fastest growth in the world, and the highest number of deaths per capita, in a city where 24 percent of the residents are below the official poverty level and many are homeless.

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White House Econ Crank Peter Navarro Icing His Balls After Unsuccessful Ventilator Evasion On CNN

And then, the murders began.

Do you want to watch CNN's Brianna Keilar kick the White House's pet China loon in the dick this morning? Of course you do! It's the next best thing to wielding those steel tips yourself. And if there's ever anyone who deserved it, it's Peter Navarro, the economics crank Jared Kushner dug up by Googling "China + GRRRR + ARRRRGHH." Yes, really. (Well, mostly really.) The guy whose ideas are so mindbendingly stupid he had to invent a learned professor to endorse them, a professor whose name is an acronym of Peter Navarro. Yes, again, really. (Totally really.)

The subject was ventilators, of course, and how the Trump administration has been KILLIN' IT with its coronavirus response.

Keilar to Peter Navarro: You are wasting everyone's time

"Peter, look, we know you are working with the private sector. It is heartening to see Hanes making thick fabric so apparel workers can make that into non-surgical masks. GM is partnering with Ventec. All of that is good news," Keilar began. "But why do you have prisons competing with the postal service and hospitals, and Kentucky competing with Illinois and Louisiana, FEMA, the VA, in order to get a lot of these supplies. The federal government is not stepping in to coordinate the purchase and allocation of this?"

As a threshold matter, no, they are not. Donald Trump has made it entirely clear he doesn't want to be the "shipping clerk" for the states, he's refused to actually use the Defense Production Act to conscript business, preferring to use it as "leverage" — whatever that means — and, oh, by the way, his administration spent weeks blocking states from using their own COVID-19 test kits.

Take it away, Ron Vara.

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No, you disgusting ghouls, you cannot have my mother for ECONOMY.

Congratulations to Texas's Lieutenant Governor Dan Patrick whose BIG IDEA to lick this coronavirus by killing Grandma is getting a real life trial run.

"No one reached out to me and said, 'As a senior citizen, are you willing to take a chance on your survival in exchange for keeping the America that all America loves for your children and grandchildren?'" Patrick derped to Tucker Carlson Monday night, as he urged Americans to get their lazy asses back to work. "If that's the exchange, I'm all in."


And now an entire nursing home is being evacuated because all the residents have coronavirus. But "protectively & lovingly," just as the president promised!

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fox news

Ainsley Earhardt Worried Coronavirus Will Negatively Impact Her Beauty Regimen

We can always count on Earhardt to be ridiculous.

"Fox & Friends" continued its gripping coverage today of the ongoing coronavirus pandemic. The panel was literally discussing the 3.28 million new jobless claims filed this week, when the pride of Spartanburg, South Carolina, Ainsley Earhardt, broke in to make sure viewers weren't losing sight of what's truly important right now.

EARHARDT: All the bills that are stacking up at my apartment. We gotta think about that kind of thing.

Not really. Earhardt is still receiving her absurdly large salary. She didn't suddenly lose her job in the gibberish-making industry. Presumably, she can still pay her bills online. If she cared about the environment, she'd have gone paperless long before this.

EARHARDT: If you bought clothing before all this happened, if you want to return it. Are stores going to waive that 30-day period when you can get your money back if you need to return something?

Don't worry, some stores have extended their return dates. However, many others think you can just keep your coronavirus-infected blouse. A store clerk doesn't need to die because you had second thoughts.

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And This Is Why You Send Wonkette Your New York Times Money

Yep, time for us to yell at the Times again.

Texas Lt. Gov Dan Patrick told Tucker Carlson Monday that senior citizens such as himself would cheerfully die so that America's economy can tap dance on their graves. An elected official suggesting that we move toward a Logan's Run society is a big deal, and the New York Times originally made that clear in its headline before backpedaling like a common New York Times. The Twitter account "Editing TheGrayLady" highlighted the change.


The original headline, in gray and pink, is chillingly accurate, but its replacement, in green, is bland and unoffensive, which often feels like the New York Times's journalistic credo. Texas isn't struggling between federalism and nationalism. It's not like whatever passes for our national government these days has ordered state governments to act. Donald Trump wants to throw a coronavirus party on Easter Sunday. Texas Gov. Greg Abbott isn't “balancing" local control with the coronavirus crisis. He's not doing anything. He's leaving the critical decisions to the local authorities in 254 counties. Time is of the essence when it comes to flattening the curve, and Abbott is leading by confusovision.

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