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Alan Dershowitz Ain't Got No Panties On

EXCEPT FOR WHEN HE IS AT JEFFREY EPSTEIN'S HOUSE!

Good news for all the OB-GYNs of America, because Alan Dershowitz has just given you the week of nine months from now off work! How did he do that? It was simple. He just went on Fox News and talked about how good he is at sex, and how exemplary his sexual activities are, and as a result, nobody in America will be in the mood to have sex until approximately two Wednesdays from now, because they keep seeing Alan Dershowitz making coitus in their minds!

But what would make Alan Dershowitz lay his penis right out there on the massage table at Fox News for all to see, in order to show everybody the tree rings on his stump that signify only the most excellent, thoughtful and morally upright orgasmic encounters? Well, he's mad at David Boies, the lawyer for one of Jeffrey Epstein's victims. And maybe there are other Epstein-related reasons, but if there are, Wonkette for sure does not know them!

Whatever it is, Dershowitz felt the need to go on Fox News last night and issue a Fuck Challenge to David Boies, kind of a you show me mine, I'll show you yours-type thing, or however that goes:

DERSH: I've issued a challenge to him! Look, I've had sex with one woman since the day I met Jeffrey Epstein. I challenge David Boies to say under oath that he's only had sex with one woman during that period of time. He couldn't do it! So, he has an enormous amount of CHUTZPAH to attack me and to challenge my PERFECT, PERFECT SEX LIFE DURING THE RELEVANT PERIOD OF TIME.

ALAN DERSHOWITZ WAS TOO BUSY PARTICIPATING IN RESPLENDENT HETEROSEXUAL BREEDING RITUALS DURING THE PERIOD IN QUESTION, YOUR HONOR! ALAN DERSHOWITZ HAS ONLY HAD SEX WITH ONE WOMAN SINCE HE MET JEFFREY EPSTEIN, AND PLEASE DO NOT ACKNOWLEDGE THE LAWYER WORDS HE JUST USED OR ASK ANY SASSY SASSAFRAS QUESTIONS LIKE "OH SURE, ONE FULL GROWN WOMAN, TELL US ABOUT THE OTHERS," AS THAT IS NOT FAIR TO ALAN DERSHOWITZ! IF YOU SUGGEST SUCH A THING ABOUT ALAN DERSHOWITZ, HE'LL GO ON FOX NEWS AGAIN TONIGHT AND TELL YOU UNSOLICITED INFORMATION ABOUT THE FIRST TIME HE TRIED ANAL AND IT WAS MARVELOUS.

ALLEGEDLY.

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Post-Racial America

Ronald Reagan Wasn't The Martin Luther Rosa Parks Jr. Conservatives Think He Was

In case you were wondering!

The current Republican president is a foaming-at-the-mouth white supremacist who likes to raise lynch mobs against sitting congresswomen of color. As potentially life-threatening as this all is for Ilhan Omar, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Ayanna Pressley (apparently not related to Elvis), and Rashida Tlaib, it's a downright mild inconvenience for other Republicans who don't like people thinking they're racist or even racist-adjacent. Can't we think about their feelings for once?

Jay Nordlinger, senior editor at the National Review, knows who is to blame for today's racial crisis and it's all the "race hustlers" who dared to acknowledge the existence of racism in the past.

Twitter

Nordinger alludes to the Aesop fable, "The Boy Who Cried Wolf," as if all accusations of racism were a big hoax. "Race hustlers" have fooled white people long enough, so now they're going to let the racist wolves devour us. Conservatives don't even acknowledge a genuine difference of opinion or perspective: "Race hustlers" are just "falsely and maliciously" smearing the good names of Reagan conservatives. And as we all know, Ronald Reagan was a racial saint. Why, when he launched his 1980 presidential campaign, he declared that he would "build his church on the rock of racial harmony." No, wait, what he actually communicated to a crowd in Mississippi was a loud dogwhistle about "states' rights." Jimmy Carter won Mississippi in the 1976 election. He would lose (narrowly) in 1980.

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Journamalism

NPR And Trump's 'Racist' Tweets, By Me, A Doktor Of Rhetoric!

Still unclear whether NPR will say it screwed the pooch. But wow, did it ever.

National Public Radio did something a bit unusual Monday morning: It got ahead of a lot of news outlets and used the word racist to describe Donald Trump's tweets telling four Democratic congresswomen of color to go back where they came from. NPR and the Associated Press were among the first major news organizations to say it straight, without any of that "racially tinged" or "what many Democrats call racist" framing. Good for you, NPR!

Then, on Wednesday, the network took its high ground and squashed that sucker flat, running an opinion piece taking issue with the newsroom's decision, but also framing it so badly that it gave the impression NPR is actually chasing after some bogus dream of objectivity and neutrality. Kind of hard to believe a radio network could be so bad at communication, but we are talking about NPR here.

The opinion piece, by NPR VP for newsroom training and diversity Keith Woods, is all over the place, insisting that keeping a "dispassionate distance" between facts and value judgments is the "fragile line that separates the profession from the rancid, institution-debasing cesspool that is today's politics."

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Right Wing Extremism

Could We Maybe Not Have Actual Nazi Richard Spencer Opining About Racism On CNN?

Is this really that big of an ask?

Yesterday, during a segment on The Lead with Jake Tapper, audiences were treated (?) to a segment about how thrilled white supremacists were by Donald Trump's recent slew of racist tweets about Ilhan Omar, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Rashida Tlaib and Ayanna Pressley.

This segment would have been a perfectly fine thing to do — good, even! — had they not capped it off with a completely unnecessary interview with neo-Nazi Richard Spencer. All decked out in his Sunday best, because "optics," Spencer shared that not all white supremacists were thrilled by these tweets. In his opinion, Spencer explained, Trump throws "red meat" out to racists, and then doesn't even kick all of the people of color out of the country or whatever it is that assholes like him want. It wasn't the high quality racism he was hoping for, but rather the kind of racism espoused by a drunk racist uncle when he is yelling during Hannity.

There was no pushback whatsoever. It was just "Here is a Nazi" — excuse me, white nationalist — "in a suit and tie, sharing his opinion on this matter."

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News

Wonkette Stole This Samantha Bee Interview With Tammy Duckworth Before It Could Even Air!

RUDE.

You know how Rachel Maddow loves yr Wonkette? Well apparently Samantha Bee does too, or else a new comms employee does and will MAYBE get SHITCANNED for it! (Don't get shitcanned, do keep sending us exclusive Samantha Bee segments before they air!)

In tonight's television episode, which we bring you here now (or at least the relevant portion thereof), Sam interviews kickass Senator Tammy Duckworth of Illinois; it's framed as part of a show-within-a-show, because why just do "an interview" when you can also make fun of the conventions of dopey late-night interview shows, not that they're naming any particular targets. Sam's hunky husband, Jason Jones, could not possibly be mocking any sidekick figures from the history of talk shows, that's for sure, hey-oooooh.

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Russia

Roger Stone Violates Gag Order, Blames FBI, Deep State, DNC

That jacket is the crime!

Roger Stone is one lucky sumbitch. Despite his flagrantly violating a gag order for months on end, Judge Amy Berman Jackson let him go home and sleep in his own bed last night. She did order him not to speak about his case publicly and barred him from social media entirely, saying, "defendant may not post or communicate on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook in any way on any subject." Sadly, the public will be deprived of sartorial advice from the Men's Fashion Correspondent for the Daily Caller. Hint: What Would Secretariat Wear?

The hearing got off to a rocky start for Stone, with his lawyers doggedly trying to persuade Judge Jackson that the search warrant on Stone's home was ILLEGAL because actually Russia never hacked the DNC. If you say it slowly out loud to yourself -- the DNC hack was an inside job, it's all a Deep State conspiracy, Wiiiiiiitch Huuuuuuuunt -- it still makes no goddamn sense. Because Stone was indicted for lying to Congress, obstruction, and witness tampering, not conspiring with Russia. Although he was in contact with Guccifer 2.0 and Russia's favorite cutout, Wikileaks.

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Media/Entertainment

Karen Tumulty Wants Obama To Stop Goofing Off, Save Us From Trump RIGHT NOW

People keep forgetting Obama's not the president anymore.

When an op-ed begins with "an open letter to Barack Obama," you know you're getting screwed. Karen Tumulty at the Washington Post believes these dark times demand a leader who can "lift us up again." Instead of visiting the website for one of the two dozen Democrats running for president, Tumulty wants to draft Obama, who we feel it necessary to remind you is no longer president of anything.

TUMULTY: Mr. President, it is time. You must speak. Your country needs you.

Seriously, Obama is not the president anymore. He prepared for this eventuality by straight-up begging you fools to vote for Hillary Clinton. He made no secret about how awful he thought Donald Trump would be as president. Why should he leave a comfortable, well-earned retirement because a majority of white people refused to listen? George W. Bush tanked the economy and got to spend his post-presidency finger painting while the poor saps whose retirement savings went up in smoke had to start working at Wal-Mart. [Why Stephen is using this as a point is beyond me: EVEN REPUBLICANS DIDN'T WANT W BACK, FOR THE REASON HE JUST SAID. Fucking Stephen! -- Ed.]

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Featured

Ben Shapiro Pretty Sure Black Lady James Bond Not The James Bond Ben Shapiro Likes To Fap To

If you wanted to be creeped out by Ben Shapiro this morning, you are so lucky!

Y'all hear there's gonna reportedly be a new 007 in town, and HER name is Lashana Lynch? That's right, not only is the new 007 going to be a lady, it is going to be a black lady. (She won't necessarily be specifically playing a character named "James Bond," according to the news. But she will definitely be 007.)

Ben Shapiro has feelings about that. Like, yeah, of course he does.

When it comes to the seduction of women!

When it comes to the seduction of women!

When it comes to the seduction of women!

Oh fiddlesticks, that is not the full clip we wanted you to see. It's just a looped video of Shapiro saying one little part of his whole speech over and over again: "When it comes to the seduction of women!" If you don't feel like watching the full video below, you can rest assured that the loop above is sufficient, especially the way young Shapiro's voice cracks and his balls drop (allegedly) when he says the word "comes."

So anyway, SEXXX TIPS WITH BEN SHAPIRO! Because he knows of sex! Especially as it pertains to the beloved James Bond series! SPOILER, but it seems a lady 007 has rendered our Ben unable to think with his Little Ben, which is how he prefers to view the James Bond movie films.

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Post-Racial America

Candace Owens Has Seen Real Racism And It's Ayanna Pressley & Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez

The sister is dumb.

Candace Owens is the most embarrassing black woman alive. She's also desperate for attention. She saw an opportunity to scare up some this week when Rep. Ayanna Pressley snatched the wig off Kellyanne Conway and made her eat it.

Twitter

Nothing sums up whatever it is Conway's paid to do better than "distraction." It's her entire job description. She distracts from serious inquiries about the Trump administration's latest foul deed with circuitious doublespeak and outright lies. Accusing House Speaker Nancy Pelosi of having a "cat fight" with new women representatives is deliberating trading on sexist tropes to distract people from Trump's concentration camps. Pressley wasn't here for it. We love Pressley, but we actually like black people who are fierce and clever. Owens is neither. She called Pressley's tweet "ghetto, stupid and racist." When she reflexively dismisses black vernacular as "street talk," she sounds a lot like Laura Ingraham, who called LeBron James "barely intelligible." This is fitting because Owens likely fashions herself as a younger, dumber Ingraham.

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popular

The One Million Moms Having Massive Heaving Panic Attack Over, Uh, Toy Story 4

Culture war sobs aren't even about Megan Rapinoe.

The One Million Moms are being completely reasonable again, asking parents and other concerned citizens to sign a petition to tell Disney that they are mad about a "dangerous" and "controversial" scene they were "blindsided" by in the new Toy Story movie.

And how, exactly, is Toy Story 4 assaulting the virgin eyes of their young, impressionable children? WITH LESBIAN PORNOGRAPHY. And they will not stand for it!

To Disney from One Million Moms:

I do not appreciate Disney including LGBTQ content in the children's movie Toy Story 4. There has been a deliberate lack of mentioning this content. Therefore, families are blindsided intentionally by your company. Actions such as this make me continue to distrust Disney.

Wait, no, not lesbian pornography. Lesbian moms. Two one-second scenes of lesbian moms dropping their kid off at school and then subsequently picking them up. So easy to get those two things confused!

But then they have hot, steamy, sexy sex (probably scissoring) right there in front of all the school children????

No. They just give their kid a hug, and then ostensibly return to their cartoon home and eat some cartoon snacks, or maybe they run some cartoon errands or take their kid to a cartoon piano class. We don't know, because they are background characters that are only in the movie for a couple seconds.

And that, according to the One Million Moms, is exactly the problem.

At the start of the movie, when Woody's new owner Bonnie goes for her first day of kindergarten, in the background there is a quick scene where one child is dropped off by two moms. Later, the moms return to pick up their child who gives them a hug. The scene is subtle in order to to desensitize children. But it is obvious that the child has two mothers, and they are parenting together. Toy Story 4 is the last place parents would expect their children to be confronted with content regarding sexual orientation. Issues of this nature are being introduced too early and too soon. It is extremely common yet unnecessary.

Ah yes. Who knows what could happen if their children watch this movie! They might not scream in horror when they encounter a non-cartoon gay person! They might not be the weird kid in school who doesn't know that gay people exist in the year 2019!

The fact that the scene was so short, apparently, resulted in it not even being reported in the mainstream media as a national emergency, making it look as if everyone was just totally fine with some moms picking their kid up from school:

Some in the gay blogging community have agreed that the moment "was not groundbreaking by any standard" but continued to praise it as a "small moment of normalization," which is exactly why 1MM finds this to be so dangerous. It has not been mentioned much in mainstream media, which could appear as acceptance when really it was because it happened so fast. But the scene was included and intentionally not announced prior to the movie release in hopes it would be kept quiet to expose as many children as possible.

Just like a subway flasher!

In addition to the Toy Story 4 petition, One Million Moms is also currently hosting petitions to tell Teen Vogue to stop telling teenagers that abortion exists, yell at Procter & Gamble for a commercial wherein a young girl uses dandruff shampoo and then goes to prom with another girl, and to yell at Kroger for getting a perfect score on the Human Rights Campaign's 2019 Corporate Equality Index by sponsoring gay pride parades, and running ads during NBC's Good Girls, probably because they are mad about how awesome Retta is.

It may shock you to know that One Million Moms is not actually an organization of one million moms who are just really concerned that their children might find out that gay people exist. In fact, it is not an organization at all. Rather it is an "online project" run by the American Family Association, an SPLC designated hate group. All they do is put up petitions on their site that, as far as we know, may never even actually be signed by anyone.

[One Million Moms]

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Media/Entertainment

Paul Ryan Whispers From Beyond Political Grave: Trump Bad Maybe, Is That Okay?

Spineless coward is spineless.

Now that Paul Ryan has crawled out of Congress like an invertebrate abandoning its shell, he feels fully empowered to say slightly mean things about Donald Trump. Ryan got down and dirty with Tim Alberta for his new book American Carnage, the latest in a series of books that reveal nothing we couldn't already guess: The president is a deranged gangster and the Republican Party is a bunch of spineless sycophants.

Ryan told Alberta how happy he is to have traded his "power suits for a blue vest." He couldn't bear the idea of another two years with Trump and considered retirement -- that thing rich people get to do -- his "escape hatch." Ayn Rand's boy toy is a real profile in courage: He was set to lose his gavel in 2019 anyway. But grab some tissues. Here's Ryan on the current state of thenation.

GUTLESS COWARD: We've gotten so numbed by it all. Not in government, but where we live our lives, we have a responsibility to try and rebuild. Don't call a woman a 'horse face.' Don't cheat on your wife. Don't cheat on anything. Be a good person. Set a good example.

Zzzzzzzz.... sorry, we dozed off there. Can we skip to the part where Ryan's evil? The former House speaker wasn't a passive participant in 2016's Election Day horror show. He did everything in his power to help Trump win. Ryan might've laughed behind closed doors over how Trump was on Putin's payroll, but he still publicly endorsed him. He spent the general election bashing Hillary Clinton as a threat to national security with all her commie competence and shrewish mental stability.

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popular

Oh, To Be A Fly On The Wall At Trump's Internet Troll Pity 'N' Paranoia Party Today!

Imagine the spirited intellectual discussions!

Donald Trump is all set today to host a "summit" on social media with all of his bestest troll friends from the internet, for "a robust conversation on the opportunities and challenges of today's online environment" to sit around and whine about the ways Twitter and Facebook are out to get them and conservatives like them.

The guest list includes such luminaries as professional douchebag James O'Keefe, Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL), Sen. Marsha Blackburn (R-TN), a guy who makes memes and calls himself CarpeDonktum, YouTuber Tim Pool (who claims to be a liberal who just happens to think the Right is pretty much right about everything and yells about "SJWs" a whole lot), Ali Akbar (a convicted felon who recently claimed that Kamala Harris was not actually a black person), alt-liter Will Chamberlain (who notably promoted a hoax picture in which protesters at a Mike Cernovich event were smeared as pedophiles), Students for Trump co-founder Ryan Fournier, and QAnon idiot Bill Mitchell.

Conservative organizations like the Heritage Foundation, the Media Research Center, and Prager U have also RSVP'd, along with Turning Point USA, which will be represented by diaper fetishist Charlie Kirk and Benny Johnson, America's second favorite plagiarist after Meghan McCain's husband, Ben Domenech.

In other words, "the best people."

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Media/Entertainment

Mollie Hemingway Wants You To Know Christine Blasey Ford Was A Big Slutty Drunkerson

Terrible human being is terrible.

Mollie Hemingway appeared on Laura Ingraham's show yesterday and they had a "Horrible Human Being" contest. As usual on Ingraham's program, everyone was a winner! Hemingway, senior editor for The Federalist, is shilling her new book about Brett Kavanaugh's contentious confirmation to the Supreme Court. It's called "Justice on Trial" (no link) because conservatives like to depict the Federalist Society poster child as an innocent victim of a frenzied liberal mob, the conservative version of Tom Robinson.

The "villain" in their realty is Christine Blasey Ford, who accused Kavanaugh of attempted sexual assault. Her testimony was moving and credible. It was also completely ignored. Susan Collins gave a speech and everything. Why are conservatives such sore winners?

Last night, Hemingway revealed new "inside info" that blows the whole Kavanaugh case wide open. It doesn't matter that there is no Kavanaugh case anymore; he is a Supreme Court Justice, and Ford is still in hiding from right-wing nut jobs who want to kill her. Yeah, no one suffered more from all of this than Kavanaugh, who was at most mildly inconvenienced for a few weeks before receiving his dream job, for life.

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Immigrants

Tucker Carlson Manages To Out-Racist Tucker Carlson In Rant Against Ilhan Omar

Wow. Just... wow.

Last night, Tucker Carlson answered the question "Is it possible for Tucker Carlson to say something so appallingly racist that anyone would be surprised that even Tucker Carlson would say it?" with an appallingly racist rant against Minnesota Congresswoman Ilhan Omar. If you think you are so jaded that you cannot, at this point, be surprised by any words coming out of Tucker Carlson's mouth ... well, prepare to feel like a wee innocent babe in the woods again, because this shit is nauseating.

Said rant was in response to a recent Washington Post article in which Omar discussed the "racism, cruelty and injustice" she'd witnessed since coming to the States from Somalia as a 10-year-old refugee, and how her desire for America to be the America that stood for "justice for all" inspired her to push for positive change. That seems nice and normal and heartwarming, but according to Carlson, this is VERBOTEN.

Take a deep breath, because we're going in.

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Russia

​Sounds Like Sean Hannity's Seth Rich Source Was 'Russian Spies,' Ha? Ha?

THE FUCK YOU SAY.

We don't even know where to start with the rabbit hole that journalist Michael Isikoff sent us down with his newly released investigation of the REAL origin of the Seth Rich murder conspiracy theory, except to say that it was the Russians. It was all the Russians. The big fake story Fox News breathlessly pushed, based on questionable sources, seems to have come from the Russians. The fake counter-narrative to the conclusion of all US intelligence agencies that the Russians had stolen and disseminated emails from the DNC and laundered them through their cut-outs at WikiLeaks -- namely that actually the emails were stolen by a supposedly disgruntled BernieBro DNC staffer and handed to WikiLeaks, an act for which we were supposed to believe Rich was murdered by Hillary Clinton's death squads -- it all came from the Russians. (Fun fact in Isikoff's reporting: Rich had never even suggested that he favored Bernie Sanders over Hillary Clinton in the 2016 primary. Another fun fact: Seth Rich's job at the DNC wouldn't have even given him access to the emails that were stolen. How odd!)

And the pain and anguish the Rich family has gone through -- the harassment, the death threats, all of it -- that came from Fox News, the worst, most glue-felching corners of the internet, and the Trump White House, but at its inception, it came from the Russians.

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Cops Behaving Badly

Trump Idiots Know Who To Blame For Trump's Baby Jails: DEMOCRATS!

We watch the Sunday shows so you don't have to!

After Mother Nature pissed all over Trump's wannabe-dictator attempted hijacking of the Fourth of July, the Sunday shows got back to discussing the Trump-created humanitarian crisis at the southern border. Not the influx of asylum seekers fleeing from horrible conditions in Central America (made worse by Trump cutting off aid to them), but the way our country has decided to cage them in concentration camps internment camps ... um ..."happy fun time summer camps"? After a visit by a congressional delegation and the Trump Administration's own DHS Office of Inspector General (OIG) report provided video/photographic/written evidence of the deplorable conditions occurring in our name, it was time for Trump officials to deal with the real culprits: Democrats!

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