Does Gun Girl Kaitlin Bennett Hate America And Also The Constitution?
Seems like!
Kaitlin Bennett, aka the Kent State Gun Girl, is the kind of person that tends to invite a lot of chastising "Who?" and "Why are you giving her attention?" type criticisms. Perhaps because she is, indeed, so very thirsty for attention that she spends a good deal of her time posing sexily with guns shoved down her pants, dreaming of becoming spank bank material for a bunch of sad divorced MGTOWs. People have a whole thing about attention-rationing that I have never particularly understood, especially when the person who shouldn't get attention is this absurd.
Anyway, Bennett has had quite a week! First, as you may have seen, she thoroughly embarrassed herself in interviews with men she harangued to see if they would fall down and die if they saw a tampon in the men's room, and none of the men even cared. So unfair!
Bennett, of course, is a "libertarian."
Shut Your Racist Mouth, Fox News, Cory Booker Isn't 'Lazy'
This is as low as Fox will get ... today.
Cory Booker dropped out of the presidential race today, which is a bummer. What's worse is that Fox News had something to say about it. There are many legitimate theories as to why Booker's campaign never caught fire. I personally thought he ran a reprise of Barack Obama's 2008 "hope and change" that was fundamentally unsuited for this current moment. Donald Trump is president. The country is inching toward war. It's tempting to look for a sweet, charming bald guy to unite the country with dad jokes, but it ignores the racial and cultural resentment that put Trump in the White House. Voters want actual substantial change, even if those in power prefer we don't. People want a living wage, affordable health care, and a planet that won't explode. Their top priority isn't whether the conservative and liberal members of an otherwise well-off family can discuss politics politely again.
That's just one opinion. I guess we could consider other, more racist ones. Fox's Melissa Francis suggested Booker's problem was that he was lazy, shiftless even.
Kevin McCarthy Very Concerned That Nancy Pelosi Is Sabotaging Bernie's Socialist Revolution
Whatever you do, don't let this clown become speaker of the House.
Bernie Sanders is surging in the Democratic primary. He's leading recent polls in Iowa and New Hampshire. RealClearPolitics now show Sanders with roughly the same "betting odds" as Joe Biden. Brett Stephens is even warning the world of a socialist apocalypse. Sanders is a serious candidate for president, whether you like it or not, so it's a little strange to see Kevin McCarthy, the House Republican leader, feeling the Bern.
McCarthy stopped by Fox News Sunday morning to talk impeachment, and he ended up sounding like every Jerry Garcia lookalike I encountered after the 2016 election who complained that the Democratic Party rigged the primary against Sanders. I don't want to have that debate again, either here or in the comments. I just think it's odd that McCarthy's advocating for a politician he should (rightly) see as an existential threat to everything he represents, all of which is terrible.
Rudy Giuliani And Judge Jeanine Agree: Lithuanian Law Does Not Allow Pelosi To Impeach The President
WHO SAYS THEY'RE DRUNK, NOT US.
There was a fortunately brief period after 9/11 when Rudy Giuliani was hailed as America's Mayor. Those of us who endured his eight years as New York City's actual mayor know what a racist, authoritarian asshat he really was. If there's one upside to Donald Trump's nightmare administration, it's watching Giuliani publicly debase himself and urinate on his reputation while continually defending the indefensible.
Trump's "personal lawyer" (lucky Trump) Giuliani stumbled onto Jeanine Pirro's Fox News show Saturday. Giuliani contends that the impeachment charges against Trump are as phony as whatever was on his head during the '90s. He'd argued earlier this week in a column for the Daily Caller that no less than the Supreme Court itself should declare Trump's impeachment "unconstitutional." Talk about your judicial activism! The chief justice might preside over the Senate impeachment trial, but the Constitution grants the House of Representatives the "sole power" to impeach crooked or just plain horny presidents. A unanimous Supreme Court ruled in 1993 that it had no skin in this game. Chief Justice William Rehnquist stated that authority over impeachment trials "is reposed in the Senate and nowhere else."
Giuliani wasn't any more lucid this weekend when he repeated his dumbass argument. Pirro asked him how exactly the Supreme Court could declare a constitutional remedy unconstitutional, and Giuliani desperately tried to pull a legal rabbit out of his hat.
President Corleone Rebrands US Military 'Mercenaries-R-Us'
Trump will sell Saudi Arabia some spare soldiers if the price is right.
Donald Trump set a virgin bonfire in the White House Friday and Laura Ingraham emerged from the flames to interview him. She opened with a softball question about how much of a pants-soiling threat Iran Gen. Qasem Soleimani was before Trump single-handedly erased him from existence with the Infinity Gauntlet.
INGRAHAM: [Secretary of State Mike Pompeo's] concern is that people aren't understanding the imminent nature of the threat of Soleimani, and he was pressed on that today. He said there were large-scale attacks planned on U.S. facilities, but he didn't go more specific. Don't the American people have the right to know what specifically was targeted without revealing methods and sources?
This is the president's response in its original banana pants.
TRUMP: Well, I don't think but we will tell you that probably it was going to be the embassy in Baghdad. You saw that happening. You saw with all of the men, very few women, circling it and circling it very strongly and very viciously, knocking out windows and trying to get and they were close to getting in, and I called out the military. They said we'll have it there tomorrow. I said, nope, you'll have it there today. We're not going to have another Benghazi on our hands. And we did a really amazing job. I get no credit for it, but we never get credit for anything, and that's OK. In the meantime, we have the greatest economy we've ever had, a lot of other things.
But I think you would have had another Benghazi had we not acted quickly. That could have been stopped, and this was stopped. And we had our Apaches going there, the great helicopters, and they were dropping flares all over the place, and a lot of things were happening. They had acted real fast and everybody disappeared.
You Can't Even Bribe White House Press Sec. Stephanie Grisham To Do Her Job Now
Grisham fiercely maintains the integrity of doing absolutely nothing.
Donald Trump was impeached last month. Now, he's trying on wars for size to save his own skin... so it's a good time for the White House press secretary to finally meet the press after more than 300 days. Stephanie Grisham's had this job for six months and has yet to hold a single briefing for reporters. She makes $183,000 a year to go on Fox News every once in a while and complain that people keep expecting her to do shit.
Grisham started to feel the heat this week. Anderson Cooper explored the many ways Grisham is useless during a full segment of his CNN show. Author Don Winslow offered to donate $100,000 to charity if Grisham did her job for just one hour. Stephen King matched the $100,000. It was suddenly a telethon! Their indecent proposal offended Grisham, who responded in an email to Jake Tapper.
GRISHAM: If you have $200,000 to play with, why not just help children because it's a good thing to do? Donations to charity should never come with strings attached.
Back in 2012, Trump offered Barack Obama a $5 million donation to the charity of his choice if our last legitimate president handed over his college records and passport applications. This was a little different from Winslow and King's offer because they aren't racists who refuse to believe Grisham is who she says she is. They'd also actually come through with the money.
Burger King Used 'The D-Word' And The One Million Moms Are TELLING!
Well, the one lady who claims to be One Million Moms, anyway
For weeks now, various groups on the Right have been screaming their faces off about Burger King's Impossible Whopper. Mostly neo-nazis who think the soy in it is going to turn all of the men into women, on account of how they are bad at science. Of course, given the history of Nazis and science, this is probably for the best.
But now, fresh off of their brief success in getting the Hallmark Channel to momentarily pull a commercial featuring two women getting married and K-I-S-S-I-N-G, The One Million Moms Living Inside One Very Angry Lady Named Monica Cole have decided to jump on that bandwagon. No, Cole is not concerned about manboobs, she is very upset because in their advertisements for the Impossible Whopper, someone used "the d-word."
Marianne Williamson Levitates Out Of Presidential Race
The campaign that never should've been is now over.
Marianne Williamson's presidential campaign has ended its presence on our physical plane. This is devastating news for supporters of the "Orb Queen," who thought it was a great idea to replace an incompetent, anti-science president with another incompetent, anti-science president ... but with crystals!
Williamson announced last week that she was firing her campaign staff and would rely on unpaid Oompa Loompas to continue her long-shot bid for the White House. But you can't align the nation's chakras with negative cash flow. So, Williamson finally called it quits Friday.
From the Marianne2020 website:
Dear Friend,
I ran for president to help forge another direction for our country. I wanted to discuss things I felt needed to be discussed that otherwise were not. I feel that we have done that.
I stayed in the race to take advantage of every possible effort to share our message. With caucuses and primaries now about to begin, however, we will not be able to garner enough votes in the election to elevate our conversation any more than it is now. The primaries might be tightly contested among the top contenders, and I don't want to get in the way of a progressive candidate winning any of them.
As of today, therefore, I'm suspending my campaign.
Tulsi Gabbard Still Fighting 'Warmonger' Hillary Clinton For 2016 Dem Nomination
Tulsi Gabbard continues embarrassing herself and loved ones.
You might've noticed the hashtag #IVotedForHillaryClinton trending on Twitter earlier this week. People wanted to declare that they'd chosen sanity over what actually wound up in the White House. Donald Trump is marching us to a senseless war, as Republicans like to do whenever they're in office. Hillary Clinton tried to warn us. She didn't belabor the point. She often just pointed at Trump during debates and shouted, "Are you fucking kidding me?"
Some conservatives are claiming, however, that Clinton's Iran strategy wouldn't have differed much from Trump's. That assumes Trump actually has an Iran strategy and there's no evidence of this. His entire foreign policy is just a game of pin the tail on the dildo.
Elizabeth Warren Will Dance On Your Dumb Face Because She Has A Plan For That
Remember the famous Emma Goldman quote: Stop dancing, you're embarrassing the revolution.
Sorry guys, but Elizabeth Warren is flip-flopping and being inauthentic again. For one thing, we heard Goody Warren has been dancing, the internet told us.
There is even video evidence!
You are free to click around the bad parts of the internet and witness people saying it is disrespectful for Elizabeth Warren to dance while Donald Trump is bombing Iran or that she is being fake or that she is being "cringe," or you can just skip to Cory Booker's response to it, which is *chef's kiss*.
And that is officially all the time we've got for that shit.
In other news, Warren has just released videos and interviews with both Elle AND ALSO Cosmo, a day apart, like OK, PICK ONE MAGAZINE, FLIP-FLOPPER!
Trump Supporter Compares Him To O.J. Simpson, Which Seems Fair
Simpson wound up in jail, which is our desired Trump endgame.
Politico reached out to Trump supporters (again) for explanations -- maybe even rational ones -- for their unwavering support of the tweeting toddler in the White House. This has become its own unique brand of bozo journalism, and the responses were as absurd as always. One guy described the billionaire wife collector whose name is on several garish buildings as an "Everyman." That's almost a lucid observation compared to this one:
Oh, FFS (again)!Politico
O.J. Simpson, as you probably recall, is the former football player turned (alleged, I guess) double murderer. He's not a straight-talking politician who has no time for namby-pamby political correctness. He's just a sociopath who got away with murder. It's bizarre that Trump fan Keith Swartz would compare Simpson to the president, but let's try to unpack this. Chris Rock used to joke about how much Simpson's acquittal infuriated white people. There's a great moment in Spike Lee's Bamboozled when Damon Wayans's character "motivates" his all-white writers room by asking them to "tap into" their "O.J." rage: "How did you feel when the glove didn't fit?"
Hey, no one likes to see killers walk free, but way too many white people act like the Simpson verdict was the moment they "lost faith" in our justice system. It's as if they'd never heard of lynchings or witch trials except when using them as rhetorical descriptions for the suffering of powerful white men.
Republicans, Fix Your Own Damn Party And Stop Demanding Sh*t From Ours
We don't have time for this crap.
The Washington Post ran one of those op-eds I hate. You know the one because we're so close: A Republican who hates Donald Trump "advises" Democrats on who we should nominate to beat him in November. This strikes me as odd because Republicans couldn't stop Trump when they had the chance. They were the only ones voting and he wound up their nominee. More people already voted for a Democrat, Hillary Clinton, over Trump, but that didn't matter because US democracy is goofy. However, there are encouraging signs in the polls that we can beat the freshly impeached Trump in the Electoral College. I think we're OK, even with our crazy socialist candidates. Republicans set their own house on fire. They can crash at our place for a while, but we don't need to listen to their interior design tips.
But, fine, whatever. Let's hear what this Republican has to say. I'm sure it won't annoy me at all.
Oh, FFS!The Washington Post
Prince Harry, Meghan Markle 'Retiring' To Spend Less Time With Their Royal Family
Good for them!
Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, the Duchess of Sussex, are breaking up -- not with each other, but with the monarchy. They announced yesterday that they were "stepping down" as "senior members" of the royal family. Harry is the spare, not the heir, and now that his older brother, Prince William, has kids, Harry is at the end of a Shake Shack line for the crown. It's not like he's abdicating or anything, which I know is a familial sore point for the royals. He and Markle should do what they like.
The media is already calling the couple's decision "Megxit," because everything is Markle's fault. This is the joint statement they released:
Elizabeth Warren Goes On 'The View' To Ignore Meghan McCain To Her Face
Oh, THAT'S how you deal with Megs McCabe!
Meghan McCain was two clouds above nine on "The View" Monday because Trump had just killed Iranian General Qasem Soleimani for reasons he's still workshopping. These are her childlike words on the impeachment-distracting strike that might lead us to war.
MCCAIN: For me, when a big, bad terrorist gets blown up, I'm happy about it.
Megs smash! Flag-draped violence is good, no matter the suspicious motivations or potential quagmire-shaped ramifications. Democratic presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren joined the "hot topics" table yesterday, and McCain called out the senator for raining on her military parade. First, though, she tried to butter her up with empty flattery.
MCCAIN: I believe you respect the American military and respect our troops. You have traveled overseas many times. I just want to say that first and foremost.
These are three sentences that met randomly and are embarrassed by how little they have in common. Warren doesn't need McCain to tell her she respects the military. She's not the one pardoning war criminals against their recommendations or pissing on the memories of dead war heroes. Warren responded to this with a curt "sure," which was awesome. She could tell a "but" was coming because she was talking to an asshole.
Biggest Piece Of Sh*t On Earth Harvey Weinstein Charged With Two More Sexual Assaults In Los Angeles
If convicted, he faces up to 28 years in prison.
It's becoming more and more apparent (we hope) that one way or another Harvey Weinstein will be going to prison for sexual assault. He's facing trial this week in a Manhattan court, and just yesterday was charged with two separate instances of rape and sexual assault in Los Angeles.
On Monday, Los Angeles County District Attorney Jackie Lacey announced that Weinstein was being charged with raping one woman and sexually assaulting another there, over a two day period in 2013. Weinstein is being charged with "one felony count each of forcible rape, forcible oral copulation, sexual penetration by use of force and sexual battery by restraint."
If convicted, Weinstein could serve up to 28 years in prison.
I Don't Care What Anyone Says, Do Not Let Gwyneth Paltrow In Your Vagina
The Goop Lab premieres January 24 on Netflix.
Are you a someone with way too much money and a penchant for doing some extremely ill-advised things to your genitals? Well — I am about to make all of your dreams come true!
That may have come out wrong.
No matter! The actual important thing here is that Dr. Gwyneth Paltrow — a woman who has previously told other women to steam clean their vaginas and stick jade eggs up their vaginas and generally just built an entire lifestyle brand off of giving absolutely terrible vagina advice — has a new show on Netflix. In which she clearly plans to dispense even more terrible advice to people about their vaginas.
Here is the poster for that show, featuring a wee Gwyneth stomping around a giant vagina in bright yellow four-inch heels. The allusion is a tad obvious, but I'm into it.
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