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2016 Presidential Election

Roger Stone Almost Sh*t Himself During Jury Selection. And Then It Really Hit The Fan.

Night. Mare.

Roger Stone is shit scared. Literally. On Tuesday during jury selection, he had to leave the courtroom because of ahem food poisoning.

"I have Imodium in my chambers," Judge Amy Berman Jackson offered, after Stone excused himself yet again to tend to his churning bowels. But her generosity did not extend to slowing down the voir dire process for the defendant's tummy troubles, and by Wednesday morning the jury was ready for opening argument. Then the shit really hit the fan!

Roger Stone is charged with obstruction, lying to Congress, and tampering with a witness. He repeatedly told House investigators that he never spoke to anyone in the campaign about Wikileaks and the hacked Democratic emails, had no contact or go-between with Julian Assange, never tried to contact Assange, and had no communication regarding upcoming dumps of stolen DNC emails. None of that was true, as the FBI discovered when they recovered hundreds of emails and text messages with Jerome Corsi and Randy Credico off the Moron Squad's phones and hard drives.

But Roger Stone's lawyer has a most excellent defense to that one. See, when Adam Schiff asked if Stone had any correspondence with Wikileaks or a go-between to Assange, Roger Stone assumed he meant pertaining to Russia. It's like that game you played when you were fifteen and you added "in bed" to every sentence. Stone was mentally adding "in Russia" to all of HPSCI's queries, and so he had no "criminal intent" to lie to Congress.

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Media/Entertainment

Laura Ingraham, Baghdad Bob

This woman needs help.

Laura Ingraham was the only Fox News host to devote much (or really any) time to last night's election results, and boy was it a master class in bonkers. Now, she's flashed us some full frontal crazy before. She crowed last year that Andrew Gillum and Stacey Abrams losing their races in Florida and Georgia proved that Donald Trump won the midterms. But the Democrats actually "lost" those races. Democrat Andy Beshar straight-up won the Kentucky governor's race. That is not in any way good news for Republicans.

INGRAHAM: This is all very good news for Republicans.

Lady, are you serious? Trump won Kentucky in 2016 by 30 points. He held a rally Monday in Lexington where he begged his supporters not to "let a [Republican loss] happen" to him, because everything is about him. Now Matt Bevin ain't got no job. Ingraham's laughable spin is that it could've been worse if Trump hadn't "almost dragged" Bevin's bloated corpse across the finish line before, I guess, giving up when he realized "eww, this guy's already dead."

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Hot Mess

Sorry I Freaked Out At You Guys Last Night

This post is staying here till I can't stomach it a second longer. Scroll down for new ones!

Hey, remember last night, when I freaked out at you guys? Probably not, because I only left the comment up for about five minutes before I deleted it, too embarrassed at my WHINE and WHAAH and OUTBURST and PETULANCE and WAAH SOME MORE. But it was long enough for like 50 people to feel bad at the sulky shouty lady having a breakdown and SEND HER MONEY, for WONKETTE and LOVE. So thank you, 50 people, I will get to your thank you notes later, after ALL THE NEWS IN THE WORLD.

So let's talk about why I am having breakdowns, what we need, what I'm doing right, what I'm doing wrong, what I'm going to continue doing wrong because I can't help it, and what YOU need to do, because CITIZENSHIP.

First: I can't help hiring new people, all the time, like constantly. If I waited to do this until I had the money in the bank, we would never hire the people! And we neeeeed the people. Two more full-time staffers will allow our writers to take their time on SOME posts, SOMETIMES, like PROFESSIONALS; it'll allow us to have news for you in the morning instead of oh is it TEN THIRTY ALREADY AND I HAVE TO KILL EVAN NOW? Do you want me to kill Evan? OF COURSE YOU DON'T. Also, my therapist says I am impulsive and he is correct. But if my "impulsive" is limited to "hiring people you love and giving them fully funded healthcare so Elizabeth Warren can bone us," I'd say that "impulsive" is GOOD! :D

We'll be able to focus on all the things we're good at, and maybe SOME FUCKING DAY one of us will do a podcast, gross, ugh, how do you even listen to people YAMMERING ALL OF THE TIME. (Can you tell I don't have a "commute" or go to "gym"?)

Second: No, I'm not doing premium content for subscribers; everyone is equal at the Wonkette, and no animal is more equal than others. Second part B: I don't think ads are going to work. I had a brief vision of this ONE AD solving our problems and me not having to beg and whine at you, and ... it just won't. Not just because some of you mewled about that ONE AD which I'd WARNED YOU WAS COMING after TWO AD-FREE YEARS, and it HURT MY FEELINGS and MADE ME YELL AT YOU ... this is not a good apology.

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News

Cover Your Babies' Eyes, Donald Trump Jr. Is On The TV!

Hello, Diaper Don!

The unexplained medical mystery that occurred the first time Donald Trump attempted to reproduce with a human woman (that we know of) appeared on "CBS This Morning" today to promote the new book somebody helped him write. It is called Maybe One Day My Daddy Will Say He Really Loves Me, just kidding it is called I Feel Bad About My Face, just kidding it is called Are You There, God? It's Me, Don Jr., WAIT WHERE ARE YOU GOING, GOD?, just kidding it is called Triggered.

It is about the libs.

Wonkette has not read the book, and does not intend to, so in that way, we guess we're kinda like the president of the United States.

It was a bad interview. Let's watch it together and say the funny parts:

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White House

No One Told PT Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham She Had To Wear Pants For This Gig

People keep expecting her to do something resembling her job and it's so unfair!

Maybe we should cut part-time White House press secretary Stephanie Grisham some slack. Sure, she doesn't actually do anything, but she comes to work at least two or three times a week and gives a 110 percent of nothing. Unfortunately, the press she ignores isn't polite enough to return the favor. According to a report from Media Matters, Grisham has created an "information crisis" because of her refusal to give the media any information.

This should be a busy time for Grisham. Her boss, Donald Trump, is facing likely impeachment in the House of Representatives. There's a lot to discuss. However, when Newsweek asked her if she planned to clock more hours, Grisham just seemed bored and annoyed. If she wanted to answer questions all day, she'd have worked for the Riddler.

GRISHAM: I have not had any press briefings yet, which I have spoken about several times.

Yes, she's very good at speaking about press briefings. She's just not very good at holding them, which is the important part. I assume it was in her job description somewhere: The White House press secretary will from time to time talk to the press. She also keeps leaning into the"yet" whenever she admits she hasn't held a press briefing yet. It's like Ivanka Trump claiming she hasn't won the Nobel Prize yet. We have no reason to believe either event will occur.

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News

NY Times Op-Ed So Scared Of A President Nancy Pelosi Plot Twist It Already Killed Off Mike Pence

Don't worry, guys, she's never going to be president.

Nancy Pelosi is the only Democrat not actually running for president, but Jesse Wegman at the New York Times is throwing himself in front of her powerful stilettos. He declared in an op-ed yesterday that NANCY PELOSI SHOULD NOT BE PRESIDENT. Calm down, sir. There's no evidence, despite right-wing freak outs, that Pelosi even wants the office Donald Trump stank up. And if she did, she's no small-town mayor, crystal-waving kook, or recent heart-attack sufferer, so what's the problem?

Are men so afraid of a woman president that a serious publication like the Times is going to waste space fretting over the Powerball odds of Pelosi taking the oath of office? Yeah, that was a rhetorical question. The photo illustration for Wegman's op-ed is a closeup of Pelosi's heels like she's the femme fatale from the hardboiled novel She Slithered In With The San Francisco Fog.

Really?The New York Times

We get it. The lady likes to work the heels. But this is the New York Times not Shoe Fetish Daily. You should show us Salome's face.

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Impeachment

Kellyanne Conway Hits The Wall

It's your Sunday show rundown!

After Trump deployed the "League of Extraordinary Kiss Asses" to middling results last week, it was time to release the Kraken. Kellyanne Conway, counselor to the "president" and Ann Coulter's final wish on a monkey's paw, went to CNN's "State of the Union" and "Fox News Sunday" to do what she does best: try to sell a shit sandwich by "dipping it in chocolate and saying it has no calories."

Let's start at her first appearance of Sunday morning, on CNN. As Dana Bash began, it became clear Conway was gonna bring that same "powerful woman" energy she deploys when talking with female Washington Examiner reporters accidentally on the record:

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Media/Entertainment

Can We Also Vote For Kate McKinnon's Elizabeth Warren?

Kate McKinnon is a beautiful angel person.

Kate McKinnon is the just best, isn't she? In last night's Saturday Night Live cold open, she brought back her glorious Elizabeth Warren impression — which has already made my all time top three best Saturday Night Live politician impressions, along with Dana Carvey's George Bush and Tina Fey's Sarah Palin. In fact, if someone could make me a "Billionaires don't like me... oh noooooooooo" GIF, that would be amazing and I would love you forever.

ENJOY:

Elizabeth Warren Town Hall Cold Open - SNL youtu.be


Seriously, can Kate McKinnon just also run for office as her Elizabeth Warren impression? Because I would vote for that. I would vote for that so hard.

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fox news

Tucker Carlson Done With Pete Buttigieg's Man Stew, Talkin' 'Bout Adam Schiff's Big Gulps Now

GROOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

Few months back, Tucker Carlson grossed everybody out. (Yeah, just the one time.) He performed a one-man monologue with one hand tied inside his panties (allegedly!) about known gay homosexual Pete Buttigieg's candidacy, and, um, well, it got kinda weird.

Tucker said:

THEY WANT TO CONSUME HIM LIKE A HEARTY STEW.

EVERY LAST DROP OF BUTTIGIEG.

YUM.

About Pete Buttigieg.

He was responding to a comment from MSNBC's Nicolle Wallace about how Buttigieg is "Chicken Soup For My Soul," like the well-known line of Jesus-y chicken soup books. Tucker Carlson, misinterpreting that completely, went directly in his upset brain to dipping his boner in a piping hot bowl of Campbell's® Chunky™ and calling it "Pete Buttigieg." (Allegedly. Could not see what Tucker's boner was doing under the desk, and do not even know if Tucker gets boners, on TV or at any other time.)

Our point is that Tucker Carlson has done it again.

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Media/Entertainment

David Brooks Thought *Very Carefully* Before Deciding Impeachment A Waste Of Time

Democrats should just impeach Trump before the holidays so we can move on to our Christmas shopping.

New York Times columnist David Brooks thinks we need to just impeach Trump already and "move on." The president's gross corruption and lawlessness are apparently just a "distraction" from more important things, like ending the "immoral" practice of tipping underpaid wait staff.

Brooks admits that Trump is probably guilty, but he believes impeachment is ultimately a wasted effort because the necessary number of Republican senators will never vote to remove Trump. He's still too popular with Republican voters, who are the worst despite what Ellen DeGeneres tells you. He's resigned to what he considers an incontrovertible truth rather than even mildly concerned that Republicans defiantly prioritize their own political power over the nation's moral integrity. This is somehow Democrats' fault.

"In the first place, Democrats have not won widespread public support. Nancy Pelosi always said impeachment works only if there's a bipartisan groundswell, and so far there is not."

Democrats will never convince Americans their president shouldn't be a crook. Brooks knows this because he's visited "real America" in his space ship.

"I've been traveling pretty constantly since this impeachment thing got going."

Money well spent, New York Times! You fired your copy editors but can afford to send Lord Kitchener on his imperial adventures through the heartland.

"I've been to a bunch of blue states and a bunch of red states (including Kansas, Missouri, North Carolina, Tennessee, Texas and Utah)."

You've been everywhere, man.

"In coastal blue states, impeachment comes up in conversation all the time. In red states, it never comes up; ask people in red states if they've been talking about it with their friends, they shrug and reply no, not really."

Brooks is obviously only speaking to white people. A lot of black people live in red states, especially North Carolina (21 percent) and Tennessee (16.79 percent). More than 80 percent of black voters want Trump repealed and replaced. It's highly unlikely that Brooks visited a barber shop or beauty salon and got only shrugs when he asked about impeachment. Brooks probably just stopped at the OK Corral Shooting Range where the targets are all shaped like Nancy Pelosi, Barack Obama, and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. Now, if those guys aren't actually talking about impeachment or threatening to start another Civil War if Trump's removed, then there's little risk of electoral disaster for Democrats if they uphold the rule of law. But that's not the point, I guess. Brooks insists that no one important cares about impeachment.

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Media/Entertainment

STICK TO SPORPS

Who killed Deadspin? Start with the dumb idiot jackal frat boy owners.

You know who is not a sports person? Any of the employees at this mommyblog, Wonkette, except Evan, sort of, when he feels like it. You know who else is not a sports person? Many of the people who read Deadspin every day, a supposed sports website that they will never read again.

People of the Internet are probably already familiar with this week's events at Deadspin. After shuttering Deadspin's politics-focused sister site Splinter News just three weeks ago for nobody knows why, new idiot owners told Deadspin to stick to sports; they absolutely did not; new idiot owners fired the top editor remaining; everyone else waved a giant middle finger at new idiot owners on the way out the door.

This is a hallowed tradition in alternative media, but Deadspin, while originally a Gawker site (as was your Wonkette before they sold it to the guy who sold it to us), is no longer alternative media. It was purchased recently from Univision by some stable geniuses who installed a Forbes guy, who installed his own Forbes guys, who sat around with their thumbs up their asses while the people who actually did the work left the company because they were women and/or people of color.

Never think a hedge fund is going to save you.

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Media/Entertainment

Meghan McCain Gives Cory Booker Rest Of What's Left Of Her Mind

Cory Booker tries to play nice with the worst woman on television.

Because no one in the Wonkette comments demanded it, let's check in on Meghan McCain. In case you didn't know, she's the daughter of the late Senator John McCain, and boasts the inflated self-importance of the daughter of two-term President John McCain.

Senator Cory Booker was today's unfortunate political guest on "The View." Megs complimented him on his even-tempered, highly civil, bipartisan acceptance that Republicans would never let him do anything as president.

MCCAIN: One of the things that I liked that you have said is that 'Medicare For All' is unrealistic right now, given that it will never pass.

Damn right! It's "unrealistic" to advocate for anything Republican donors don't like. Democrats shouldn't even put on underwear because Republicans will just give them wedgies. Going commando is the consensus choice.

But there's trouble in paradise. Booker still has remnants of a human spine. He thinks it's "defeatist" for Democrats to let the gun lobby control the narrative on gun safety. He supports an assault weapon ban, as well as a buyback program and mandatory turnover. McCain doesn't want big government interfering with her constitutional right to get wasted on Jell-O shots and shoot hobos guns on her property.

MCCAIN: You do support mandatory gun buybacks. When I heard you and Beto saying that, to me, that's like a left-wing fever dream.

Beto O'Rourke's a former congressman and presidential candidate, and McCain is using his first name like they were in band together. Who does the Duchess of Arizona think she ... oh right.

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Elections

George Papadopoulos Throws Douchey Hat In Ring For Katie Hill's Seat, Sure What The Hell

Don't let the joke candidate distract you from the GOP's attempt to flip back Katie Hill's seat.

Katie Hill has resigned from Congress after a calculated and vicious smear campaign. Republicans are hoping to reclaim her seat representing California's 25th congressional district, and (more or less) serious contenders have wasted no time launching campaigns. There's Mike Garcia, who was a vocal Hill critic, and Angela Underwood-Jacob, who breakdanced on Hill's political grave before it was even dug. Former Rep. Steve Knight, who Hill defeated last year, is considering running again. One man's revenge porn is another man's career opportunity.

Republicans denounced Hill for her "unethical" behavior, which involved a consensual sexual relationship with a former campaign staffer. So it's fitting that one of the Republican challengers for her now vacant seat is someone who's broken actual laws. Trump 2016 campaign adviser George Papadopoulos, who spent 14 whole days in prison for lying to the FBI, filed the paperwork yesterday to run for Congress in California's 25th.

Yes, this asshole:

If you look closely at the photo he retweeted from his wife, you'll see that he's wearing black loafers without socks, which is part of the official douchebag uniform.

Papadopoulos was arrested in 2017 for lying to the FBI about his contacts with mysterious perfessers promising Russian dirt on Hillary Clinton. Pap served a Felicity Huffman and some change in federal prison. Upon his release, he threatened to run for elected office.

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Right Wing Extremism

Fox News A-Holes Did Not Say What Fox News A-Holes Said About Lt. Col. Vindman, You Shut Your Mouth!

Is this what shame looks like? Hahahahahaha, dummy, these fuckers have no shame.

We guess that mild tut-tutting from the likes of Liz Cheney and John Thune, combined with whatever off-the-record conversations took place on Tuesday in secret Republican cloakrooms and boner dungeons, had their desired effect! People seemed to be truly appalled by the Fox News attacks on Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman, which led Republicans to discover their souls for the first time ever quickly realize that attacking an American patriot with a Purple Heart who showed up to Congress in full military regalia was not a good look. And that is why all the assholes who attacked Vindman Monday and Tuesday are trying their damnedest to pretend they did not say what they said about Vindman.

Oh wait, did we say "all of them"? Haha, just kidding. A handful of them are trying to walk it back. The others are just stupid dicks, like Laura Ingraham and Brian Kilmeade.

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Tech

Oh Mark Zuckerberg Please Don't Ruin America (Again) -- Facebook Employees

Zuckerberg still thinks freedom of speech is the freedom to lie.

Facebook employees are pushing back at CEO Mark Zuckerberg's decision to let politicians (and probably Russia) post ads on the social media platform stating whatever they hell they want about whomever they want to smear. So far, 250 employees have signed an open letter that's visible on Facebook's internal message board. That's a small fraction of the company's more than 35,000 employees but it's a notable chip in the wall.

You can read the full text here, but this is a key passage:

Free speech and paid speech are not the same thing.

Misinformation affects us all. Our current policies on fact checking people in political office, or those running for office, are a threat to what FB stands for. We strongly object to this policy as it stands. It doesn't protect voices, but instead allows politicians to weaponize our platform by targeting people who believe that content posted by political figures is trustworthy.

The letter details the obvious flaws in Zuckerberg's position. The Facebook CEO has tried to present himself as the Frederick Douglass of co-opted Martin Luther Kings of comedy and free speech. Like Dr. Frankenstein, Zuckerberg assumes everyone will thank him later for the monster he's created. He remains oblivious to how Facebook spreads disinformation from the powerful while suppressing minor voices (hi!) with arbitrarily enforced rules.

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Ukraine

If These Scumbags Are Calling You A Traitor Spy, You're Probably Living Right

Every time you think Republicans can't possibly be more awful and more anti-American ...

We touched on this in our post about Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman's testimony before Congress, but we wanted to underline some more just how disgusting Fox News and other Republican idiots are being about this man, a career public servant and Purple Heart, who escaped from the Soviet Union with the rest of his Jewish family when he was three-and-a-half years old.

You know, because obviously that last fact means he's probably a traitor. Yes, we are supposed to believe President Russian Asset, the godforsaken son of corruption himself, is just really worried about "corruption" in Ukraine, and that Alexander Vindman is the real foreign asset traitor person. Yep.

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