Surely it is a mystery!
Sarah Huckabee Sanders made her big debut on Fox and Friends yesterday in full-on Pitiful Pearl mode (minus the jaunty head scarf), whining about how terrible it is that so many other women do not think it was awesome that her actual job was to lie on behalf of a man who bragged about his tendency to grab women by the pussy. So much for empowerment, huh!
This came up, naturally, when co-host Steve Doocy asked if she still gets people coming up to her and saying terrible things and asking her to leave their restaurants all the time.
Is it performance art? Is it pica?
If there is one thing that Laura "The Marina Abramovic of the Right" Ingraham is tired of, it is liberals like us going around telling her that she should not eat light bulbs or drink steak with a straw. It's all she ever hears! "Hey Laura, don't chew glass!", "Hey Laura, a steak cannot actually fit through a straw. Maybe put it in a blender first, if this is something you are committed to doing?" But Laura is not going to let us keep her down or tell her what she can and cannot eat. Which is why, we have to assume, she decided last night on her show to attempt to eat a dinner of steak and light bulbs through a straw.
Naturally, she included a little trigger warning for those of us who might be too delicate for such an act of defiance.
"Okay. A warning, here it is, the ultimate trigger sculpture, kind of culinary sculpture, it has everything that Democrats hate," Ingraham said. "Steak, plastic straws, and light bulbs. And if I could have put an SUV on this I would have."
There can be only one.
There is much handwringing across the Internet as our old NEMESIS (not our nemesis) ThinkProgress announces fuck it, they're done. Most of the handwringing on Twitter has been to remind people that the tweeter in question used to work there, so it wasn't ONLY peopled with neoliberal corporatist sheeple from the Center for American Progress. (They also slam Neera Tanden a lot, but most of the journalistic "interference" they cite from ThinkProgress's umbrella organization, CAP, was either A, Israel yeah for sure, or B, the time CAP bigfooted ThinkProgress because they offended Bernie Sanders by pointing out he stopped saying "millionaires" when he became one.) Some tiny bit of the handwringing has been to remind folks that there is no longer any "center-left" thinktank-funded journalism in all the land, while John McCain's son-in-law Ben Domenech got fat and bloated sucking off whoever funds The Federalist.
While Wonkette would be delighted to buy ThinkProgress, Wonkette does not have three million dollars a year to cover TP's operating shortfall. But thank you in advance for suggesting it in the comments.
ThinkProgress is not the only website Wonkette has defeated. Wonkette has defeated Gawker. (Well, maybe some billionaire vampires did that.) (And okay, we guess it was "bought" by Bustle.) (Like Mic.) (They're both pretty well and truly dead.) (Good luck to recent Bustle purchase The Outline, we're rooting for you.) Wonkette has defeated your twee writerly favorites -- and ours! -- The Toast and The Awl. We have beheaded the excellent Videogum and the decidedly not excellent Weekly Standard and the not-not-excellent PS Mag and the not-not-not-excellent -- actually I've no idea -- Snowden archives, which the Intercept stopped hosting because its billionaire got bored or Glenn Greenwald needed MOAR DOGS. We've also noted with resignation, just weeks ago now, the passing of the often-difficult Shakesville, understanding implicitly her final post about the dagger to your soul and body of sitting on this ungodly Internet 12 hours a day, watching President Fuckhead fuck heads.
These are not the Cake we like!
I knew I was 46 years old when on the way down to the Cake show, we heard that song "Signs," and for the first time in my life, I thought, "maybe he put up a fence to keep you out and to keep Mother Nature in because a bunch of GODDAMN HIPPIES KEPT COMING IN AND TRASHING THE PLACE" and also, "WAIT, THIS WHOLE SONG IS BECAUSE HE HAS TO WEAR A SHIRT???? FUCKING 1960S MILLENNIALS!"
Sorry, Millennials, that might be the unfairest I have ever been to you, who would literally not be born for another decade-plus, and I'm a real dick to you guys sometimes!
Signs - The Five Man Electrical Band 1971 www.youtube.com
New press idiot Stephanie Grisham is definitely #BeBest right now.
Right this very second, we imagine journalists like Ashley Parker and Maggie Haberman and Gabe Sherman are on the phone with White House sources, getting off-the-record statements like "You didn't hear this from me, but literally everybody up in here is ready to put His Royal Highness in a straitjacket over this All Hurricanes Fall On Alabama shit," and the journalists are like, "Thanks, Kellyanne, I will as usual not put your name in the newspaper."
Out of all the embarrassing days in the Trump presidency -- and according to calendars, there have been 958 embarrassing days in the Trump presidency -- this one ranks way up there. You'd think White House officials would be tweeting anything to distract from the fact that President Dumbshit McHurtyFeelings cannot let go and admit that he made a fuckup in his pants when he accused Hurricane Dorian of heading for Alabama, which has now led him to draw dicks with a Sharpie on an old outdated hurricane forecast map. They could tweet something nice and distracting, like "Remember, he's a Russian asset too!" or "Who's the president with the normal-sized hands? Not this guy!" or "Don't worry, we put the nuclear football at Nikki Haley's house in 2017." ANYTHING.
New White House press secretary idiot person Stephanie Grisham had a different #BeBest idea, and it was to double over laughing -- much like a hypothetical drunk who doesn't even realize she just got pulled over for a DUI, so everything is still LOL! -- at CNN, which made an oops in its graphics department. We should mention that CNN's oops was part of a story related to President Weatherfucker's weatherfucking, by which we mean the actual hurricane disaster that's wounding the president's pride and also killing people and destroying their homes, but most importantly the thing about the president's pride, obviously:
Grace Adler isn't a racist or a blacklister. Trump's confused her with Republicans.
Donald Trump named names today on Twitter when he attacked private citizen Debra Messing, who made our life worth living in the '90s. The bully in chief called the "Will & Grace" star a "McCarthy-style racist." Trump speaks from experience, because he's a racist and his mentor and hero, Roy Cohn, was Joseph McCarthy's right-hooved man.
Conservative commentator Terence Williams, who is apparently black and mentally stable, tried to make the #RacistDebraMessing hashtag happen early this week. Rudy Giuliani claimed recently that liberals "demean" the word racist, but he was just talking about how we fling it around willy-nilly to describe white supremacists, especially the ones in the White House. Messing however earned the racist title because she "promoted a message calling black Trump supporters mentally ill." That's a really mean thing to say about exactly 13 black people. OK, we're not being fair. The National Center for Public Policy Research posted about Messing's "disturbing tweet" and cited a poll from always wrong Zogby being even wronger than usual and putting Trump's approval among black voters at 28 percent, or less than syphilis. Trump actually enjoys the support of "42,000 black Americans." (Don't look at us, that's their math.) Why, that's enough perfectly sane black people to form a small town. We can call it "Trumpsylvania," where the official pastime is tap dancing.
Shut the fuck up Megs McCabe.
We understand loving something so much the thought of losing it drives you to violence. You should've seen us when they cancelled Desperate Housewives. Sensible people living in a society, however, might willingly sacrifice the thing they love if it would save even one life. Guns kill about 100 Americans daily, but Meghan McCain isn't interested in your gun-free dystopia. Yesterday, "The View" host set us commies straight on how beloved liberty-making assault weapons actually are.
MCCAIN: The AR-15 is the most popular gun in America.
McCain shares this factoid like she's "proud of that shit." Women's bodies are also popular, especially those under 40. Entire industries are devoted to women's bodies. That doesn't stop Republicans from trying to regulate the hell out of them. McCain herself is one of the Republicans who likes to get in a tizzy over imaginary infanticide. She once screamed on live TV about "punishing" doctors who perform a medical procedure she doesn't understand. She even accused her cohost Sunny Hostin of thinking "a baby born from a botched abortion should be put down like a dog or a cat."
Actual, non-rhetorical children have died or were orphaned in recent mass shootings. But the AR-15 is popular. It's the "Friends" of guns if you want all your friends to die horribly. McCain's little stat is misleading: Only 30 percent of Americans are gun owners, and the other 70 percent are afraid for our lives. Guns are a particular fetish for white conservative men who all think they see John Wayne in the mirror. But the Duchess of Arizona is here to warn us about what might happen if the vast majority of Americans impose their will on the gun-humping minority.
No but seriously, WHAT THE FUCK?
He's getting so much worse. Donald Trump was untethered to reality during the campaign, and the stress of pretending to run a country is clearly sending him 'round the bend into bugfuck insanity. All the adults have left the building, and Javanka aren't even bothering to plant pieces anymore about all the loony shit they restrained the old man from doing. The White House is Toadytown, and they're lettin' 'er rip! Should we colonize Greenland? Nuke a hurricane? Deport kids getting cancer treatment so they'll all die? Yes, yes, and yes!
They're "letting Trump be Trump," which is toadyspeak for abdicating their responsibility to advise the president for the good of the country in the hope that ranting like some dude on the median strip who thinks he's Jesus will be that secret sauce that ensures their boss's reelection. Russia, if you're listening ...
Hence, allowing Trump to skip a planned trip to visit our Eastern European allies so he could "monitor" Hurricane Dorian from his golf course and tweet mean shit at Debra Messing. Sorry, Poland! But hey, the President sends his congratulations on the anniversary of the German invasion and loss of a fifth of your population.
You guys. YOU GUYS.
Yr Wonkette received a cease and desist letter two nights ago. And it's from none other than our favorite black white nationalists (ALLEGEDLY), Gravel and Polyester. I mean Diamond and Silk. And I, A LAWYER, am just MANY EXCITE to tell you all about it.
This is a 'good' and 'fair' question that is totally not gross and racist.
Conservatives generally refuse to accept that white privilege exists, which is like architects not believing in buildings. Former Never Trumper turned Trump-tongue kisser Mark Levin decided today to go after Peggy McIntosh's "white privilege checklist." It wasn't long before Levin dismantled McIntosh's serious work with just two words, dreaded by unserious white people everywhere: Barack Obama.
LEVIN: Barack Obama has bought three homes. He bought a home in Palm Springs. He bought a home in a very wealthy neighborhood in Washington, DC [...] and now he's buying a home on Martha's Vineyard. Why does Barack Obama never purchase a home in a black neighborhood? I think that's a good question.
That's not a good question -- unless "good" means "racist." It pains us to admit this, but Barack Obama isn't the president anymore. It's been so long since he was in office Joe Biden struggles to recall his name. Can't racists find a more "today" target for their bigotry? We hear Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez used to be a bartender and Rep. Ilhan Omar's name is "Ilhan Omar." Oh wait, they are using them as targets for their racism too, OUR BAD.
Racists are obsessed with the real estate transactions of black people. This goes back to the 1950s when they'd set fire to our houses if we moved into the "wrong" neighborhood. Barack and Michelle Obama are rich. Rich people live in nice places. That's the whole point. Barack and Michelle Obama are also too black to get involved in that "tiny house" shit. Does Levin expect the Obamas to spend their post-White House days scratchin' and survivin' in the Chicago projects? (Also: the Palm Springs house rumor is bullshit.)
Jimmie Walker as J. J. on GOOD TIMES www.youtube.com
Levin is not the only conservative to object to the Obamas choosing not to live under segregated bridges in the ghetto. Carol Roth wrote an angry op-ed for Fox News about the former first couple's "$15 million house of hypocrisy" in Martha's Vineyard.
Unlike President Trump, who earned his money before taking office, the Obamas have benefited handsomely from their time in the White House. President Obama only earned the standard $400,000 salary when he was in office, but after leaving, he and his wife Michelle acquired a joint book deal worth $65 million, high-priced speaking engagements and a deal with Netflix. Now they are rolling in dough.
This is an absurd argument. Trump's family is actively profiting off his presidency. The Obamas were already successful people on an upper income trajectory before they entered the White House. We don't see Roth complaining that Paul Ryan bailed on the House of Representatives and took a high-paying private sector job.
As a capitalist, I am all in favor of people making as much money as they want and spending it how they please. However, this lavish new abode is quite a statement in hypocrisy from the former president, who spent his presidency demonizing everyone else's success.
Obama simply suggested that wealthy people pay taxes. He is himself a wealthy person who pays taxes. We know this because unlike some people, we've seen his tax returns.
Levin claims Obama enjoys "white privilege," but there's no privilege in mediocre white people looking down their noses at you whenever you spend your hard-earned money. Growing up in 1980s South Carolina, our white neighbors would often react with suspicion whenever we went on vacation or bought a car. There'd be all these presumptuous questions about how our father, who worked two jobs, managed to afford a trip to Disney World or a 1982 Buick Century. Were we dealing drugs? Oh no, they weren't racist! They were just concerned about their property values decreasing because of their proximity to an obvious crack house.
It's also laughable that Levin thinks invoking Obama somehow shatters the concept of "white privilege" when even the first black president can't advance past the first question on McIntosh's checklist: "I can arrange to be in the company of people of my race most of the time." When you're black and financially successful, you struggle with this conundrum. Living in a "nice" neighborhood sometimes means choosing to live in a less diverse area where white people might call the cops on you because you went jogging without a formal tuxedo hoodie. That's because -- spoiler alert -- America is racist AF and the racial disparity among "good" and "bad" neighborhoods is not because black people suck. We wager that the Obamas don't live next to white people who are all former presidents. To borrow from Chris Rock, some of their white neighbors are probably just random-ass "yank your tooth out" dentists.
The Obamas paid $8.1 million for their DC house. That's serious dough, but John Stamos's Los Angeles home is almost $6 million. Uncle Jesse never had access to the nuclear codes. We've also been lusting after Liv Tyler's West Village brownstone, which is decorated so in line with our personal tastes, we think we're secretly Liv Tyler.
Inside Liv Tyler's Gut-Renovated NYC Brownstone | Open Door | Architectural Digest www.youtube.com
Ferris Bueller and Carrie Bradshaw also live on Tyler's block, where houses go for roughly $30 million. The Obamas are practically working class compared to some white actors who made a decent movie once or twice. That is white privilege, and Barack Obama doesn't come close to having it.
Mark Levin can go fuck himself.
Follow Stephen Robinson on Twitter.
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Oh, yeah. We'll get right on that.
It's Bedbug Week on Twitter. Which is funnier than Rat Week, but less riveting than Shark Week. But don't worry, kids, it's still Infrastructure Week, 'cause that shit is forever.
After several days of demented ranting in France for the G7 meeting, Trump invited the whole gang back to his place next year for another fun week of pretending no one smells that baby made a big stinky. What a coincidence that an entirely unbiased team of Trump staffers would evaluate all the possible venues and select Trump's own Doral club in Miami to host next year's G7 gathering! Just goes to show you what a hater that Obama guy was for never choosing a Trump property to host any previous government event.
Man, they really thought she was one of them.
Allie Beth Stuckey is the conservative media darling who happily tells the geezers watching Fox News that young people suck and even their own grandkids are probably stealing from them when they're not looking. Her sole qualification to speak on behalf of her much-maligned generation is that she was the first person to snag the Twitter handle "@conservmillen."
Conservatives hailed Stuckey as the next Samantha Bee for her 2018 "satirical" interview with then Democratic congressional candidate Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. We knew it was "satirical" because it said so in the title like all good satire. Stuckey pretended to ask AOC questions about her qualifications and AOC made a fool of herself by responding with random phrases taken out of context from an unrelated interview. This "satire" was so scathing it was the last anyone heard of Ocasio-Cortez.
Stuckey took aim at some other far more successful millennials this morning on "Fox & Friends." Steve Doocy noted that last night's MTV Video Music Awards had "gotten political," which is disturbing new information if you've never watched any previous VMAs. Moroccan-born rapper French Montana dared say he was "proud" to present an award "as an immigrant." Actor Alison Brie added that "what's happening to immigrants in this country is unconstitutional and frankly disgusting." Brie's comment confused the heck out of Stuckey, who was promised no heavy intellectual lifting this early in the day.
She should never work in politics again. Ever. But she's probably going to.
We'd hoped Sarah Huckabee Sanders had gone away forever, never to darken our lives with her bullshit again, but she Just. Won't. Go. Away. Sanders launched a new personal website Monday, which Politico describes (repeatedly) as "sleek" and "high-polish."
Let's take a look:
We're a little disappointed that no one thought to buy the URL "sarahhuckabeesanders.com" and use it to solicit donations for the First Amendment Project. The landing page is designed as if Sanders believes she has a future in politics, which, considering today's GOP, is probably true, even though the woman has zero credibility as a public official. The featured photo is also misleading because she's shown addressing the press without her usual Super Soaker filled with cat pee. (FACTCHECK: she did not actually use a Super Soaker filled with cat pee during her few briefings. That's just how they made everyone feel.)
Never change, Brian Kilmeade, never change.
You didn't think we were just gonna drop this, did you? Hell, Tom Cotton is writing in the newspaper today that we need to buy Greenland, because he was the one who gave Donald Trump the stupid dumb goddamn idea in the first place. And we have a sense that somebody in the White House is hitting the "oh shit" button right now, because not only do we know that story, we also now know that Trump wants to nuke all the hurricanes, because he is a very science-y person like that. (Can't hardly wait for the next 700 leaks about what an unstable halfwit Trump is!) So it of course follows that "Fox & Friends," while mildly poo-pooing the idea of nuking hurricanes, also sorta has a boner for the idea.
A "Fox & Friends" lady (not the one who sits on the idiot couch) noted that aside from how nuking hurricanes wouldn't, you know, work, it would also "spread nuclear fallout across the globe." Steve Doocy stated affirmatively for any viewers who might be slow on the uptake, "And that would be the problem." Story over, right?
HAHAHA, this story is over when BRIAN KILMEADE says it's over.
This is now your open thread!
This is just a very good and cool music video from 1998 about how kids should not talk to strangers, particularly shifty looking men who hang out at playgrounds by themselves.
As you may recall, the whole "stranger danger" thing was a very big deal back in the '80s and '90s. And sure! Everyone probably should keep away from weird dudes who go to playgrounds by themselves and then stare at children while hanging onto a fence like they're Tawny Kitaen in a Whitesnake video. There is no way that is ending well! But as we later turned out, most of the time, when kids are kidnapped, it's almost never by a "stranger." Still, this is kind of a jam.
Don't Talk To Strangers youtu.be
I do, however, have some questions!
1. What was that casting call even like? How many people in this video were like "Oh boy, this is gonna be my big break! Playing an obvious pedophile in a music video PSA?"
2. Is the central casting hobo pushing the kid in a swing supposed to be a stranger or a grandpa? Is this supposed to be a thing where he kidnapped the one kid and then uses that kid so he can kidnap other kids? I have seen Law and Order episodes like that, so maybe.
3. What happened to this guy's career after he did that song? Do the people in his life now know that he did this? Is it something he keeps hidden, or does he bring it out at parties, Norma Desmond-style?
I guess that's about it! Anyway, enjoy your open thread and we will see you tomorrow!
He just wanted a Thank You, Gah!
Donald Trump is feeling salty again, and this time he may have a slightly legitimate reason to feel such a way. Not only is he having a month from hell, topped off by this last week where he legit seemed ready for the old 25th Amendment, but did you know A$AP Rocky STILL hasn't thanked Trump? Recently I filled you in on the goings on in "Trump Needs a Black Friend Land," where we discovered that Trump only has about five black friends, six if you include Kim Kardashian, but she doesn't count. We had wondered if Trump would be able to snag the elusive rap artist, but so far, not good.
Recall that Trump tirelessly worked his dialing finger to the nub, when he contacted Sweden, and told them they better not keep his black friend in jail too long. Sweden, ostensibly tired of pillow-talk with Trump, did the prudent thing and granted A$AP Rocky time served, and waved him a figurative "Bye, Felicia." so they could get that tangerine Deebo out of their hair.
Rocky, ever the statesman, was quick to thank his personal, and business connections for having his back, and expressed gratitude to his fans for supporting him. Guess what he DID NOT say? "Thank You President Trump" was not in the script Rocky wrote to wrap up his adventure.
Donald Trump publicly worked on A$AP Rocky's behalf to help get the rapper out of jail. Reportedly, the president's motivation wasn't entirely altruistic.
Let's be real. He made a few phone calls, and continuously congratulated himself on his altruism. Anybody who thought Trump was being altruistic needs slapped back to the reality the rest of us live in. Trump doesn't do things out of the goodness of his heart. What are you 5? Grow the fuck up.
I bet you can hear me laughing from wherever you are about this headline Trump is sure to spot in the vanity searches he embarks on in search of Rocky's "Thank You" that I think may not ever materialize.
This is comedy gold right here.
"Donald Trump Reportedly Wanted A$AP Rocky To Thank Him, But The Rapper Stopped Returning His Texts"
Donald Trump got ghosted by a rapper. Tomi Lahren, eat your heart out. You're not the only one who can get dissed by a rapper anymore. And Trump's fail is way more epic:
A source told Yahoo News that Trump was hoping to leverage the situation to gain traction with black voters leading up to his 2020 run for re-election. The problem with the plan is that now that Rocky is free, he hasn't been responding to the White House anymore.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA HAAAAA HAAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! LOLOLOLOLOL! Oh. Well, that's such a shame.
Five days after being detained, a "fixer" for high-profile entertainers reached out to Darrell Scott and Kareem Lanier, two of Donald Trump's most well-known black supporters.
I don't know them. Who are they? Please don't let them be related to or married to Diamond and fucking Silk, because honestly, I could auto-defenestrate at any time if I find out they've reproduced little tiny clones of themselves to ruin things for my own children later.
"The White House didn't ask for anything. There were no conditions attached, but my condition and Kareem's condition was that all I'm asking for you guys to do is say thank you," Scott said.
Hey, he gave him an offer he couldn't refuse. All the Don wants is a little gratitude, what's so hard about that? Why be such a rude, and utterly hilarious ingrate who doesn't even bother to bite the hand that feeds him, but instead whose silence calls bullshit on the idea that Donald did a muthafucking thing for him. Maybe this is legit how Sweden handles cases, and Trump just made things that much harder? Appears that may be the case.
But to let Trump Black friends number 6, and 7 tell it, Trump saved Rocky from the depths of Sweden's panopticon.
"I was like, man, you ungrateful motherf***ers, you. I can't believe you…. We didn't ask you guys for nothing other than for you guys to be grateful," Lanier told Rocky's attorney. "We just want you guys to be appreciative and say thank you."
Awwwwww! Does him not thanking Trump ruin everything y'all planned around that thank you? Oh! Are you mad?
I don't fucking like you www.youtube.com
Reportedly, however, Scott, Lanier, Trump, or anyone in White House have yet to hear back from the rapper or his team with the promised "thank you."
My God, how fucking weak can you be? You know, I am never one to lecture about things like integrity, honor, and being your best self, but I have to say something. When you do things for people because you want to help them, the last thing you want, or need, especially while they're still getting their bearings back, is a gratitude of any kind. You want them to be successful, and to not fall into the same traps that caused them to need you in the first place. When you do things because you want gratitude and black votes, you deserve to get your stupid punk mark ass played. I hope he does the opposite of thank you, I hope he keeps pretending you don't even exist.
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