We Need To Talk About Dick Van Dyke And His Collection Of Animatronic Dick Van Dykes

Also this is your open thread!

The Bernie Sanders campaign put out a video last night, featuring Dick Van Dyke, star of The Dick Van Dyke Show, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, Bye Bye Birdie and, of course, Mary Poppins, talking about why he is voting for Sanders in the 2020 Democratic primary. Some may consider this good news, others may be so furious about it that they will never watch an episode of Diagnosis: Murder ever again. Still other people might be like "Who?," but screw them, they are monsters.

The ad is a plea from Van Dyke, who calls this the most important election since World War II, to older people to join him in voting for Sanders. It includes a very nice moment of him dragging Trump in a manner any of us should find very satisfying regardless of who we are voting for, and a very cute moment at the end where the 94-year-old legend says, about the 78-year-old Senator, "I think somebody young like Bernie is just a perfect candidate."

But regardless of how you feel about Bernie Sanders, I am going to need to draw your attention to some very important things in this video.

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Class War

AOC Wears Fancy Dress Instead Of Burlap Sack On Television Show, Idiots Cry Hypocrisy

Can't wear that to a breadline!

On Wednesday morning, Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez stopped by The View to chat about Bernie Sanders and the primary... and can you believe it? She wore clothes. Like, actual human clothes that she bought at a store, probably. In fact, she wore a super cute purple leopard sequin dress that I am pretty jealous of.

Highlighting one tweet with 12 likes from a lady with about 600 followers, The New York Post did a whole entire article this morning on all of the "tongues wagging" about how AOC was wearing a fancy designer dress by Rickie Freeman, because of how she is a hypocrite.

Oh, for shame!

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Class War

California: 'Porn License And Registration Please'

Bow chicka BOW WOW.

A bill in the California state Assembly would require adult performers to get a business license and undergo a couple of hours of training aimed at informing them of their rights as workers. AB-2389 would mandate a state-approved training course, which would cover "information on reporting workplace injuries, sexual harassment, and sex trafficking," which frankly sounds like a good idea.

The exact requirements for the training would be developed by the California Department of Industrial Relations, with input from a board appointed by the governer. The board would be made up of "two adult film actors, three dancers, two medical doctors, a therapist, and a money manager" — and again, that sounds like a good mix of people to give adult entertainers, including webcam performers, some basic information on how to not be exploited by sleazy employers. Not surprisingly, the nice libertarian folks who report on the bill at Reason are worried that the heavy hand of government could do far more harm than good. Do you want porn to work as badly as the Post Office? Fortunately, no warnings of little-death panels, at least not yet.

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2020 presidential election

Tim Scott Predicts Clone Army Of Tim Scotts Voting For Trump

This is very disturbing news.

It's no secret that black people aren't crazy about Donald Trump. This is because he's a racist and we all know he's a racist. Republicans like to counter this indisputable fact with a list of all the great things Trump has done for us. For instance, the sun is still in the sky and fried chicken is freely accessible.

Tuesday, on Fox News, Neil Cavuto asked House Majority Whip James Clyburn if he thought more black voters would support the president's re-election. The esteemed representative from South Carolina was a firm "hell, no!"

CAVUTO: [Voters] are happy with the way things are going, including African-Americans. Do you not agree with that?

CLYBURN: No, I don't. Because I go to church with African-Americans. I live with African-Americans. I'm the father of African-Americans.

This is only first-hand information. Cavuto still demanded that Clyburn comment on his great white hope.

CAVUTO: You don't think more African-Americans will vote for the president than he's previously been given credit?

CLYBURN: Absolutely not.

That sounds like "case closed" to me. However, South Carolina Republican Sen. Tim Scott dropped by Friday with some good news for Donald Trump. He doesn't just disagree with Clyburn, but my brother from a very different mother boasted that Trump's black voter support will almost double.

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Tucker Carlson Has New Target In His Crosshairs, Because He Is A Stochastic Terrorist

Judge Amy Berman Jackson, please be careful out there!

Tucker Carlson last night demanded that conservative folk hero Roger Stone receive an undeserved pardon. Stone was convicted of witness tampering and obstruction, which are still crimes even if you're white and friends with Donald Trump. Carlson insisted that the person who truly deserves punishment isn't Stone himself but the judge who presided over his trial, Amy Berman Jackson.

Carlson smeared the US district court judge as a "Democratic activist wearing robes" and argued that Jackson should be impeached. Ever since Trump's justifiable impeachment, conservatives have wanted to impeach anyone, even a ham sandwich, in retaliation. (Remember when all of a sudden the GOP talking points were that the Supreme Court is composed of "nine unelected judges IN ROBES"? That was weird. I don't know if they were trying to make them sound femme or satanic, probably both.)

CARLSON: Stone's sentence was delivered by an Obama-appointed judge called Amy Berman Jackson. You often hear people say that our justice system has been infected by politics. Amy Berman Jackson is living proof that it has been. She's an open partisan who has so flagrantly violated the bounds of constitutional law and fairness that it's shocking she's still on the bench. If there's anyone in Washington who deserves to be impeached, it's Amy Berman Jackson.

These are, of course, all lies inconsistent with Jackson's actual record. Carlson's "proof" that Jackson's a "liberal hack" is how she apparently persecuted Rick Gates and Paul Manafort "before they were even been convicted of anything." Jackson revoked Manafort's bail and issued him striped pajamas because the prosecution accused him of witness tampering, which I repeat for the legally impaired is a crime. There's zero evidence Jackson was especially harsh to Gates. True, she didn't offer him a massage or anything, but this was federal court not a resort and spa that caters to Trump's corrupt associates.

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Orlando Jesusland Layoffs Mean No More Daily Scourgings, Crucifixions

Not even Jeb! Bush's tax exemption helped :(

The Holy Land Experience, a Jesus-oriented theme park that won a place on weird tourist attraction listicles for its daily reenactments of the torture and crucifixion of Jesus the Christ, announced this week it's laying off most of its employees. That means no more Passion Plays, no more spectacles depicting Peter bringing the Gospel to Rome, and no more educational Roman Soldier Training Camp for the kids. Romanes Eunt Domus, indeed! We aren't sure whether the big diorama of Jerusalem in Jesus Times will stay open, but maybe? The park's management says it plans to return to its original mission as a church and museum, and a diorama doesn't have a lot of moving parts.

The Tampa Bay Times reports the park is laying off darn near everyone.

On Friday, the theme park filed a layoff notice with city and state officials that it plans to eliminate 118 jobs, representing most of its employees, as of April 18. Those losing their jobs include 43 actors and musicians, plus dancers, media specialists, prop handlers, food service workers and support staff.

The layoffs didn't come as too big a surprise, since the park, owned by the Trinity Broadcasting Network, announced in January it would be ending all its theatrical productions and later said it was definitely staying open but also maybe looking for a buyer.

We bet that somewhere in heaven, TBN founders Paul and Jan Crouch are looking down from their $100,000 motorhome for dogs or their $50 million jet (it's there with them — you've heard of the spiritual plane, haven't you?) and crying at what's become of their beautiful ministry. Guess the audiences that made The Passion of the Christ a hit weren't willing to travel to see some bloody Jesus-whipping.

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President Klan Robe So Sad The Oscars Aren't Hella Racist Like He Is

Trump probably still thinks 'Birth of a Nation' was robbed.

It's easy with all the corruption and shredding of institutional norms to forget that Donald Trump is also a sickening racist. During his rally Thursday night in Colorado Springs, Colorado, the president of the United States went on an Archie Bunker-style rant about the Oscar-winning film Parasite.

TRUMP: How bad were the Academy Awards this year? Did you see it?

The MAGA crowd booed the very mention of the Oscars, because we've always been at war with Hollywood.

TRUMP: And the winner is a movie from South Korea. What the hell was that all about? We've got enough problems with South Korea, with trade. And after all that they give them best movie of the year?

The South Korean government didn't win any Academy awards. The work of an individual South Korean filmmaker, Bong Joon-ho, was honored.

TRUMP: Was ["Parasite"] good? I don't know.

He hasn't actually seen the film, but he's going to "pre-judge" its value based solely on its national origin. This is such an obvious example of know-nothing bigotry, it could appear in a children's pop-up book.

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Culture Wars

Oh No, Campus 'Terrorists' Did Terror To Kent State Gun Girl, By Chanting About Diapers

Tin foil hats and Kaitlin's coming / One Dumb in O-hi-o.

Kaitlin Bennett, that nice young lady who wishes we had a monarchy made of guns, is getting some of the attention she craves this week, after one of her signature efforts to show up on a college campus and make a damn fool of herself asking slanted questions went awry Monday at Ohio University. Students gave her the warm reception that we old-timers used to give Brother Jed Smock when he'd show up and start yammering about forrrr-ni-CA-tion. But a pretty big crowd gathered and started yelling mean things at her, and she eventually fled to the safety of what appears to be either a giant F-350 Crew Cab pickup or perhaps a borrowed AT-AT. Bennett and supporters in the wingnuttosphere have taken to calling it a "riot," and are touting it as the latest example of "the Left's" war on free speech. In various videos taken by Bennett and others, people can be seen jeering loudly, chanting rudely, and a few even threw drinks at the truck.

The Washington Post notes that

Campus police have said the clash was not violent, did not result in arrests and "did not rise to the level of a riot," emphasizing that both Bennett and the crowd were exercising their First Amendment rights. They acknowledged "strong language and allegations that some unknown person(s) in the crowd splashed water."

Bennett, for her part, has been calling on Donald Trump to please support the First Amendment by eliminating all federal funding for colleges that "harbor terrorists" — the ones who rely not on pressure cooker bombs, but on flipping the bird and tossing soda, which could get in someone's eye.

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Meghan McCain Thinks Democrats Did 'Piss Poor Job' Of Reminding Her Trump Exists

The Duchess of Arizona is now very politically correct.

Meghan McCain really doesn't like former New York City mayor Mike Bloomberg, who is currently shopping to buy a Democratic primary. Bloomberg was a fairly standard Republican/right-leaning independent for years prior to Trump's election. It's unclear where the daylight is between Bloomberg's policies and whatever's important to McCain. Bloomberg has presumably never insulted John McCain, a distant relative of Meghan's. I guess this is all about guns. Bloomberg is a prominent gun control advocate, and McCain has been romantically linked in the past to several well-connected assault weapons.

Joy Behar offended McCain Tuesday on "The View" because she's considering voting for Bloomberg if he's the Democratic nominee. This isn't a huge shock, because Behar has stated how much she wants to defeat Trump. She believes whoever becomes the Democratic nominee will stand between Trump and fascism. I don't know if I'd go that far, but McCain argued that if "Democrats don't take [Bloomberg] out, Republicans will."

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Alan Dershowitz Peddling Anti-Semitic Conspiracy Theories To Breitbart, What Fun We Have In Hell!

Soros? Really?

Has Alan Dershowitz been mainlining that trucker speed Alex Jones flogs over at Infowars? What the hell happened to that guy? Take a listen to this shit.

DERSHOWITZ: I have some information as well about the Obama administration – which will be disclosed in a lawsuit at some point, but I'm not prepared to disclose it now – about how President Obama personally asked the FBI to investigate somebody on behalf of George Soros, who was a close ally of his.

We've seen this kind of White House influence on the Justice Department virtually in every Justice Department. The difference this president is much more overt about it, he tweets about it. President Obama whispered to the Justice Department about it.

Love to see prominent American Jews promoting anti-semitic conspiracy theories about other Jews controlling the government over at Dead Breitbart's Home for Basement Dwelling Booger Eaters! It's such an out-of-body experience, particularly since he pronounces "Soros" like "tsuris," which is the Yiddish word for "troubles."

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fox news

Fox News: Don't Compare Mayor Pete's Marriage To Trump And Rush Limbaugh's Cheaty Slutting, NO FAIR!

Party of family values, you bet.

Rush Limbaugh has been married four times and was caught coming back from a boys' trip in the Dominican Republic with a bottle of mislabeled Viagra in 2006. But recently he has been casting aspersions on the YUCKY LOL GAYNESS of Pete Buttigieg while he and fellow wingnut Ben Ferguson said the most stomach-churning things about how masculine World's Ugliest Man Donald Trump is, and Rush was calling him "Mr. Man" and just ew. We were just really hoping they would put their boners back in their pants.

The story continues, though!

Buttigieg went on the TV this weekend and what he said should have put a lid on Rush Limbaugh, human trashcan, once and for all:

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White Nonsense

Candace Owens Says Bernie Sanders Is As Racist As The Guy Who Passed The Civil Rights Act

Owens says Sanders is 'Lyndon Baines Johnson 2.0' because she's really dumb.

Candace Owens doesn't believe in racism. She has testified as much before an astounded Congress that just wanted her to hurry up and deliver them the pizza they ordered. She does however believe in the imaginary form of racism practiced by liberals who try to pass anti-discrimination laws.

During an appearance Monday on Laura Ingraham's white power hour, Owens defended Mike Bloomberg from accusations of racism. You'd think Bloomberg has enough money to prevent Owens from "helping" him or even saying his name out loud. Owens argued that Bloomberg isn't racist. No, the "best" racist on the Left is Bernie Sanders ... because of socialism?

OWENS: [Sanders] pretends to be their friend. He lies to black America's face when he knows that he's going to be the one like Lyndon Baines Johnson. He's Lyndon Baines Johnson 2.0 who is going to enact policies that are going to harm black America for the next 100 years.

When she was in high school, Owens sued the Stamford, Connecticut, public schools for racial discrimination, but she also should have filed a claim against whoever taught her American history. If Sanders were to literally campaign as "Lyndon Baines Johnson 2.0," he'd win South Carolina in a landslide. LBJ is arguably black people's favorite president after Barack Obama. One of my aunts had a set of LBJ commemorative plates. This is because most black people have brains in their head and remember that President Johnson signed the Civil Rights Act of 1964 and the Voting Rights Act of 1965. That's worth a lifetime pass to the cookout.

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Damn Right Mitch McConnell Would Fill SCOTUS Seat In Election Year While Ordering Code Red

Mitch McConnell has the morals of a common Mitch McConnell.

During an interview last week, Mitch McConnell was asked what he'd do if a Supreme Court vacancy opened up just a few months prior to this year's presidential election. This was somewhat of a softball question. McConnell is the Senate majority leader and, when not running sham impeachment trials, confirming Supreme Court justices is a big part of his job description. What kind of a ragamuffin Senate majority leader would leave a Supreme Court seat open for months, collecting dust and looking all sad like Miss Havisham? Mitch McConnell, that's who. It's what he did in 2016 when Antonin Scalia defied his Christian God and died during Barack Obama's presidency. McConnell said that the "American people‎ should have a voice in the selection of their next Supreme Court justice. Therefore, this vacancy should not be filled until we have a new President." It was a fancy pronouncement with at least one instance of a "therefore."

To the surprise of no one not suffering from terminal naïveté, McConnell now says that he would indeed confirm a Supreme Court justice during a presidential election year, because Donald Trump is president, not Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton. Trump is a Republican and would nominate someone from the right-wing hack section of the Sears catalog. McConnell doesn't understand what your problem is.

It's been four years and people keep asking McConnell this question like he's some sort of a carbon-based mammal capable of feeling shame. It's unclear why people make this error. He's not even that lifelike. You can only eat wax fruit a few times before you're responsible for your own gastric distress.

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CURSES! Bill Barr's Plot To Jail Ex-FBI Guy Andy McCabe FOILED AGAIN!

And Matt Gaetz and Lou Dobbs are losing their miiiiiinds!

The howler monkeys of wingnutistan spent the holiday weekend all up in their feelings about the Justice Department not doing LOCK HER UPS to former deputy FBI director Andrew McCabe. They were promised scalps, dammit, and now all they've got is a rapidly softening rage boner disappearing under a belly distended by decades of Hannity, Budweiser, and the BarcaLounger. SAD!

On Valentine's Day, the US Attorney's Office in DC sent McCabe's lawyers a love note acknowledging the obvious: that they aren't going to be charging McCabe with shit, so they've finally tapped out and closed the investigation.

"It is an absolute disgrace that they took two years and put my family through this experience for two years before they finally drew the obvious conclusion and one they could have drawn a long, long time ago," McCabe said on CNN, where he is a commentator. But for the MAGA nutbags, the real disgrace was that the DOJ didn't charge McCabe with something, anything.

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The Fantabulous Lies of One Kellyanne Conway

It's your Sunday show rundown!

It's been a while but this Sunday saw the return of counselor to the President and what would happen if Tomi Lahren drank from the wrong Grail, Kellyanne Conway.

Appearing on "Fox News Sunday," Conway was determined to make up for time lost away from the Sunday shows, filibustering Chris Wallace for all 12 minutes and 47 seconds of her time.

Wallace began by asking what Trump thinks of the Justice Department's decision to drop the investigation into former FBI official Andrew McCabe, and Conway sped through the bullshit like an eager stallion at the Kentucky Derby (Bowling Green Massacre, Never Forget):

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Senator From 'Deliverance' Talking About 'Honky Tonk Woman' And Brain Damage, We Are So Confused

Or maybe HE is confuse.

Senator John Neely Kennedy, the thing what went to Oxford but who seems to want you to think he was raised by a brusque yet kind redneck alligator in the Louisiana bayou, went on the Sunday TV shows yesterday. And he said ...

Well, we're not quite sure what he said.

The question on "Face The Nation" was about whether it is appropriate for Donald Trump to turn the Justice Department into a vehicle for avenging his grievances, and specifically whether Trump should have tweet-whined about how unfair Roger Stone's recommended sentence was, immediately after which Attorney General Bill Barr very conveniently followed Trump's orders and issued a new sentence recommendation.

And Kennedy said:

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