Jared Kushner Is A Cheap Thug And Other Surprises From Chris Christie's 'Let Me Finish'
Spoiler Alert: Donald Trump is an abusive asshole.
Chris Christie was the first major Republican to shamelessly throw his support behind Donald Trump in 2016. There were supposedly great rewards waiting for him in a Trump administration — attorney general, chief of staff, maybe even the VP slot. They all went up in smoke and the former New Jersey governor has nothing to do now but pen his own Shakespearean tragedy.
Falstaff's new book, "Let Me Finish," drops at the end of the month, and judging by excerpts in the Guardian, it's a blistering smackdown of Trump's idiot son-in-law, Jared Kushner. This is truly stranger than fiction because fiction makes reasonable efforts to not be stupid. Christie seriously believed he had a future in the Trump crime family despite having sent Kushner's father to an Alabama federal prison for 14 months. People tend to hold grudges, especially if you make them go to Alabama.
'I Served Them Massive Amounts Of Fast Food.' Wonkagenda For Tues., Jan. 15, 2019
Trump gorges himself on cheeseburgers and pizza as his shutdown enters Day 25. Your morning news brief!
Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.
Ted Cruz Filibusters On Chuck Todd's Face
A Sunday show rundown so nice we had to post it twice!
Welcome back, Wonks! This special bonus Sunday Rundown is dedicated to Texas Senator and rejected Batman villain Ra's Al Douche, Rafael 'Ted' Cruz. Let's get started!
Although the Lazarus Pit does explain how he killed JFK & was the Zodiac Killer...
Appearing on NBC's "Meet The Press," Cruz lied and filibustered his way through the interview, and Chuck Todd, you will be so surprised to know, let him!
Shutdown, Breakdown, Takedown: They're Busted!
It's your Sunday show rundown!
Here we are in the longest shutdown hellscape in our nation's history, created by our tantrum-throwing White House resident. And the Sunday shows ... well, they said words!
We begin with South Carolina Senator Lindsey "Mint Julep" Graham.
Trump Spends Saturday Night With Judge Jeanine Screeching 'NO COLLUSION!' At Your Nana
This is hell, isn't it?
Happy Sunday, Wonkers! Is it snowing where you are? Are you stuck in the house? Let's beat the boredom with a little game called So You Think You Can President. For five thousand Wonkette NO DOLLARS: Are you a clandestine Russian asset who sold out your country to benefit Vladimir Putin?
...
... tick tock, tick tock
...
Okay, pencils down!
Was your answer more than two letters long? Congratulations, you go directly to jail! And take Donald Trump with you.
We Got Yer Internet Nice Things Right Here, Buddy
How about a Twitter horror story that became an actual horror movie? Also, some seriously cute quokkas!
Our new Sunday thing -- bringing you a bunch of stuff that's a time-out from the usual rottenness -- seems to have gone over pretty well last week, so hey, let's keep it up with the nice stuff, because there's plenty of unremittingly grim/horrifying content for the rest of the week. No, don't worry, we'll still cuss, because after all, this is Wonkette's version of "nice," fuckers.
In What Freaking World Is Swearing More Controversial Than Embracing White Supremacy?
This world, apparently!
Motherfucker.
Earlier this month, newly minted Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib of Michigan called Donald Trump a "motherfucker." Republicans were thrilled for an opportunity to test the waters and see if they had enough street cred left to clutch their pearls over such a thing given their election of President Grab 'Em By The Pussy. Centrist Democrats were thrilled for an opportunity to show how incredibly balanced they are by saying it was definitely bad to call the President a motherfucker, something he obviously is. Chris Cillizzas across the country cried out about civility and going high and wrestling with pigs. Or whatever.
This past week, Congressman Steve King, in the pages of The New York Times, announced that he was not so sure what was especially "offensive" about being a white nationalist or a white supremacist.
Tucker Carlson: Can A Rich White Boy Even Get A Handout These Days?
Tucker Carlson would like to talk to us about 'merit,' because that's how he got where he is in life, yep, you betcha.
Tucker Carlson's daddy was the president of the Corporation for Public Broacasting and an ambassador to the Seychelles. His stepmommy is a TV dinner heiress. He attended boarding school at St. George's School, an elite academy in Middletown, Rhode Island, which boasts Prescott Bush and several Astors as alumni, and then went on to Trinity College in Connecticut.
Anyway, Carlson would like to give us all a good talking-to about merit.
'I'm Still Doing It.' Wonkagenda For Wed., Jan. 9, 2019
Buncha bullshit about Trump's wall, but many other stories too! Your morning news brief!
Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.
VP Pence Says Ex-Presidents Talking To Trump Through The TV
So that's reassuring then.
Mike Pence is a gross fraud. For the past two years, he has debased himself for Donald Trump, constantly sacrificing virtue to ambition like your average religious hypocrite. Trump is a demanding master, though. I think he secretly delights in forcing his vice president to explain away his constant stream of lies with shameless obfuscation.
Pence was on the "Today" show this morning with Hallie Jackson, who confronted him on Trump's most recent laughable lie that former presidents confided in him their secret, forbidden desires for WALL. This is what Trump said: "This should have been done by all of the presidents that preceded me and they all know it. Some of them have told me that we should have done it." Now here comes the veep.
JACKSON: Which former presidents told President Trump, as he said, that he should've built a wall? All their representatives have denied that that was the case.
PENCE: I know the president has said that that was his impression from previous presidents, previous administrations.
Mr. Vice President, what you "know" is that the president has lied ... again. This isn't even your normal "you rubes look pretty gullible" political lie, like whenever Paul Ryan talked about the GOP health care or tax scam bills. This is an easily disproven lie. All the living former presidents -- and even some recently dead ones -- hate Trump and would gladly tell the world he's full of shit, which is what immediately happened. Trump had to know this. He just can't help himself. He's literally compelled to lie, especially when it provides the mental comfort of a "safe space" where highly regarded people don't think he's a gibbering idiot.
Pence's defense is even worse. He says Trump was under the "impression" that previous presidents longed for a WALL. It was several paragraphs ago, so let's have a refresher: "This should have been done by all of the presidents that preceded me and they all know it. Some of them have told me that we should have done it."
See the part in bold? Trump plainly states that a conversation took place between him and more than one former president on this really dumb subject. Maybe Pence is suggesting Trump was fooled by someone doing an "impression" of previous presidents. Rich Little visited the White House and went through his whole repertoire. He's pretty convincing, especially his Obama.
PENCE: I know I've seen clips of previous presidents talking about the importance of border security.
Starting sentences with "I know" while shifting uncomfortably in his seat like he's crapped his pants is emerging as Pence's subtle "tell" that he's also lying. I should challenge him to a high-stakes poker game: "I know, Stephen, that you've just dealt me a solid hand, so I'll raise you 20 Jesus dollars." Pence is trying to shift the discussion away from Trump's obvious and pathetic lie, but instead he raises the 25th Amendment-invoking concern that Trump thinks people are speaking directly to him from the TV set. That's probably true if he's watching Sean Hannity, but the majority of the time, the TV isn't participating in conversation.
JACKSON: That's different from telling the president, though, right?
PENCE: Honestly...
Nothing he's about to say will be honest. I see his 20 Jesus dollars and raise him another 10 Marys. Pence also repeated the lie Sarah Huckabee Sanders tried to get past Chris Wallace that more terrorists are coming into the country each day than tech bros moving to Seattle.
In case there's any temptation to feel sorry for Pence, please keep in mind that this pious, anti-queer and anti-woman sleaze has lied for Trump before he was even president. During the 2016 vice presidential debate, Pence ran interference for Trump and pretended he was someone else entirely, like Karen Pence did when she suggested pushing the beds together after the family saw Aquaman.
Senator Tim Kaine shrewdly quoted the Gospel at Pence regarding his running mate: "From the fullness of the heart, the mouth speaks." Pence just looked at Kaine like he'd reminded him to empty the dishwasher. There was zero enthusiasm. I don't care who you are -- if you start throwing Kander and Ebb lyrics at me, I'm gonna at least smile, maybe hum along. I'm not saying Pence doesn't truly believe in the faith he invokes so much. I just think he believes in being vice president more. Even if it means serving as vice president for the lead antagonist in Revelation.
Follow Stephen Robinson on Twitter.
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President Sh*tmouth. Wonkagenda For Tues., Jan. 8, 2019
Trump to make TV worse with prime time address, and the government shutdown gets worse. Your morning news brief!
Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.
10 Things Better To Watch Than Trump's Stupid Damn Racist Oval Office Address
Watch paint dry. It'll be better.
The man who calls himself the president of the United States has announced that he plans to hold America hostage Tuesday night while he talks about the "humanitarian and national security crisis" at the border that he made up in his stupid dumb racist brain.
There have been rumblings from the president's egregiously large ass that he might even declare a national emergency to get his stupid damn racist border wall, something he really probably does not have the power to do.
But will the networks say fuck it and run it live? We certainly hope not. First of all, it's just going to be stupid propaganda and lies, and that's not what our primetime TVs should be wasting their time doing. As of this writing, none of the big networks has said yes.
Wonkette would like to give our encouragement to the networks to stand their ground, by telling you 10 things that would be waaaaaaaay better to watch tomorrow night at 9:00 PM Eastern, including all the things the big four networks are normally scheduled to play at that time. All of these are WAY MORE CRUCIAL to national security than watching that dick vomit out word salad.
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Shockingly Claims Trump Is A Racist Based On Racist Things He's Said & Done His Entire Life
And Anderson Cooper is still in shock.
Anderson Cooper had Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez on "60 Minutes" last night for some big boy journalism. Top of the list of probing questions for the "radical" congresswoman was her feelings about motherfucker-in-chief Donald Trump.
COOPER: "You don't talk about President Trump very much ... Why?"
AOC: "Because I think he's a symptom of a problem ... The president certainly didn't invent racism, but he's certainly given a voice to it, and expanded it, and created a platform for those things."
COOPER: "Do you believe President Trump is a racist?"
AOC: "Yeah, no question."
COOPER: "How can you say that?"
She was able to say this by manipulating her vocal chords to produce speech. Oh wait, was Cooper actually wondering how Ocasio-Cortez could say that Trump is a racist? That's just stupid. Nonetheless, Ocasio-Cortez patiently walks Cooper through Trump's presidential library of racism: "Here's 'fine people on both sides' in Charlottesville. Here are some 'son of a bitch' football players. Here are migrant children in baby jails. This is just the first floor. Did you get a snack? This could take a while."
A Sunday Compendium Of Things That Don't Suck
Figured we could use that, huh?
Yr Wonkette has been fairly free of notable deleted comments this week. Sure, turgid love-muscle guy showed up after an absence of a couple months, but his schtick hasn't changed. So instead of our usual Dear Shitferbrains column, we figured we'd just bring you some stuff we've been reading and enjoying instead. Let's recharge our batteries, and then tomorrow we'll dive back into the horrorshow again. And, like, you can all recommend books and teevee and other relief from all the madness too, or at least you could, if Wonkette allowed comments, which we do not.
For Some Dumb Reason Ellen Let A Homophobe Come On Her Show & Beg To Host The Gay Super Bowl
Kevin Hart wants second chance to host Oscars for the first time
Last month, Kevin Hart stepped down as host of this year's Academy Awards after a social media backlash over homophobic comments he'd made in past standup routines and on Twitter. The general audience for the Oscars are gay people, women whose best friends are gay, and the families of those nominated, so an anti-gay bigot as host was probably not the best fit.
Hart apparently had second thoughts -- not about his bigotry, mind you, but about turning away from such a plum gig. Maybe he quit in haste, but he couldn't just show up in a tux on Oscar night as if the whole thing never happened. (It didn't work out for George in that episode of Seinfeld.) So, Hart turned to America's favorite harmless lesbian Ellen DeGeneres for a six-minute speed redemption arc. The whole thing was pathetic. Hart received instant and unearned absolution like DeGeneres was some corrupt priest a mob boss buys off with sizable donations to the church.
ONE DOLLAR, BOB! Wonkagenda For Fri., Jan. 4, 2019
Nancy Pelosi starts the 116th Congress off with a bang, and Trump loves Vladimir Putin's revisionist history. Your morning news brief!
Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.
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