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Meghan Dusts Off Her Dueling Pistols, While Bill Nelson Testifies With His Giant Snake

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Meghan McCain Twitter-biographerMEGHAN McCAIN has special maternal feelings for sexy senator LINDSEY GRAHAM (R-SC), who served with distinction as First Mate aboard the Straight Talk Express. The two were practically inseparable on the campaign trail, and during long cold nights, Lindsey would often sit on Meghan's WARM LAP as she French-braided his GOLDEN TOUPEE. But now Meghan's Little Lindsey-Lamb has received volleys of disrespect from conservatives for saying he might "vote Yea for WISE SOTOMAYOR-AY!" Are these smack-talkers prepared to duel Meghan, on Twitter, using TRADITIONAL FLINTLOCK BLACKBERRY MACHINES? Because that is the price they must pay, for dishonoring Lindsey Graham so thoroughly ....


Speaking of LATINOS! Actor-director-wrestler shard DAVID ARQUETTE believes there are many Latino women in the world, some of them wise, but others PLUM DUMB CRAZY! He learned this interesting tidbit while pretending to violently thrash a grown man in spandex with a PIECE OF WOOD ....

Outrageous reptile assassin SENATOR BILL NELSON (D-FL) testified before an Environment and Public Works hearing with a 20-FOOT LONG BASILISK delicately woven around the witness table, for aesthetic purposes. Gossip connoisseurs claim Nelson came across the venomous serpent -- an invasive species indigenous to J. K. ROWLING WIZARD TREATISES -- while tromping around the Everglades, stoned. And like an obedient Democrat, the senator promptly taxed the poor serpent TO DEATH and then aborted "56 eggs ready to hatch" from its mushy snake womb. Nelson celebrated with arguably the most delicious FLORIDA PYTHON OMELET ever, a feast of cheddar cheese and egg yolks exceeded only by ANDREW JACKSON after he slaughtered 1,000 PREGNANT SEMINOLE INDIAN PYTHONS for SUNDAY BRUNCH, in 1818. That's how the West was won!

Riley Waggaman's WAGG THE BOG appears constantly here at Wonkette. Send your hot gossip to the usual tips@wonkette.com

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