Melt Bin Laden's Face Off With This Awesome Doll The CIA Didn't Make!


When we were but a young Wonket, we loved our G.I. Joe's. Pew, pew, pew!, we said to our Joes, along with eeeeeOOOWWW! and sch-BOOOM! when appropriate. Back then, we had to use Cobra Commander as the fill-in for all of America's enemies, but had we been born a decade later, and had the CIA followed through on this one unbelievably stupid plan, we might have been able to inject some verisimilitude into our cookie-strewn battlescapes.

Hey, WaPo! Tell us about it, stud!

Beginning in about 2005, the CIA began secretly developing a custom-made Osama bin Laden action figure, according to people familiar with the project. The faces of the figures were painted with a heat-dissolving material, designed to peel off and reveal a red-faced bin Laden who looked like a demon, with piercing green eyes and black facial markings.

The goal of the short-lived project was simple: spook children and their parents, causing them to turn away from the actual bin Laden.

We have to say, having a doll with a face that melts like a Nazi's in Raiders of the Lost Ark would probably make your house the envy of all the other impoverished children in your neighborhood, while also making your parents hate you for getting that melted face gunk out of whatever you dripped it on. But still, SO COOL, right impressionable South Asian children?

And to be fair, a true-to-life action figure with a meltable face might indeed change some hearts and minds. Maybe not as many as, like, if your five-year-old eyes witnessed a drone strike vaporize your cousin's wedding, a silent and devastating attack out of the clear blue sky that destroyed everything and everyone you have ever loved, leaving your still-developing mind to wonder if this was the act of a cruel god or whether god exists at all, but THAT IS NOT THE POINT.

The point is that the CIA, for once in its existence, decided not to do something terrible and stupid with all the money we give it.

“To our knowledge, there were only three individual action figures ever created, and these were merely to show what a final product might look like,” said CIA spokesman Ryan Trapani. “After being presented with these examples, the CIA declined to pursue this idea and did not produce or distribute any of these action figures. Furthermore, CIA has no knowledge of these action figures being produced or distributed by others.”

Well that's a relief. Good work, CIA, you have learned well the lessons of truly stupid psy ops. Back to the fake vaccination campaigns, then.

Follow Dan on Twitter. He is a real American hero.

[Washington Post]


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