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Mexican President Fears California Will Ruin His Pot Business

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Wake up, West Coast dope hippies! If voters approve California's Proposition 19, everything will be ruined for Mexico's farmers, soldiers, and cops! Thus speaks Don Pito Calderone, the top narco-capo of theRepública de México who moonlights as a Napoleonic president. Here's the shocking headline from the Guadalajara daily Informador: "Calderon: Problems for Mexico if California Legalizes Marijuana."


Mexico's President, Felipe Calderon, said Thursday that if the U.S. state of California legalizes marijuana in November, "it's going to put Mexican authorities in a serious bind. It's going to put us in a difficult problem to solve. It's going to have an impact on the Mexican market, and I don't know in what sense, frankly, it'll have to be examined. It's really very difficult for a government to jail a farmer who is growing marijuana for sale to the Californians."

The "five families" have called a meeting to make you an offer you can't refuse. Don Santos, godfather of the Colombian syndicate, has a plan:

Other Latin American heads of state, such as the Colombian Juan Manuel Santos (the new president of that country) have also expressed their concern about the possible legalization of marijuana in California. Santos even set forth the option of a joint reaction with Mexico and Peru if that drug is legalized in the United States.

"A joint reaction!" Ha ha. But yes, if California legalizes it, the Latin American bosses will make you an offer you can't refuse, and this is it:

Oh noes, gente de Alta California, if you'll only vote Yes on 19, then Mexico will be paradise again! Peaceful! Happy! Drunk and stoned! And then nobody will want to cross the border to pick your silly Mary Jane crops up north. And then you'll have to do "the work even Mexicans won’t do." Better sign up the kids with a UFW union card, and hire the last Zapatistas in the U.S. to train them to walk a picket line and chant "Huelga!" and "Sí se puede!" That, and to sing, "Feliz Days Are Here Again." [El Informador]

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Lace up your sneakers, Wonkers! Time to hit the streets. MoveOn, the ACLU, MomsRising and all your favorite dirty leftists are getting together for a yuuuuuuuuge march to show that WE ARE A NATION OF DECENT FUCKING HUMAN BEINGS WHO DON'T KIDNAP BABIES. And your Wonkette will be there!

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Rudy Giuliani, flapping his loose yap to Politico on Monday:

President Donald Trump's attorney Rudy Giuliani said on Monday that he was actually just bluffing last week when he called for Justice Department leaders to suspend special counsel Robert Mueller's investigation within 24 hours.

"I didn't think it would," Giuliani told POLITICO with a laugh when asked about the Mueller inquiry's still being very much an active investigation. "But I still think it should be." [...]

That's what I'm supposed to do," Giuliani explained on Monday. "What am I supposed to say? That they should investigate him forever? Sorry, I'm not a sucker."

Cool, that is just Rudy Giuliani admitting he's full of shit and words and more shit and more words (and also a noun, a verb and 9/11). We are guessing therefore that Giuliani, who is a lawyer, would legally advise us to continue assuming we should take his every oral ejaculation with a gi-normous grain of FULL OF SHIT.

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