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I'm a CONSULTANT!


Pour one out for poor Michael Cohen, who is really, really bad at crime. No matter how much he practices, he always fucks it up. And he practices A LOT.

The New York Times reports that, 11 days before the inauguration, Donald Trump's attack schnauzer had a nice chat with Putin's good buddy Viktor Vekselberg about US-Russian relations. Did they discuss how super-awesome it would be if those pesky Magnitsky Act sanctions disappeared and Americans agreed to let oligarchs like himself access the US financial market in exchange for bouncy Russian babies? WHO KNOWS!

Well, Andrew Intrater knows, because he was at that meeting in Cohen's 26th floor office at Trump Tower. And if you're asking yourself, "Why do the names Viktor Vekselberg and Andrew Intrater sound familiar?" it's because we wrote about them two weeks ago in a fun story called Fuck Are All These Russians Doing In Michael Cohen’s Sex Payoff Slush Fund?????

Remember how Michael Cohen, who is also very bad at law, drafted that moronic hush money agreement and routed the payment to Stormy Daniels through a shell company called Essential Consultants, LLC? And after the election he got companies like AT&T, Novartis, and a Korean aerospace firm to send him money for "consulting" ... on how NOT to practice law, we guess. Anyway!

As Your Boyfriend Michael Avenatti pointed out, Cohen received at least half a million dollars from a company controlled by a Putin-linked oligarch named Viktor Vekselberg.

And then spokesmen for the investment firm Columbus Nova jumped up and down shouting WE AIN'T KNOW HER! This firm is totally separate from Vekselberg! It's run by ... Andrew Intrater. Who is ... Viktor Vekselberg's cousin.

UH HUH.

It's just a coincidence that the website for Vekselberg's Renova company listed Columbus Nova as part of its "Group" as recently as November. It's also a coincidence that Columbus Nova registered a slew of website domains gearing toward the very fine people who tend to vote for the Tangerine Mussolini. As $200 million investment funds do on the regular.

And in another amazing coincidence, after Cohen and Vekselberg hung out again at the inauguration, Columbus Nova decided to shell out a million dollars to hear Cohen's deeep thoughts on ... well, fuck if we know! Plaid sport coats made from Secretariat's favorite blanket?

Days after the inauguration, Mr. Intrater’s private equity firm, Columbus Nova, awarded Mr. Cohen a $1 million consulting contract, a deal that has drawn the attention of federal authorities investigating Mr. Cohen, according to people briefed on the inquiry.

GOSH! Wonder what Robert Mueller asked Viktor Vekselberg when he stopped his plane and searched his electronic devices in March? Bet Michael Cohen is wondering, too!

PSSSST, MIKEY! NOW'S THE TIME YOU TELL THAT NICE MAN MR. MUELLER EVERYTHING YOU KNOW!

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Five Dollar Feminist

Your FDF lives in Baltimore under an assumed identity as an upstanding member of the PTA. Shhh, don't tell anyone she makes swears on the internet!

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'Miga and Carlos' by Wonkette Operative 'Chica'

It's Father's Day, which means it's time for Yr Dok Zoom and his son to go to brunch and check out the downtown Boise Father's Day Car Show so we can ooh and ah over the very same Corvettes 'n' Mustangs 'n' lovingly-restored classic cars that are there every year, and I will probably once again point at the '68 Beetle converted to run on electricity and say, "Oh look, a Voltswagen!" Traditions matter. (Kid Zoom is 22, so I may also/instead meet him for cocktails later like grown up human people.)

Don't worry about any deep thoughts on the Meaning of Fatherhood here -- we're just going to enjoy the goofy side of dadding, which as far as I'm concerned is the best thing I've done with my time. Especially since my role model for parenting was the unnamed Dad from "Calvin and Hobbes."

As any fool knows, ice rises to the top of liquids because it's cold, and just wants to be closer to the sun so it can warm up. It's all in the book you get when you become a father.

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