George Snuffleupagus, the ABC News TV host with the hair, is breaking a hot scoop, which is weird because isn't his job just to sit there and look pretty and also didn't he just get back from Singapore? Oh, our silly questions! The point is that according to Snuffleupagus's sources, idiot Michael Cohen, the worst lawyer in America, the fixer who calls his boss "MIS-TURRRRR TWUMP," ain't got no lawyers anymore! That's right, they have all chosen to call in sick for the rest of Michael Cohen's case, and after that they are washing their cat, because who in their right mind would want to represent that idiot, who is probably going to jail for the rest of his natural life?

As attorneys for Michael Cohen rush to meet Judge Kimba Wood's Friday deadline to complete a privilege review of over 3.7 million documents seized in the April 9 raids of Cohen's New York properties and law office, a source representing this matter has disclosed to ABC News that the law firm handling the case for Cohen is not expected to represent him going forward.

Hahahahahahaha, couldn't have happened to a dumber guy who went to a worse law school. If you are wondering if this means that a very wonderful thing is probably going to happen very soon, you may be wondering correctly!

Cohen, now with no legal representation, is likely to cooperate with federal prosecutors in New York, sources said. This development, which is believed to be imminent, will likely hit the White House, family members, staffers and counsels hard.

OK, so that is what George Snuffleupagus's source says.

We hate to piss on your Frosted Flakes right now, but the Wall Street Journal says hey, not so fast, Snuffleupagus, because they have a wildly different interpretation of the same information. According to WSJ, Cohen's lawyers, Stephen Ryan, Todd Harrison "and others" from McDermott, Will & Emery LLP will officially quit after they are done going through the 3.7 million documents the FBI seized from Cohen to make sure they're not full of attorney-client privilege. Based on the batch that's been released so far, and the scientific fact that MICHAEL COHEN ISN'T A REAL LAWYER, that should take approximately 12 more minutes.

WSJ also doesn't say Cohen is probably about to flip, but that he's actively searching for new lawyers dumb enough to sully their professional reputations by taking him on as a client:

Mr. Cohen doesn't yet have a replacement law firm but is searching for a federal criminal lawyer in New York, people familiar with the matter said. Mr. Cohen wants to hire a lawyer with close ties to the Manhattan U.S. attorney's office, the people said.

Mr. Cohen hasn't yet decided whether he will cooperate with prosecutors in the case, according to one of those people.

God, Michael Cohen, you stinky idiot. Just fucking flip on your old boss MIS-TURRR TWUMP. He doesn't actually love you, because what he wants right now is a "Roy Cohn" type figure, and Roy Cohn, dead bastard who lives in hell that he is, was way smarter than you.

Also, he's only going to pardon you if it personally benefits him.

And if he pardons you, you will lose your rights to plead the Fifth and it'll be much easier for the mean FBI to make you spill your guts about MIS-TURRRR TWUMP anyway.

Oh well, Michael Cohen gonna do what Michael Cohen gonna do, because he's a very stupid and pathetic man.

Anything to add, Michael Avenatti?


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[ABC News / Wall Street Journal]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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HOLY ACHTUNG TWITTER IS FREAKING OUT! Special Counsel Robert Mueller's office (SCO) has issued a statement, almost 24 full hours after Buzzfeed's story on Donald Trump ordering Michael Cohen to lie to Congress about the failed Trump Tower Moscow deal started blowing everybody's minds. Mueller's spokesman says actually BuzzFeed got it a bit wrong. This is significant because 1) Mueller's office NEVER talks, and B) well, they're not actually saying BuzzFeed got it WRONG wrong. Just, you know, kinda wrong.

Wow, that statement is lawyered as fuck. BuzzFeed described "specific statements" wrong, and its "characterization of documents and testimony" was just an eensy bit off, and maybe if BuzzFeed moved this sofa over here it would take advantage of more natural light in the room, and honestly, BuzzFeed should trim up this one paragraph of its article, because those sentences DO NOT SPARK MARIE KONDO'S JOY.

Otherwise, it's great!

First of all, we want everybody to relax. Donald Trump is still a criminal.

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It's been a joy watching the reactions come in from TrumpWorld about the news that Donald Trump has committed YET ANOTHER CRIME, in this case suborning perjury by instructing his former lawyer thug fixer Michael Cohen to lie to Congress. How many other people did he do that with? WE DUNNO! But that's not what this post is about.

First of all, let's see what the big guy himself did. As with all presidential statements from the un-president, it happened on Twitter:

Oh wait, that's (grapes) not it. Here it is:

That's right, the president of the United States reacted to a bombshell news report exposing that he had tampered with a witness by suborning perjury by ... tampering with that witness some more in public, by threatening his father-in-law! (To be fair, Trump has been trying to intimidate the witness by encouraging the feds to investigate Cohen's father-in-law for a hot minute now. It's one of his things, like tweeting and pooping at the same time and comparing WALL to WHEEL.)

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