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George Snuffleupagus, the ABC News TV host with the hair, is breaking a hot scoop, which is weird because isn't his job just to sit there and look pretty and also didn't he just get back from Singapore? Oh, our silly questions! The point is that according to Snuffleupagus's sources, idiot Michael Cohen, the worst lawyer in America, the fixer who calls his boss "MIS-TURRRRR TWUMP," ain't got no lawyers anymore! That's right, they have all chosen to call in sick for the rest of Michael Cohen's case, and after that they are washing their cat, because who in their right mind would want to represent that idiot, who is probably going to jail for the rest of his natural life?


As attorneys for Michael Cohen rush to meet Judge Kimba Wood's Friday deadline to complete a privilege review of over 3.7 million documents seized in the April 9 raids of Cohen's New York properties and law office, a source representing this matter has disclosed to ABC News that the law firm handling the case for Cohen is not expected to represent him going forward.

Hahahahahahaha, couldn't have happened to a dumber guy who went to a worse law school. If you are wondering if this means that a very wonderful thing is probably going to happen very soon, you may be wondering correctly!

Cohen, now with no legal representation, is likely to cooperate with federal prosecutors in New York, sources said. This development, which is believed to be imminent, will likely hit the White House, family members, staffers and counsels hard.

OK, so that is what George Snuffleupagus's source says.

We hate to piss on your Frosted Flakes right now, but the Wall Street Journal says hey, not so fast, Snuffleupagus, because they have a wildly different interpretation of the same information. According to WSJ, Cohen's lawyers, Stephen Ryan, Todd Harrison "and others" from McDermott, Will & Emery LLP will officially quit after they are done going through the 3.7 million documents the FBI seized from Cohen to make sure they're not full of attorney-client privilege. Based on the batch that's been released so far, and the scientific fact that MICHAEL COHEN ISN'T A REAL LAWYER, that should take approximately 12 more minutes.

WSJ also doesn't say Cohen is probably about to flip, but that he's actively searching for new lawyers dumb enough to sully their professional reputations by taking him on as a client:

Mr. Cohen doesn't yet have a replacement law firm but is searching for a federal criminal lawyer in New York, people familiar with the matter said. Mr. Cohen wants to hire a lawyer with close ties to the Manhattan U.S. attorney's office, the people said.

Mr. Cohen hasn't yet decided whether he will cooperate with prosecutors in the case, according to one of those people.

God, Michael Cohen, you stinky idiot. Just fucking flip on your old boss MIS-TURRR TWUMP. He doesn't actually love you, because what he wants right now is a "Roy Cohn" type figure, and Roy Cohn, dead bastard who lives in hell that he is, was way smarter than you.

Also, he's only going to pardon you if it personally benefits him.

And if he pardons you, you will lose your rights to plead the Fifth and it'll be much easier for the mean FBI to make you spill your guts about MIS-TURRRR TWUMP anyway.

Oh well, Michael Cohen gonna do what Michael Cohen gonna do, because he's a very stupid and pathetic man.

Anything to add, Michael Avenatti?



YA BURNT!

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[ABC News / Wall Street Journal]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Hooray, it's time for yet another dispatch from Fox News's big fun week of failure. (No, we mean even more failure than usual.) While all of Twitter is being annoying and talking incessantly about nothing but Bran and Daenerys and Carl and Peg or whoever they are, we have been (ignoring it and) focusing on all Fox's sadness, starting with Pete Buttigieg's town hall, where he called Fox News a piece of shit to its face. Then we laughed and laughed at Fox News idiot Pete Hegseth, who is sending lots of begging to today's college graduates, that they might immediately get dropped on their heads and forget all their education, so they might grow up to be the Fox News viewers of the future.

Oh, and we haven't even had a chance to LOL at the epic hilarity of Steve Doocy trying to do man-on-the-street interviews in Midtown Manhattan, shoving the mic into the faces of New Yorkers who literally don't care if he goes and plays in traffic. That was fun!

But the point of this post is that we have finally learned what makes at least some Fox News viewers tick, and it is that Tucker Carlson "laughs like a girl." That is not us saying that, that is a Fox News fan lady telling the Washington Post's Erik Wemple why she loves Tucker Carlson so much.

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Old White Guys Try To Explain Abortion

Throwing the baby out with the bathwater. It's your Sunday show rundown!

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Michael is out, so I'm taking over your Sunday Show Rundown. This week everyone was talking about those awful abortion laws worming their way through state legislatures. As usual, most of the men were tripping on their dicks while trying to talk about vag. Luckily, there's enough women around to ladysplain things.

Bernie Sanders went on Meet the Press for the first time in FOREVER and played his greatest hits for all the kids. Sanders criticized Joe Biden's environmental policy (which is literally just "beat Trump"), stating that it wasn't "good enough." Sanders is right! (NO FIGHTING.)

SANDERS: Beating Trump is not good enough. You have to beat the fossil fuel industry, you have to take on all the forces of the status quo who do not want to move this country to energy efficiency and sustainable energy.

But then Chuck Todd asked Bernie a loaded question about women getting "sex-selective" abortions and the whole interview went off the rails. Bernie struggled to answer the dumbass question and came across looking stupid despite having spent the better part of the last week in Alabama railing against abortion bans.

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