Can We Please Get A Damn Michael Cohen Perp Walk Up In Here?

We have been hearing ever since late last week that Michael Cohen is probably about to be arrestedand probablygoing to be indicted on one million charges and probably maybe might be about to try to flip and make a deal so that he doesn't end up in prison for the rest of his natural life. In fact, we have been hanging our hopes on it, because everything else sucks. Sure, we are still filled with joy over how Paul Manafort is on day four of JAIL, MOTHERFUCKER, JAIL, but then we remembered what is happening on the border and what we are saying right now is we need something happy.

So can we have a Michael Cohen perp walk this week? PUH-LEEZE?

While we are waiting for that breaking news alert to hit our Obamaphone, here are a couple of Cohen news items that hit over the weekend, aside from how Cohen is reportedly telling family 'n' friends that he is totally willing to cooperate with the feds, to save his ass:

If Michael Cohen Was On The 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' Show, He Would Play 'Shredder'

OK actually that is just a play on words, because Shredder on "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" is not insanely stupid, whereas Michael Cohen is. But Business Insider reports on a court filing Friday, which gives an update on exactly which of the documents seized in the FBI raids on Cohen the appointed special master has determined fall under attorney-client privilege (basically none of them, because he's not a real lawyer). It reveals that on top of how Cohen managed to leave a paper trail even when he was using encrypted apps, the feds have also reconstructed 16 pages of shit Michael Cohen felt the need to shred, probably because they were full of crime confessions.

Just gonna hit you with a funny quote from a lawyer Business Insider talked to and move on:

"The statement by the USAO that the FBI has recovered 16 pages of shredded documents and 731 encrypted messages may be ominous for Michael Cohen," Mitchell Epner, an attorney at Rottenberg Lipman Rich who was previously an assistant US attorney for the District of New Jersey, told Business Insider. [...] "

Given the lack of rigor with which Mr. Cohen apparently conducted himself, I shudder to think what was so sensitive that even Michael Cohen thought, 'I better shred this,'" Epner said.

That's law talk for "LOL Michael Cohen is too dumb to even commit crimes correctly."

Speaking Of Michael Cohen Being A Bad Lawyer, OH HEY, MICHAEL AVENATTI!

OK, here is some more amusing shit. Michael Cohen is apparently very triggered and in need of a safe space from gorgeous sex object TV lawyer Michael Avenatti, who goes on TV pretty much most of his waking hours and calls Michael Cohen a moron out loud. So his lawyers ginned up an ex parte Hail Mary, begging the judge to please make Michael Avenatti SHUT UP SO MUCH. Popehat explains that it actually wasn't the world's worst filing, but lawsplains why judges really hate ex parte filings, which in non-legalese terms are filings that happen outside the normal schedule of the court and essentially demand that judges look at tthem right now, because ACHTUNG! IT IS AN EMERGENCY!

Not very surprisingly, the judge told Cohen to fuck off and Michael Avenatti went on the Lawrence O'Donnell TV show Friday night like he always does and called Michael Cohen a moron a whole lot more, like he does.

Now, can we please have that Michael Cohen perp walk? It will make us happy like this bear:

Don't you want us to be happy like that bear?


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[Business Insider]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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