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President's personal lawyer Michael Cohen, put on your kicky blazer and gather up your mob pals, because today is another day to smoke cigars in the face of YOU GOING TO JAIL.


Two tiny stories, and we're sure there's nothing to see here, nothing at all, just:

1) His business partner, New York City's "Taxi King," is CONSPIRING to SPY on him for DEEP STATE, if we are guessing how Donald Trump will characterize it, or IS AGREEING to COOPERATE with LAW ENFORCEMENT, if we are saying what is actual fact. Don't confuse Taxi King Evgeny Freidman with the Shtayners, Cohen's other taxi business partners, whom Cohen and his father-in-law loaned between $20 and $46 million in the past few years. (Cohen's father-in-law, Fima Shusterman, loaned the Shtayners between $20 and $40 million just in the past eight months, while Cohen himself loaned the Shtayners $6 million since 2012. Those are different taxi partners, and there's nothing at all weird about Cohen loaning $6 million to the Shustermans while taking out HELOCs for $130k. SHUT UP THERE IS NOT.)

If anybody knows where the taxi medallion bodies are buried, it is surely New York's taxi king, whom prosecutors gave a PRETTY SWEET DEAL -- five years of probation when he was facing 100 years of hard time for felony tax fraud. To which Michael Cohen says, WHO?

"I am one of thousands of medallion owners who entrust management companies to operate my medallions according to the rules of the NYC Taxi and Limousine Commission," Cohen tweeted. "Gene Freidman and I are not partners and have never been partners in this business or any other," he continued, adding the hashtag "#MediaWrongAgain."

Felon dude managed his taxis along with other people's taxis, therefore ... PROFIT???? Also, the Cohen aficionado will remember the time he denied partnering in a mobbed-up casino boat company that ripped off lots of people thusly:

In an interview [...], Michael Cohen at first said that he did not have a stake in the casino business, only the yacht, and bore no responsibility for lost wages and unpaid debts. But BuzzFeed News then sent him documents with his signature showing he owned 30% of the company.

“I disagree and, if I did, I never knew it,” he said.

HE RESTS HIS CASE.

2) Michael Cohen may have taken a tiny bit of money, barely even a third of an abortion payoff, $400,000 to $600,000 only and is that even real money, from the government of Ukraine before setting up a meeting with the Ukrainian president and the US president, as if we even have one of those. In what universe is THAT bad? Also, Ukraine then dropped its investigation into Paul Manafort, what's the big deal.

Donald Trump's personal lawyer, Michael Cohen, received a secret payment of at least $400,000 (£300,000) to fix talks between the Ukrainian president and President Trump, according to sources in Kiev close to those involved.

The payment was arranged by intermediaries acting for Ukraine's leader, Petro Poroshenko, the sources said, though Cohen was not registered as a representative of Ukraine as required by US law.

The meeting at the White House was last June.

Shortly after the Ukrainian president returned home, his country's anti-corruption agency stopped its investigation into Trump's former campaign manager, Paul Manafort.

In the words of the immortal Don Henley until he too gets #metoo'd,

Somebody's going to emergency, somebody's going to jail.

This has been your Michael Cohen Prison Oddsmaker for May 23, 2018. Place your bets. (There are no bets. Michael Cohen is going to prison, and we won't pay out.)

Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.

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Image: Marriott Hotels

Great GOP wordsmith Frank Luntz, the guy who gave us the "death tax" and who urged the George W. Bush administration to talk about "climate change" since it was less politically motivating than "global warming," did some more of his characteristic word magic today! While staying at the Hotel Imperial in Vienna, Austria, Luntz offered this cautionary tale about the evils of socialism, as illustrated by the shoddy conditions in a 5-star luxury hotel owned by Dubai's "Al Habtoor" conglomerate and operated by Marriott:

Talk about your grim hellholes! Apparently, there's only one elevator in the entire building, and it's been broken for three days, proving that European-style socialism is a failure that should never be imported to the USA, where -- damn it! -- all buildings work!

As some smartass pointed out, now Luntz may have to take the STAIRS, like a common Bolshevik!

We're still trying to get our heads around how a delay in getting an elevator fixed in a luxury hotel owned by the United Arab Emirati proprietors of Dubai's

  • Habtoor Grand Resort
  • Waldorf Astoria Dubai Palm Jumeirah
  • Habtoor Palace, LXR Hotels & Resorts
  • V Hotel, Curio Collection by Hilton
  • Hilton Dubai Al Habtoor City
  • Metropolitan Hotel Dubai
  • Al Habtoor Polo Resort

as well as

  • Imperial Hotel, a Luxury Collection Hotel, Vienna (Austria)
  • Hilton London Wembley (United Kingdom)
  • Hilton Beirut Habtoor Grand (Lebanon)
  • Hilton Beirut Metropolitan Palace (Lebanon)
  • President Abraham Lincoln Springfield – a DoubleTree by Hilton Hotel (United States)
  • InterContinental Budapest (Hungary)
  • The Ritz-Carlton, Budapest (Hungary)

is an example of the horrors of socialism, but then, we don't earn the big bucks like Luntz does. Austria is among the 14 richest countries in the world, so we're fairly certain it's not a commie hellhole. Then again, there is a very strong social safety net, so maybe people in subsidized housing stole all the elevator parts. Or perhaps the elevator would have been fixed sooner if only Austria didn't have such strong unions. It's a mystery.

Or maybe it's that NATIONAL socialism that's the problem, seeing as it has socialism RIGHT IN THE NAME!

Adolf Hitler, once a day labourer outside the Hotel Imperial Vienna, returned as the Führer and "delivered a speech to a rapturous crowd from [the hotel] suite's balcony, on 14 March 1938", according to www.famoushotels.org.

We suppose it's worth noting that the Imperial is decidedly not owned or operated by the Austrian government, where a far-Right coalition has recently imploded -- although maybe Luntz is confused about that, since official state guests are traditionally housed there. In any case, the elevator's busted, it's in Europe, Europe is socialist, and Frank Luntz is homesick for America, where no elevator ever goes unrepaired for an entire weekend. It simply has never happened because of our efficient free market!

Still, Luntz's tweet inspired some valuable reflections on how economic theory shapes the reality of everyday life. This is the kind of Austrian economics we can support.



In conclusion, capitalism always allocates resources efficiently and fairly, although that still doesn't explain why Frank Luntz has a job. And now it would be your DOKTOR ZOOM'S BIRTHDAY PARTY OPEN THREAD, if only the socialists would fix the elevator, the end.

Yr Wonkette is entirely supported by donations from you, the reader. Please send us money so socialists won't make us take the stairs.

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