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Michele Bachmann Decides Political Ads Require Too Much Intelligence, Finds Innovative Way To Dumb Them Down

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Why is our modern political discourse conducted at such ahigh grade-level? Americans cannot follow it! They did not pay attention in school; they strung themselves along doing next to nothing until they could land themselves a lifetime job of menial labor, which is what you're supposed to do. YOU ARE ENTITLED TO STUPIDITY IN AMERICA JUST AS YOU ARE ENTITLED TO APPLE PIE AND VAGINAL INTERCOURSE. Knowing this, and knowing people's hatred of ideas that could complicate or change their political beliefs, Michele Bachmann has optimistically decided to make it easy for us. Here is Jim the Election Guy! He will be with you through this entire campaign to hold your hand! First up: Bachmann's opponent


Was that trite and dumbed-down enough for you? No? No, of course it wasn't. Watch it 10 more times. Sound out the words on the screen. "T-T-T-AX." Very good! "SP-SP-SPE-END." Nice work. You get to pick out a sticker!

If voters can understand this, soon they will be able to move onto more complex programming, such as Sesame Street.

Thanks Jim. We have to go try not to drown in our own drool or die of starvation, because both of those things require our full effort. [YouTube]

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No pressure in November, but looks like the Supreme Court is going to do FUCK ALL about gerrymandering this term. In a unanimous decision authored by Chief Justice Roberts, the Court remanded the landmark Gill v. Whitford redistricting case on standing -- in other words, they won't be ruling on it because the plaintiffs challenging the gerrymander hadn't adequately proved that they personally had the right to challenge Wisconsin's preposterous districts.

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We have been hearing ever since late last week that Michael Cohen is probably about to be arrested and probably going to be indicted on one million charges and probably maybe might be about to try to flip and make a deal so that he doesn't end up in prison for the rest of his natural life. In fact, we have been hanging our hopes on it, because everything else sucks. Sure, we are still filled with joy over how Paul Manafort is on day four of JAIL, MOTHERFUCKER, JAIL, but then we remembered what is happening on the border and what we are saying right now is we need something happy.

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